WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..

[jab]

Today I couldn't hold it together. Spent half the day putting together computer for W and crying (kept having to walk out of room so kids didn't see me). Was playing a mixed CD I made for her (I gave it to her when she was leaving for work). After I was done dying inside, I started feeling bitter.

Wife was pretty silent most of the time she was awake. Sat down for dinner and I began discussing plans/schedule for me moving things out starting tomorrow AM, mostly logistical things. I was most of the way through and W said, "lets not discuss this in front of the kids". I replied, "why not? they know about it, they're excited because they get to have sleepovers with dad in his new place". She ate a little more then got up from the table.

I was smoking a cig in garage with her a few minutes before she left. W stated she appreciates stuff I'm doing for her but she doesn't know how to react because "she feels awkward". I kind of lost it there. I did keep a calm voice through entire conversation:

Me: "awkward? Yeah, right. You think YOU feel awkward?"

W: "I didn't ask for you to do all of this stuff, why are you all fired up?"

Me: "Sorry I can't fake it all the time and act as if everything is fine...

Me: "Why are YOU upset? You get to get rid of everything that is causing you unhappiness in your life. You get to sit and watch me do all the work. I'm the one that is losing virtually everything that he cared and dreamed about.

Me: "You are the one who doesn't want me anymore. I can't even do a damn thing about it, I just have to leave you alone and not say anything to you. I just have to keep all my love for you inside because you'll get upset. You can't even look at pictures of us together."

W: (Angry) "I'm just leaving for work now, I don't have to listen to any of this."

Me: "See, now you're angry. Why are you angry? Have a nice night."

I failed today. I couldn't control myself. I sometimes wonder if after a couple more months of this that I will become a bitter, unloving person. I may not be able to love her anymore or anyone else again. I really don't even care how she is feeling right now. I hope she is crying in her car driving to work, but she probably isn't. She has and still is taking me for granted. I may have taken her for granted in the past but that stopped awhile ago and it just seems like it doesn't matter to her.

I remember after my DUI she said she wished that she could hurt me like I hurt her. She got her wish, I have felt more pain in the past 6 weeks than I ever have in my life. The emotional wounds she is inflicting on me are deep. What really sucks is that I still love her deeply and she doesn't seem to care anymore. When I look at her I see the 20 year old that I met 16 years ago. She is throwing away a love that she'll never find again. We are a part of each other. I sometimes despise her for not coming to me with her feelings before they got so bad. That's what you are supposed to do when you're married!