More Growing and Healing

[COG]

newdave,

HEY COG,
When I read your history and outcome it gives me new hope. Let me ask you, Did your wife actually treat you with severe anger, bitterness, and just down rite cold during the time she was gone? Mine has been gone 14 months now and treats me much worse now than she did when she left. It makes it hard for me to believe she could come back.

A couple of things here. Consider looking at your sitch a little differently. You're thinking your W is "gone". Well I challenge you to try to look at yourself through HER eyes. Focus on what SHE see's, and let go of any judgement towards her. My hope is that you might realize that YOU are actually the one that is "gone".

Now about my sitch. After about 14 months of separation, my W wasn't really "angry" she was more ambivalent than anything. I was just an acquaintance/annoyance to her, one who paid all the bills. I felt like a dark cloud appeared every time I was near her. She wanted a D, and "her heart was at peace with it". She gave me no hope, no indication that anything would change, in fact she became more and more resolute that a D would happen.

She was reading books about how to help kids through D, how to get through a D, how to do a D. Nothing about repairing or healing a R, all about ending this M and moving through D.

My best advice is to start working on YOU. Find your passion in life, make positive changes. But don't do them for the good of the M, don't do them thinking the changes will save the M, do them because they're right. Get healthy physically and mentally. Let go the fear, anxiety, neediness, jealousy, depression, etc. Just dont' go there anymore. Stop pursuing if she doesn't want to be pursued, pursue if she complains your never around. Each and every sitch is different.

I think it helps to look at this struggle as a game. You get the chance to make moves, some work out good, others don't. If you keep making the same move, and it always works out negative, then STOP doing it. Fill your warchest with many tools to help you. Try new and different stratedgies. If the changes have positive outcomes, then do more of them.

When you feel downtrodden, and hopeless, understand that those feelings can help lead you to where you want to be. Embrace the struggle, know there are blessings beyond your wildest imagination lying ahead for you, and keep your chin up.

You'll clearly know when the game is over, but quitting is not an option.

God Bless,

COG