I think you did well about the phone, just staring at him, handing him the trash (love the irony...trash) and moving on. He knew you weren't sneaking up on him, you were there for a reason. So he can't blame you for 'snooping'. He is so selfish (remember, not dogging your H, I just have a very similar H at home) and just blatantly disrespecting you. I am so sorry, its a horrible feeling.
I know it might be hard...it still is for me...but I would cut off sex. Rob pointed out the obvious, who knows what is going on with him, if he is being safe. We don't even know he is having sex, but the unknown is scary. Also, emotionally, are you really at a point that the sex is sex, and not a chance to 'win him back' or feel closer to him? I lied to myself that sex was ok with H, because I wasn't emotionally involved, but that was so untrue. At first, I would turn him down with no explanations, but I finally told him I can't be with him when he is at the very least emotionally attached to someone else.
I remember many Saturday mornings...H would be on the computer, looking at myspace pictures from the night before (people would post them), laughing at how drunk he was, thinking it was so cool. I saw 'pathetic', he saw 'cool'. Those days have ended for the most part, but it just shows where they are, and its not at home. Your H (as mine) assumes life is great, you are a home with D3, you both are safe, so he can do what he pleases, as long as you don't rock the boat or bring it up.
I wish I could just say to my H.....Okay, I'm stepping away from all of this. If/when you're ready to have a M and a family again, just let me know. Hopefully I'll still be here. This is so unfair.
H was up 1/2 the night again. I heard him on the computer around 3:00. He came in to bed and actually snuggled a little, but then that just turned into him wanting sex. I think this is hurting more because the sex is turning into just sex, nothing more. There's absolutely no intimacy or connection from him anymore. It's sad. I wonder how OW would feel if she knew that just after he finished sending her emails, he's in bed with his wife.
I just hate this.
Have a great day.
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
If your H is anything like mine, he is feeding OW lies about your R anyway...
Quote:
I wish I could just say to my H.....Okay, I'm stepping away from all of this. If/when you're ready to have a M and a family again, just let me know. Hopefully I'll still be here.
What do you think he would say if you said this to him, or even put it in a letter? I am not saying you are ready to say this to him, but WOW, that little bit says it all.
You might not be ready for it, but you can say all those things to your H if you need to. What fears are holding you back from creating change in some way? I was thinking last night about cheeseless tunnels, and the many that I personally continue to go down. Sitting by passively accepting your H's lifestyle seems to be a cheeseless tunnel for you. Is it? Measuring progress, you do seem to be getting stronger emotionally and growing. So, some of what you're doing is definately working for you. What isn't working?
From my sitch only - being passive doesn't work to create positive change. I end up stewing and waiting. J ends up thinking I'm at least half OK with what's going on. The challenge has become to own my feelings and needs and express them. Pursuing pushes them away.. stating that they are disapponting us is not the same as pursuing. I used to do the crying and begging for him to change. Now I'm better at stating my needs and feelings as a fact and waiting for him to step up - or not (which happens often). Much like what you said in your first sentence. "If/when you're ready to have a M and family again, let me know" My statement is often more like "I'm tired of carrying the load and need a partner in this. I can't do it all, so I'm going to step back and focus on me and the kids. If/when you want to be an active part of the partnership, let me know." If you want a M, I'll meet you more than halfway, but I can't do it all myself. KWIM?
I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. I've been there and know how hurt you must be. (((SUE))). Wish things turn around for you and soon.
Well, just a stinking weekend. H was so good the first few days of last week. Then, turned into a complete a$$.
-H has been sleeping on the couch -H has barely talked to me & when he does, it's very short & snapping at me. -H has shown very little concern for D3 and even less for me. -H has been non stop on his emails.
I mean, how much worse can it get? Really? I mean I know it can get worse. H could leave, but it's like he's not really here now anyway.
I'm angry that he's the way he is with D3. He's been either staying out or up very late, so he's worthless the next day. He told D3 that he wants to see her reading by the time she's 4, but does he spend the time with her? NO!! Yesterday (Sunday), he spent almost the entire day sleeping on the couch. He took D3 out on her sled for a short while late morning, but then slept. He snuck away between 2:30-3:00, as he always does on Sundays to call OW. His excuse was that he had to run to the gas station. Then he got up at 7:00 and left to work out. He came back after 9:00 and didn't say a word. Oh, and let's add that he made lunches.....for him & D3. Now how selfish and childish is that? He couldn't make one for me?
I feel like I need to say.....stop hiding the affair. I see you sneek away every Sunday, I see your YouTube sappy videos, I see it all without snooping.....AND, start spending more time with your D.
Well, I need to get busy. The first of the month is always busy for me.
Have a great day.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Sue..maybe it is time to confront him. Maybe what you're doing now is "more of the same". Mixing things up a little bit might be good.
If you do confront H, do it respectfully and without any anger. Think about what you are going to say and determine if this will bring you closer to your goal.
Just my .02
H4C
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
It sounds like a confrontation might be in order. I know it's hard to know what to do. But I agree again about the sex thing. Sue please think about this please. I would at least use protection. I justheard about a horrible story from my doctor. Of course she didn't mention names with patient confidentiality. But this woman was pregnant and her husband was cheating on her. She was cluless until she went for a check-up after the birth and found out she had herpe's. She will have this disease for the rest of her life. Well, also her husband did admit he was having an affair. She was clean before this and they have been married years. So she knew it had to be him. What's even worse is these little children as she had twins will have to be checked for their life now also. Because they could have contacted the disease through the birth canal. Her husband gave the mumbo jumbo he thought she was clean. She was a really nice woman etc, etc.
It just seems if he is playing the frat boy wild thing he could be doing all kind's of things. Not just with this OW. And who knows where she has been or how many affairs she has had. The doctor was telling me that STD's are on a rampage right now. Expecially herpe's. We got into this convo because I have a 17 year old and they have that new shot out for herpe's. We were talking about the pro's and cons.
But also when you GAL it seems to get noticed by your husband. So why not make some plans and go out yourself. That could be a few nights he has to be sober and stay home with D3.
I agree with TTHO. What about some GAL with or without D3? There's so much to do through the holidays. Can you make him wonder about what he's missing out on? Right now he assumes you and D3 will be right there waiting on him when he wakes up. Why not show him that life goes on whether he wants to be involved or not?
I agree with everyone here.. you need to confront him, its really time. You have given him room, probably too much and he is taking advantage of you now.
Start detaching from him, doing things for you and your D.. its time honey, and as hard as it is, it has to be better than what you are enduring now.
(((((hugs))))
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I agree with the above. Time to put the foot down, big style. It is not acceptable behaviour for him to drink to that extent with a young child.
It may be hard, but at the moment, being with him seems worse than being without, IMHO. I know it is hard, but I think it is time to stand up and be counted.
