Long and bumpy road

[Startingover2]

I was just reading your first thread. I am 42 and dh is 33. I have been at this a long time. We are actually legally divorced. Jak and RHW and others have been so helpful to me here. I have waffled back and forth, finding strength and then backing down. I am now 6 mos. pregnant and haven't talked to dh in 2 days. He really isn't a well put together man. He is very selfish and self centered. Its so hard, but I am trying to keep my boundaries. Right now I am having a tough time because its been a few days and I am in withdrawl mode and wondering why he isn't on my door with flowers. He probably never will be. Like you, I don't want to raise this baby alone or have to share custody, but that is no reason to be his doormat.

Hang in there...and lets post on eachothers threads.

[Startingover2]

Uggh....Saturday morning and I am alone. Kinda tough as weekends we usually spent together...him watching football and drinking and me trying to find ways to look at his phone. Nice.

No contact at all from him. I wonder what he could possibly be thinking right now? I wonder if he is sad, regretful, happy, relieved...anything? I wonder if he thinks he is doing the right thing?

Yesterday I started putting stuff in the baby's room. Dh had finished painting last weekend and everything we had stored in the living room for her I started putting in her room. A bit sad as this was something I wanted to do with dh. I even brought the big box in from the garage that contained her crib in probably 5 million pieces. I thought between me and my kids we could tackle it. Stupid thing didn't have directions so I had to call this morning and they emailed them to me. Project for this afternoon.

I spoke with MIL yesterday and she is rather supportive...I should say she is supportive about me making boundaries with his drinking, but he is a single man and I cannot stop him from seeing OW. I got pissed and told her no I cant but I can stop him from making this home a revolving door! How am I ever supposed to move on when he comes and goes when he feels like it? She felt as long as he was sober he can see the baby when she is born. So basically she felt that during the week he can come and go and then on the weekends when he drinks he cannot come around. Geez, what a perfect scenario for him...I told her that if he isn't in a program and doing well by the time she is born in March that I will do everything in my power for him to only have limited supervised visits. Oh, MIL also told me I should wait until after the first of the year to do baby's room..that dh would feel left out and sad that he wasn't a part of it and maybe I should give it a few weeks...Im tired of waiting.

Im scared...I have drawn so many lines right now with the drinking and OW that I really am nervous about sticking to them. Knowing dh, he will deep down realize that he probably cannot meet all of my conditions and retaliate with anger and accusations.

Gotta keep so busy today!

[Startingover2]

Wow what a day. I went to my son's wrestling match. Talked with that same friend of mine. Ironically she is OW's ex SIL. She asked how things were going and I said the same. Well she just called me a bit ago....she called OW and bitched her out. told her that she was being inappropriate and OW just said they were friends, blah blah blah....my friend told her that we were trying to work it out and she was getting in the way.

That is when OW said she was hearing a different version of the story from dh. I knew he had to have been feeding her lies. She said that dh told her that he was just around for the baby and helping me etc. He had no feelings for me and that we werent trying to reconcile.

My friend told her that either way, it wasn't a place for her to be. OW felt it was ok.

DH sent a few text messages asking how baby is. I finally got sick of it and said that he lost that privledge when he chose to lie to me. I owe him nothing until after she is born.He mad OW a priority over me. He then got angry and said that I can't push him out of babys life and he will be there for her birth.

I have to run...I have more to tell, but will do it when I get back.

[Startingover2]

It doesn't ever end.

I just got home a few hours ago from the hospital....alone. I was having some questionable symptoms (I won't go into them as they may be TMI) but just to be on the safe side I called dr. and he asked me to come in just to be checked. This was at about 10 PM last night. I was a bit afraid and really found that I wanted dh. I know stupid. I called and he didn't answer. I thought maybe he was asleep and I drove to his house on my way to hospital. He wasn't home. Must be with OW or some other slut. I went to the hospital alone.

They ran some test and did some checking. During this time I had a meltdown. I felt alone and scared and having a baby. Where the hell is dh? Isn't he supposed to be there? I called a girlfriend at about 2:30 a.m. and asked if she could go to my house and stay with my teenagers as they were sleeping, but I didn't want to leave them alone that long. They didn't even know I left. She did and on her way she went by dh's.....still not home. Nice.

I got home about 5 a.m. this morning. Hopefully nothing serious and I need to get rid of this anxiety. Not sure if the symptoms I had and the stress are related, but I feel like I am on the edge.

Dh just sent a text: What is going on? I saw that you called last night.

OMG, he is a worthless POS!

[Startingover2]

I am so tired from being up all night. I have tried to sleep but the anxiety is killing me.

Two of my friends came over a bit ago. It felt like an intervention. They told me that I needed to get away from dh for good. He is slowly killing me and when is enough enough? An interesting statement they made: DH is the same person he was 2, 5, 10 years ago. He is the same person that walked out on you and your family 18 months ago, the same man that couldn't commit and walked in and out of your life. Just because he impregnated you doesn't mean it changes who he is.

They are right. What was I thinking? Did I really think this baby would change him?

He sent an angry text a few hours ago after I didn't respond to the others: WTF! You called me at 2:30, now you are playing games.

Cake eater. While I was in the hospital he was in another womans bed.

[Startingover2]

I did hear thru the small town gossip mill that dh was at a party last night. Where he went from there is anyones guess. OW? Another woman? Passed out? Who knows. Evidently he was rather intoxicatd at this party. Nice to know he is suffering so much.

He has no idea I was in preterm labor last night. He would probably offer some sort of excuse anyway. I can't imagine him being there now. Our daughters birth was going to be something so special and bonding, now he is so upsetting I don't want him there.

[JAK58]

[/quote] He then got angry and said that I can't push him out of babys life and he will be there for her birth. [quote]

SO2,

Only if you want him in there with you.

Hold strong, He needs to learn tht he can't cake-eat and get away with it.

He thinks if he keeps texting you and threatening you that you will be afraid he will leave you for good.
He has already left, as your friends said he didn't care then and a baby isn't changing that. He is just using the baby to manipulate you.

You are doing good keep up the no contact ( fake it till you make it).

Your MIL may mean well but remember she is still his MOM and wants the best for him ultimitaly.

I hope every thng is ok with the baby and you.

Sorry i wasn't on this weekend but, it is hard when H is home.

JAK

[Startingover2]

Thanks Jak...I hope you had a good weekend.

Haven't heard from dh since yesterday morning to which I ignored. I keep thinking that he has got to be remorseful, sad, lonely etc. after thinking about his choices and such but I really think that is what "I" would be thinking had I done what he has done. He thinks along a really different line.

I have to go get bloodwork done today for possible std's. Great. That will be embarrassing. I told the doctor the other night a bit of what was going on and he said even if there is a remote chance dh has been with another woman we need to protect ourselves. Will change the birth completely.

Got the baby's room all set up on Saturday. Looks so cute. It was a huge mental step for me. I wanted to do it with dh together and I know its something he wanted, but yet another small consequence.

I need to be up and around more today. Yesterday was hard to lay around and think, but I had to after Saturday night. My son saw dh at the little store in town yesterday morning at 11 a.m. buying a 12 pack of beer. He asked my son what I was doing....what a thoughtful guy.

[JAK58]

So2
Try not to analyze the sitch or what H should or should not be thinking it will only drive you nuts.

H not getting to help set up the nursery is something he will have to deal with if he ever comes to his senses.

You need to just take care of you and your wonderful children.

Don't worry about H, you can't fix this he has to work on this himself and apparently not ready to at this point.

Also don't worry about him being with OW as the only one it hurts in the end is you and serves to keep it going when you confront him because it keeps things fresh. Use what you know only to serve as a boundry to protect yourself.
Take it easy.

JAK

[Startingover2]

Well, he sent a text today asking me to let him know when he can do the babys room. He also heard that I was in hospital. I told him briefly what happened and that I already got the nursery done over the weekend. He was angry that I didn't try "harder" to get ahold of him. I said "I have said all I needed to say. Want no contact until he gets help for the drinking and decides if he wants to be a family man or not."

He then gets pissy....and says what does his drinking have to do with it? OMG, I ignored him. He then asked when today he can get his cleaning supplies he left here. Seriously....cleaning supplies? I said today doesn't work but tomorrow will be fine.

On top of commitment issues, alcohol issues I think there are some major mental issues.