Thanks, Dave. Yeah, I am trying to keep the sad times to myself, now. I don't want to cry in front of them anymore. When they do open up to me, though, I tell them that I am still sad sometimes, too, and that it is ok to be sad or angry or whatever they are feeling. And its ok to be happy, too.
I just love them so much--so hard to let go / give up on H when I feel like I let them down...but there is nothing else I can do on that front. So, we just try to have a good time when we are together. Putting up the decorations may be a bit hard this year...
(((HUGS))) I understand that oh so well. just no calling him, no writing him, nothing. anything but, okay? write it here, journal it, write him a letter then burn it, anything but actually telling him, okay? don't let him sh!t all over your feelings, because donna, that is what he will do.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I hear you, M (finally getting it). I am writing up something and will email it to the IC. He has said that he would see her; I am leaving it up to them. Either she can reach him about the codependency, or she can't. I can't be responsible for him anymore. But the whole thing is such a shame.... I not only have to let go, but walk away from it.
why does he need to understand? I don't understand that part I guess. he needs his own IC for his own issues, but has no place with regards to your issues any more.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
If I were to be honest, it is for the hope that there may be anything for us in the future, even if friendship. It is in the hope that he would start on that path, maybe not even now, but in the future. That there are underlying threads to all that has gone on.
I also don't want to be yelled at anymore; I don't want to hear the justifications. That is the immediate need.
I think her intent is to present a synopsis of each of our roles in the sitch, how our reactions have been predictable and progressive as codependents (me, as co-alcoholic), and then give him a referral to someone he can chose to see if he ever so desires. There was a psych at the hospital that said he hoped he could show him these patterns before H committed to the radical changes in his life, unexamined. I know he could never hear me if any of that was to come from me. I think it is my way of closing the door--the last possible thing I could consider before I walk away.
While reading that book, I was struck by so many of the stories of how bad things really were that the women were in denial about. I almost wish it were that way--it would be so much easier to close the door. But as I awaken to the truth and look past the denial, it really was not a M so badly flawed that there is no sense in trying again. Now, it is in an effort to salvage it for the kids, all while knowing that the likelihood of that is minimal to none. I have to step completely out so that he cannot blame any of his life, good or bad, on me anymore. He has to face it alone. And I have to face my own issues alone, as well.
I know that this has been a major topic of my writing these last few days, but it is all while making great strides just on me. Seems that the two increase in intensity in tandum.
I am praying, now, making a new connection to a HIgher Power. It is slowly growing outside of myself, first to the therapist, then to the AlAnon group, now to a group of friends who are spiritual, to a larger spirituality. Turning it over, recognizing that it is beyond my control, and that I am powerless to do anything more directly. As I release those problems to outside my sphere of influence, I am also turning more to what I do have control over--myself. I am handling the low points myself, feeling them and journaling, contacting the IC or my sponsor. Sometimes I just sleep to break the cycle. I move. I write in my gratitude journal. I am kinder to myself. I am trying to bring more of what I enjoy into my life (have appts this week to finally get hair and nails done). I am trying to learn to really meditate, get my brain quiet, if only for a few minutes at a time. It has been very hard to break the obsession. Even before the mess started, I thought about him all the time--we spoke several times each day. I have gone cold-turkey, and hope to stay there for as long as he stays stuck where he is. I have no interest in talking to or being with the man who is where he is. So, trying to get those thoughts onto other things. I don't even want to know how his meeting goes with the IC, to be honest. I have my own work to do.
Thanks, OT. IC told me last session that if I can turn as much energy toward myself as I did toward H, I would be able to turn that last corner very quickly.
I just finished Women Who Love Too Much. As I read the end, it spoke about how to be in recovery, you have to have no fear in your relationship, complete trust and just be yourself.
That is where I was. How can I ever be in a R, now, either with H or anyone else, and not be afraid?
He was the one who was pretending, and did so for a very long time. I am just really confused, and looking forward to talking to IC about it all. Was I showing my true self to him? Is my true self really not enough for him, that I was lacking? It makes me think that so much was my fault again, my flaws, that I was the reason it couldn't work...I hope that I am just twisting this all around, but I wonder if H is actually the one going through recovery and sees that we had a worse M than I ever saw, and I am the one who is too blind/stubborn to see it.
I freakin' feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. I don't know which way is up anymore.
And I can hear the child within me, begging and pleading, promising to be good if only the love is not taken away...anything but that, please.
Two steps forward, one step back...
I am supposed to agree with everything that he says about me and the marriage, while cultivating my own self-love. I think I have read too much--my brain hurts, everything hurts. I just want to stop hurting. I miss what I had so very much. I miss my intact family. I miss my husband, who has been gone so long, now.
I was going to try to get to an AlAnon meeting tonight, but S didn't get home from scouts until late. I will keep my regular meeting tomorrow, though.
"How can I ever be in a R, now, either with H or anyone else, and not be afraid?"
Because you will be OK by yourself and not dependent on another for your happiness.
As for H, yes, he is probably making progress in his own way. But this doesn't mean you aren't making progress in your own way too.
Try to quit looking for who is right and who is wrong. Try to quit trying to figure out who wins. Both of you have done things well and done things poorly. Both of you can have great lives in the future separate from each other.
