but eventually the detachment and the "do I really want them back" will start kicking in.
It's not that I don't want her, but I must detach. It was tremendously helpful to look at posts regarding it. Today, I will open another checking/savings account at a more local bank. It will not be where we have accounts or even same town. Something completely different. More and more just separate. Hard to express, I just don't want to be reminded of her. It's just her. It has nothing to do with pain, hurt, or anything else. Weird feeling to want her back knowing that you have to let go. To honestly believe this is the only choice. And to know that I'll be ok either way.
Here's a funny from the restraunt meeting to discuss legal stuff that I like to refer to as my "dinner date". Very late in conversation I said something like when need to consider things much later than now, like 5D school after 7th grade, dating, car. She looked perplexed. I said well suppose you think she can date when she is 16, I think she can when she is 12. Shared a big laugh. At the end, I said we need to include days like birthdays and such. I said you might want to put something in there regarding St.Patrick's Day because that is important to your Dad. She said you mean to tell me that we are going to put St. Patrick's Day in our divorce papers. I said it was a joke after we were almost rolling about it.
I am glad I am trying to detach from the sitch. She really confuses me. At times, she seems to hate my guts. Others, very friendly. Sometimes, she gets close to tears. I guess just illustrative of her and the WAW mind. Let her do the chasing if she changes her mind. And for someone that will not let me touch her...Why did she run her hand through my hair?
Thread seems like my journal...everyone should keep journal for their sitch. It really helps.
No contact Friday. But got word she was really down. She had planned for her and 5D to visit friend with new baby out of town. Apparently that changed, cause she just spent a couple hours with her mother, grandmother, and margarita's. I like to think it has to do with our restraunt meeting. So, I think of it as a big positive.
Asked several women friends about her running her hand through my hair. They all say that it is something. Don't know what but something. Even say that if it was like 'this' it would be nothing, but the way she did...
Thanks Wooglint...Yeah, I have the paper and online version of my journal. You are definitely right it is the comments that really help.
I am getting on track...I don't know why but every time I am about to be around WAW I get in the right frame of mind. No matter how I feel hour before. Speaking of which...I better get ready to get 5D...get my head on right. Her being down yesterday over what has to be our meeting Thursday has raised my spirits. I really think she is starting to look beyond today. I know I can live without her. I also know I do not want to. If I were to make a list of positive/negatives to consider her again, the positive side has a lot to offer. So, I am not quitting. I just know I have to detach for myself and 5D. I also know this gives me my only chance. Almost backwards logic.
I do not know why but I am really confident that she will reconsider. Too many small signs that show it. Like running her hand through my hair 3-4 times. She absolutely did not have to do that. And for someone who has not touched me or let me touch them since we separated, this has got to something.
Picked up 5D from local event Saturday. Wife was working a booth. She did not see me arrive. She noticed me as I recrossed her path playing with 5D. She asked if I was leaving a told me all the things she had brought for 5D for the next 4 days I will be having her. 5D played on those inflatable jumpies or slides for awhile. I took the opportunity to talk to as many people as I could, a definite 180. When she was done working her booth and ready to leave, I was talking to a ex-colleague, female, of mine. I feel like she went out of her way to interrupted this conversation. I introduced them, then said excuse me. Wife restated what she had brought 5D, mostly clothes. I was able to ask wife how SHE got stains out of 5D clothes. She told me what she used and I ask what SHE did not the instructions. She talked about her morning at the parade and a friend and her kids ransacking the house. Then she left. No us. But pleasant and I had the proper demeanor.
I learned some things about myself that has made Sunday a bit difficult. 1) As hard as I try, I still stay some really stupid things that often are not even what I am thinking. Like Saturday, wife said she would pick up 5D at school. I made some statement like, "if you are going to". In reference to our restraunt meeting. It is not even what I meant. It is definitely what I said. I wanted to say that is the day 5D plays with a friend of hers at McDonald's and should have given that option to wife. 2) I realize I have done a lot of things in life because my parents did it that way. simple example, I took 5D to circus today. I realized after buying balloons and cotton candy for 5D that I never got those things when I went anywhere with parents. In fact, today was the first day I have had cotton candy. I am 35. Simply ridiculous to see the light after the wife says she is done. 3) Sundays are especially hard because I go to church and really reflect on mistakes I made in our marriage and desires to reconcile. I know all I can do is hope, pray, and leave her alone. 4) Everyone should read or listen to Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, several times. I learned that not only do I communicate like crap, but I have been in a cave for years due to job and activity done in my cave.
As I work through life, I am confident she will be there again one day. Despite it all...I know she will. If not, I will be ok, because I am learning about myself.
It's amazing to notice the dumb things I do and how some of the things that I thought she appreciated where really things that she didn't like or that bothered her. I never noticed before and I can't believe it.
I just thought of something as I watch the snow fall and fall and....It appears to me that whenever my WAW does something like run her hands in my hair or kisses, I am happy but I tend to get angry afterwards. Not overly angry, maybe resentful is a better word. "Why is she making me go through this?" This then leeds her to notice that I am not exactly in the best of moods. And so the wheel turns. Like I said in other threads I also think she is confused and not ready to pull the trigger. However, I screwed up big time this Sunday and i need to start all over again, again.
Two things WAW and I talked about during our meeting Thursday were 1) I was going to pick-up 5D from school when she could not. 2) We needed advice on how often wife should be calling 5D when 5D is with me. I do not call trying to give wife space and time. She calls everynight. I told her I just do not know what is best for 5D.
After the last few days, I realized she is going to pick-up 5D when it is her time with 5D. She also has not called in last two days. Which tells me that she might be "trying out" some of the things we talked about. Not sure if that is good or bad.
At least she has not called about papers. Maybe she is seeing if she can live with it.
Had a dream last night where wife and I reconciled, we talked about everything blah blah...And thus I over-slept by 35 minutes and almost late for work.
John210, I don't get angry, resentful, etc at her. I honestly cannot harbor those thoughts. As hard as I try, I just cannot feel anything but love for her. So, when she ran hand through my hair I wished it would never stop, but did nothing but enjoy the moment. I know she is in complete control of the entire sitch with regards to she and I. Only thing I can do is control myself and learn to communicate, validate, understand, and be the man she wants. If not it'll be the one I want.
