is he too young for MLC?

[WAS32]

So here is a little bit of my sitch.
My husband came to me awhile ago and told me he wasn't ahppy. I asked him about what and I got a little bit of everything from him. Our marriage was part of it but he said if the other stuff went away the M would be okay. Things got worse for him and he was angry all the time. It got to the point that I didn't even acknowledge the anger anymore because I really didn't know what it was about. He would go away with his buddies golfing for a few days or to a hockey game over night and i would think he just needed a break. And no there is no Affair that I know of. he always called me everyday thathe was gone. And we usually talked for awhile.

Finally after returning from a 5 day golf trip he decided he really wasn't happy. Told me it was the business and our partner. Then told partner it was the M. Took a few things and moved out. He came back a couple of days later to tell me our M was over. There was no passion or spark anymore and there was no hope for us.

Three days later he calls to tell me that he misses me and wants to see me. i told him that I felt that nothing so horrible had happened in our M that we couldn't work it out. He said that made him feel good. So back and forth we went with the trying. We did find a lot of our passion back. We really needed to be alone for a dew days and there it was again. Sometimes things were tense because it was hard for me to see him leave all the time, but I was trying to be strong.

The last 4 weeks have been the worst. I could feel he was starting to remove himself from me again but we had a vacation planned together. The morning we left for Cuba we had a huge fight. But he came and apologized because he was just being mean. So off we went. It was the best week ever. He made the whole trip about us. Everything was romantic and sweet. There were 8 of us there and we were the only ones spending time alone. He held my hand we made love alot and we went for walks on the beach, It was beautiful.

Then 4 hours after he drops me off at home I get an email that says he is unsure about our M and he needs to get better. (he is on anti-depressants for 4 weeks now) The says he wants our M on hold indefinately. So i completely break down...not in front of him...but I do send him an email saying that I need some space please don't call me just communicate through email. So at first he is okay with that. Now he sends me texted saying how much he misses his best friend and he hates not talking to me. i have talked to him by email and text lately. He wants more than just light talk and gets upset if i don't talk about my feelings. I don't get this. Could he be having a MLC early?

There is lots more to this story but i figure this is long enough for today. Anyone with any ideas?

[fish]

Wow... this is a tough one. My understanding is that it takes anti-ds a few weeks to kick in. YOur situation is not horrible as the week in Cuba was solid.

He is confused.

As hard as this is going to be you should go dark for awhile. You may want to suggest no contact for 2 weeks. Tell him that you want to give him time to sort through his feelings.

Also.... It is much easier to dispense advice on this board than take it. We are pros at other situations.

[WAS32]

Some people say go dark and I have had other people say talk to him he is reaching out. But make sure you don't overwhelm him with R talk. Well guess what? I am so overwhelmed right now. I don't know which way is up. He is worried about me and still cares but hasn't said ILU for awhile. He hasn't said he doesn't either. I've been trying to cut him off for a few days but he knows how to suck me in.

Cutting him off from talking ect is worse than quitting smoking. Maybe I could do better if I was smoking again.:) probably not, but one bad habit would be nice again.

[C_K]

Hi

He could very well be having a mid life crisis at his age. I am not a big fan of going dark other than as a last resort technique.
There is lots of stuff in Divorce remedy that you can try , what works / what dosn't , keep a diary.
Give him space if he wants it but if he wants to talk then let him and listen , listen carefully and validate.

The biggest thing is to concentrate on what you can do , and what you need to do for yourself.

Do not start any relationship talks.

Dave

[WAS32]

That's Dave for your advise. I have the Divorce Remedy coming. Should be here this week. Right now we have been talking most of the day on and off. He said to me " I know this is hard for you, at times I'm second guessing myself all the time about us". he wants to drive an hour in a snow storm so he can clear the driveway for me. He knows i am perfectly capable of doing it.(not so great on the tractor though) I didn't know what to tell him. He's been trying to see me all day or come to the house tomorrow. I have been pushing him away because I am so scared to see him. I know where we will end up and then he will leave again. And I have finally stopped crying.

I am trying to be so strong but this is not easy. i haven't heard from him for a little bit now. i don't know if that means he is on his way here or he is busy. Either way i feel like I am holding my breath. How can he be so screwed up? I don't know what to say to him. I miss him so much.

[WAS32]

Okay I really screwed up tonight. I find out that my H is out at a concert that I wanted to go to with a friend of ours. A female friend....

What the he** did they expect me to think? Of course I gave them both sh*t for this. And as soon as the concert was over they were both texting me that they are just friends and nothing is going on. HMMMMMM.... Do I believe them? I don't know. Why wouldn't they tell me to begin with then? At least my friend. Maybe the H doesn't owe me anything right now, but what about my friend? But I got the text of all texts tonight from her. She says to me...I don't want your husband it's you that I want!

Whoa...do I have no clue where to go with that!

So now what ? Do I apologize for being insicure and hope they forgive me or do I still assume the worst? I know that they spend time together because they live in he same town. But they usually tell me what they are doing ect...

I'm very confused right now.

P.S. previous post, I ment to say THANKS to Dave. Not That's

[Dom R]

I'd say, that a man and a woman going to a concert, or dinner out, alone together, is a date.

So, as far as your friend goes, you might mention if that is your opinion to her... get her feedback on that... and then take it from there.

how I would handle it if it were me:

Ideally, she would agree. But even if she doesnt... as long as she agrees to respect YOUR view in that manner, and agree that she is done "dating" your husband, I would be willing to forgive her.

[WAS32]

So I get an email from H today and he is really down on himself for last night. He said he didn't tell me about the concert because he knew I would be upset that he was going. Not who he was going with. He swears they are just friends and there is no one else but me. He says he has failed me as a husband, lover, father and now as a friend. And yesterday he was reaching out to me and he failed at that too. He hoped I could reply to him.

So i did. And now he is hopeful that we can get our marriage back on track. But the problem with that is where I am living at the moment. I libe in the family home but it is also on the same farm as our business partner. A lot of the problems started with the farm and business. So he does't want to be here but knows that I can't just live on the streets with our kids. I know you will think just move.

It's not that simple. He has been up and down and back and forth for 3 months now. I am scared to uproot my family just to have him change his mind again. And if I stay here how the heck do we work on things? it's a catch 22.

Do i believe him or just validate that he is feeling that way today and leave it alone?

[Dom R]

Maybe you should ask him what his plans are, to "get our marriage on track".

If he doesnt have any.... ask him to tell you when he's gotten a plan together.
and leave it at that?

Not having a plan, didnt seem to work back in 03/09/07 for you.
Sounds like this time, having a plan up front, might be in order.

[C_K]

I am with Dom on this , try not to push him along let him come to you with a solution, he needs to prove himself a little

Dave