HEY COG, When I read your history and outcome it gives me new hope. Let me ask you, Did your wife actually treat you with severe anger, bitterness, and just down rite cold during the time she was gone? Mine has been gone 14 months now and treats me much worse now than she did when she left. It makes it hard for me to believe she could come back.
Being vulnerable is part of being a strong man. Sometimes you have to allow yourself open to do what needs to be done. When allowing yourself to be open results in "getting burned" true strength lays in allowing yourself to be open or vulnerable next time a situation calls for it. There is a difference between leaving yourself vulnerable and allowing yourself vulnerable. Allowing yourself is a choice you make, leaving yourself is either being too weak to take control or being careless. True vulneralbility is the exact opposite of being weak.... It is the absence of fear.
Last edited by blyndfaith; 12/03/0707:08 AM.
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
HEY COG, When I read your history and outcome it gives me new hope. Let me ask you, Did your wife actually treat you with severe anger, bitterness, and just down rite cold during the time she was gone? Mine has been gone 14 months now and treats me much worse now than she did when she left. It makes it hard for me to believe she could come back.
A couple of things here. Consider looking at your sitch a little differently. You're thinking your W is "gone". Well I challenge you to try to look at yourself through HER eyes. Focus on what SHE see's, and let go of any judgement towards her. My hope is that you might realize that YOU are actually the one that is "gone".
Now about my sitch. After about 14 months of separation, my W wasn't really "angry" she was more ambivalent than anything. I was just an acquaintance/annoyance to her, one who paid all the bills. I felt like a dark cloud appeared every time I was near her. She wanted a D, and "her heart was at peace with it". She gave me no hope, no indication that anything would change, in fact she became more and more resolute that a D would happen.
She was reading books about how to help kids through D, how to get through a D, how to do a D. Nothing about repairing or healing a R, all about ending this M and moving through D.
My best advice is to start working on YOU. Find your passion in life, make positive changes. But don't do them for the good of the M, don't do them thinking the changes will save the M, do them because they're right. Get healthy physically and mentally. Let go the fear, anxiety, neediness, jealousy, depression, etc. Just dont' go there anymore. Stop pursuing if she doesn't want to be pursued, pursue if she complains your never around. Each and every sitch is different.
I think it helps to look at this struggle as a game. You get the chance to make moves, some work out good, others don't. If you keep making the same move, and it always works out negative, then STOP doing it. Fill your warchest with many tools to help you. Try new and different stratedgies. If the changes have positive outcomes, then do more of them.
When you feel downtrodden, and hopeless, understand that those feelings can help lead you to where you want to be. Embrace the struggle, know there are blessings beyond your wildest imagination lying ahead for you, and keep your chin up.
You'll clearly know when the game is over, but quitting is not an option.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Who would have thought that on a message board in cyberspace, I would meet two men that I would one day say are two of the finest men I have ever known...
Frank_D and COG, today is that day. Knowing the two of you has been priceless to my life personally and to my stand.
Who would have thought that on a message board in cyberspace, I would meet two men that I would one day say are two of the finest men I have ever known...
Frank_D and COG, today is that day. Knowing the two of you has been priceless to my life personally and to my stand.
Thank you, both.
For everything.
I'm only paying it back to you. You were one of the people who kept me sane and helped me be strong enough to save my wife and our family.
Thank you for the complement. Some day I will meet with you and Jeff so I can give you both a big hug.
Who would have thought that on a message board in cyberspace, I would meet two men that I would one day say are two of the finest men I have ever known...
I can't wait for that day to come. Thank you AmyC, that's a very nice compliment. I'll speak for myself in saying that I've not always been a "fine man", and I still have my days. But looking back, I realize just how blessed I have been to experience the evil hell that is a broken M. Why? Because somewhere during that six year battle, I connected with a source that has helped me find the best in life, in others, and in myself.
God Bless the struggle!
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Growing and healing is hard. Why? Because for some of us who found ourselves in this situation and on this board we were pretty messed up when we got here.
For me anyway, that was true.
I did all the 'right' things. stopped the negative behaviors, no pursuing, be the 'rock'.
I couldn't just shut off my feelings, but I could vent here and pretend I was 'ok' when I was around W or the Kids. Just focused on being 'perfect' and all the things I needed to be so that we could go through this and hopefully keep the family together.
The OM, the 'I want a divorce', all the pain. Absorb it, keep going. Be strong. That's how I lived my entire life, the abusive childhood, the bad business partners. Absorb it, be strong.
And it worked. It's been about 18 months since we rebuilt our marriage and we're still together. My W has grown immensely, she is past the need to run away, she is strong. I'm proud of her.
But, the pain inside me never got addressed. The past hurts that were there for years before this happened. The feeling of not being 'good enough' slowly creeps its way back into my life. Anxiety, tension, fear. Can't focus for more than a few hours at a time so I don't get a lot of my work done.
Back in August 2006 I posted that when we started to make our marriage work she kind of just cruised for the next several months. I didn't push her to make her business work and she didn't try. In hindsight I know what I was doing was continuing to play the role I had chosen while DB'ing. The role of the 'secret' victim.
At that time my Counselor said that during the affair I survived and was able to engineer the possibility of success because I stayed in my logical mind more than I did in my emotional mind. I saw a problem, I found the solution.
Now that I don't have to 'fight' any more my emotional self has had over a year to rear its head and demand it be comforted, satisfied, appeased. The little boy that was hurt finally wants to be comforted.
At the time, I talked to my counselor about that and the fact that I have always had a belief that, no matter what happens in my life, I will always be ok. She says it a result of my faith in myself, that I believe I can take care of myself. The problem is that my whole life I have always been alone. Yes, I have friends, and I used to always surround myself with people. But inside I am always alone.
During the previous several years of my depression, before the bomb and the db'ing, I truly believed that there was nobody in the world who would come to my aid. Not even her. And I lost faith in myself so even I couldn't help me.
When I 'engineered' the restoration of my marriage and everything was 'safe', the old feelings slowly found their way back. Mostly because I was tired. I was tired because I felt like "here I am, once again giving up what I need in order to save someone else". I 'saved' my wife, but at what cost?
The last time I saw my counselor, over a year ago, she asked me if I was tired, was I just waiting for the kids to grow up and leave so I could move on without my wife. Did I save her and them and now resent her for her 'free pass' and my still unresolved life issues?
I couldn't say 'no' and I've been stuck for a while in my own ambivalence. I'm glad we're together but I'm not happy with my life.
In many ways I think I've been 'DBing' still. Not really feeling like I can be ok with just being 'me'. I guess that's because I still sometimes have trouble believing that she won't do something again. I know logically that she's past that stage in her life so I should feel better. I know it's really the 'little boy' who still has not had his needs addressed.
But it's also "old stuff". I look at the past 10 years and I'm angry that she wasn't there for me. I'm angry that in many ways she was part of the pain in my life, instead of part of the healing.
Money and business has been tough. I couldn't function during the DBing period and we pretty much used up all our savings to get through that, to cover for the lack of income from her and from me. My various businesses are doing poorly and I'm tired all the time and I feel alone.
I know the 'aloneness' is of my own creation. I isolate a lot. Sometimes I talk on the boards but lately even that has not been fulfilling.
This really isn't the place to discuss these things, but since I promised my Counselor a long time ago that I would share my experiences so others could benefit from them, I figured I'd post this part of my story so that others can see that you can't put aside your own issues. You have to be whole. I'm not.
My W still wants our marriage to work. I think I do, but I'm not really sure any more. I just want to get out of this current life I'm in. I want the pain to go away. I was really good at fixing her, I'm not so good at fixing me.
Don't be like me, make sure you really work on your crap, otherwise you'll eventually just let people down.
Frank, I was looking for your thread for advice. I think I just got it!
Quote:
Don't be like me, make sure you really work on your crap, otherwise you'll eventually just let people down.
So instead, I am going to give you my input. (worth what you are paying for it ):
First, you are an incredible person who has helped and inspired many here to reclaim their lives and sometimes get their M back as a result.
Your life is a gift, don't be afraid of the future, live for it. It sounds to me, 3000 mi. away, that you are feeling trapped and stagnant in your life. In "Awakening at Midlife", Kathleen Brehony advises us to ask ourselves 2 questions: 1. What did you love to do when you were 10 years old? 2. What would you do if you won the lottery?
The answers tell us a whole lot about ourselves and can reveal a path to a happier, more meaningful life. Find a life that makes you want to jump out of bed each morning and live that day to it's fullest.
You are such a persistant, intelligent guy, whatever you pursue with passion will be a success. Just do it!
Good luck, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Thank you AmyC, that's a very nice compliment. I'll speak for myself in saying that I've not always been a "fine man", and I still have my days. But looking back, I realize just how blessed I have been to experience the evil hell that is a broken M. Why? Because somewhere during that six year battle, I connected with a source that has helped me find the best in life, in others, and in myself. 