On a good note--still holding the no contact. I can see now that it will take months of no contact for him to be able to get the focus off of me and really live with the consequences of his choices. Only because it is already set up, I am leaving it up to my IC to talk with him, maybe shed some light on where I am/how I got here, and how he is just as co-dependent as I--maybe she will say something that sparks an interest in him to look within. She is thinking of writing up a short synopsis / case study of our interactions, like the book has. Maybe seeing it so objectively will do something--I am actually looking forward to seeing it myself. I recognize that he will NEVER hear it from me, and that it is not my place or responsibility. He may never hear it at all, and I have to just go forward working on that assumption--let it be over.
I think that the hardest part for me has been knowing that it was a good marriage for a long time--I have so many good memories, as do the kids. No one around us saw this thing coming. Its not like I am coming to the realization that it "wasn't that bad." I was happy. The kids were happy. I may never understand what went on inside his head those last months before the affair, what the factors were that lead him to change so drastically. But this would have been easier if I could look back and see misery for everyone. It just wasn't there. So I still miss him and the life we had.
But I know that I have to go forward to find the happiness within me in this new life. There is so much positive to focus on, and I just have to live there.
I am going to be getting an advent wreath tomorrow. It will be a new tradition for the kids and me, something I lost along the way of life. We'll start bringing up the Christmas decorations this week, and get the tree on Saturday.
