If I were to be honest, it is for the hope that there may be anything for us in the future, even if friendship. It is in the hope that he would start on that path, maybe not even now, but in the future. That there are underlying threads to all that has gone on.

I also don't want to be yelled at anymore; I don't want to hear the justifications. That is the immediate need.

I think her intent is to present a synopsis of each of our roles in the sitch, how our reactions have been predictable and progressive as codependents (me, as co-alcoholic), and then give him a referral to someone he can chose to see if he ever so desires. There was a psych at the hospital that said he hoped he could show him these patterns before H committed to the radical changes in his life, unexamined. I know he could never hear me if any of that was to come from me. I think it is my way of closing the door--the last possible thing I could consider before I walk away.

While reading that book, I was struck by so many of the stories of how bad things really were that the women were in denial about. I almost wish it were that way--it would be so much easier to close the door. But as I awaken to the truth and look past the denial, it really was not a M so badly flawed that there is no sense in trying again. Now, it is in an effort to salvage it for the kids, all while knowing that the likelihood of that is minimal to none. I have to step completely out so that he cannot blame any of his life, good or bad, on me anymore. He has to face it alone. And I have to face my own issues alone, as well.

I know that this has been a major topic of my writing these last few days, but it is all while making great strides just on me. Seems that the two increase in intensity in tandum.

I am praying, now, making a new connection to a HIgher Power. It is slowly growing outside of myself, first to the therapist, then to the AlAnon group, now to a group of friends who are spiritual, to a larger spirituality. Turning it over, recognizing that it is beyond my control, and that I am powerless to do anything more directly. As I release those problems to outside my sphere of influence, I am also turning more to what I do have control over--myself. I am handling the low points myself, feeling them and journaling, contacting the IC or my sponsor. Sometimes I just sleep to break the cycle. I move. I write in my gratitude journal. I am kinder to myself. I am trying to bring more of what I enjoy into my life (have appts this week to finally get hair and nails done). I am trying to learn to really meditate, get my brain quiet, if only for a few minutes at a time.
It has been very hard to break the obsession. Even before the mess started, I thought about him all the time--we spoke several times each day. I have gone cold-turkey, and hope to stay there for as long as he stays stuck where he is. I have no interest in talking to or being with the man who is where he is. So, trying to get those thoughts onto other things. I don't even want to know how his meeting goes with the IC, to be honest. I have my own work to do.