Jenny, for sure you put the SUPER in Supermom! Great title! Here are my thoughts for you since I haven't given any in awhile: 1. Sorry H had a CRAPPY day yesterday. HaHa! (Couldn't resist that one.) 2. Do what you have to do to help S and yourself get a good nights sleep. I'm sure H doesn't realize each child is so different. My first D was an easy baby. I always said if my second D was my first she would have been an only child. H was busy with an EA and life was tough then. You will make it through. 3. Glad to hear you are getting out of the house. Also good to see H had to stay there and see what it is like to take care of sick D. 4. We all snap sometimes. I admit, for 19 years I was a nagger. I have stopped that (big 180), so I think when I asked something of H he realizes I mean it and I see better results. 5. Most of all I hope D is feeling better.
Well Supermom lugged 2 kids to a Christmas part today and is exhausted!! Especially since we got a foot of snow dumped on us last night and I had the pleasure of shovelling this morning to get my car out. FUN!! MIL came to help a bit and when I got home from the pary my neighbour had finished my walkway and the sidewalks around my house. God Bless him!! A couple of my friends are cursing H saying "Why the *&^% isn't he over there shovelling for you?? He's supposed to be taking care of stuff like that!!!".
I'm finding myself really concentrating again on H's thoughts, wondering constantly what's going on his head. I know all the usual stuff...'focus on myself', 'detach', 'you'll never figure out what he's thinking 'cause he barely knows'. Blah blah blah...I can't stop thinking about it. I think since he dropped the extreme anger I'm starting to perhaps see glimmers of hope again. Now is where I absolutely have to ensure that I step back and give him space. If he is indeed starting to see some light I DO NOT want to hinder that progress at all!
His Mom told me that he's very depressed. At her place (where he basically is when he's not here), he is really down and sleeps most of the time, day or night. He barely eats and they can't even get him to crack a smile which is not like him. I'm very worried about him. I want to reach out to him, but I know I absolutely can't. I really want him to know that I'm here for him if he needs me...I want him to see me as his best friend like he used to and lean on me. But I know he doesn't even realize he needs someone to lean on right now and that person is least likely to be me anyway. Sigh...what happened to my man? J~
Well Supermom lugged 2 kids to a Christmas part today and is exhausted!! Especially since we got a foot of snow dumped on us last night and I had the pleasure of shovelling this morning to get my car out. FUN!! MIL came to help a bit and when I got home from the pary my neighbour had finished my walkway and the sidewalks around my house. God Bless him!! A couple of my friends are cursing H saying "Why the *&^% isn't he over there shovelling for you?? He's supposed to be taking care of stuff like that!!!".
I'm finding myself really concentrating again on H's thoughts, wondering constantly what's going on his head. I know all the usual stuff...'focus on myself', 'detach', 'you'll never figure out what he's thinking 'cause he barely knows'. Blah blah blah...I can't stop thinking about it. I think since he dropped the extreme anger I'm starting to perhaps see glimmers of hope again. Now is where I absolutely have to ensure that I step back and give him space. If he is indeed starting to see some light I DO NOT want to hinder that progress at all!
His Mom told me that he's very depressed. At her place (where he basically is when he's not here), he is really down and sleeps most of the time, day or night. He barely eats and they can't even get him to crack a smile which is not like him. I'm very worried about him. I want to reach out to him, but I know I absolutely can't. I really want him to know that I'm here for him if he needs me...I want him to see me as his best friend like he used to and lean on me. But I know he doesn't even realize he needs someone to lean on right now and that person is least likely to be me anyway. Sigh...what happened to my man? J~
Very wisely stated Jenny. You are right that you can't reach out to him now while he is depressed. Your desciption of him sounds like my H this summer. My trying to "help" him only made things worse. He is finally back to smiling so give your H time. I know, I hate saying that as much as I hate hearing that.
Take it easy with the shoveling. You did have a baby recently! Did you have C-section? If so, please be careful. And a big to your H for not doing it himself.
I've been reading your posts alot and i've just gotta say that you have such a great attitude considering everything.
It always amazes me how Hs that don't actually take much care of the babies seem to have all the advice in the world on how moms should change what they are doing. I think our maternal instinct frightens them. hehe.
Keep doing what you're doing.
ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
I would say you are doing FABULOUSLY. I think since you are standing up for yourself and he can see that self-confidence you have gained back...he IS having second thoughts.
These are the things my H saw in me before he began to turn back into the person I knew...Good for you at making a salad and going to your computer even when he was there....
He needs to sit and stew in his thoughts about how he is behaving and this helps him to do more thinking...on his own.
Keep up the good vibes and I am sending more your way.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
when I got home from the pary my neighbour had finished my walkway and the sidewalks around my house. God Bless him!! A couple of my friends are cursing H saying "Why the *&^% isn't he over there shovelling for you?? He's supposed to be taking care of stuff like that!!!".
OK....first of all I owe my H an apology for this comment!! I found out last night that it was H who came by and shovelled while I was at the party!!! What is interesting is how I believe this came to happen. H plays hockey with a bunch of friends on Sun mornings. One of our closest friends (I'll call him JB) is on the team and we have children the exact same age (our D & their S are 2 wks apart and the babies are one month apart). So JB walks into the dressing room and starts speaking to another friend about what a crazy few days it's been (their S2 has been sick too) and starts going on and on about his 'poor wife' with the breastfeeding and sick 2 yr old and getting ready for the party and how he had to shovel the driveway to ensure they could get out ok. He really caked it all on knowing that H was sitting there listening to it all and knowing that H obviously has not been putting that kind of effort in and that I've been dealing with all of this by myself for the most part. So I think after hearing that he decided he better get his butt over here and shovel!
He's acting all nice again and normal tonight on the phone when making arrangements for D for the rest of the week. I was at a place where detaching was easier because he was being such a jerk. Now I'm back to wondering what is going on in his head?! I need to focus on staying consistent now though...but I am a little suspicious of it. Don't know if he's just doing his cycling behaviour or if he's up to something.
He's acting all nice again and normal tonight on the phone when making arrangements for D for the rest of the week. I was at a place where detaching was easier because he was being such a jerk. Now I'm back to wondering what is going on in his head?! I need to focus on staying consistent now though...but I am a little suspicious of it. Don't know if he's just doing his cycling behaviour or if he's up to something.
Wish I could read his mind! J~
Wouldn't it all be so much easier if we could all read our WAS's minds. I know it is hard not to be suspicious. Remember he is suspicious of your changes as well. My H has said as much to me and told my C something to the effect that people don't change. I guess I can't become a nice person and be genuine. You know from your own experience that people can change. Trust that whatever changes you see in your H for the better are just that.
Supermom's bubble has burst...again. H seems to be on a 2 wk cycle of making things worse for me.
I mentioned that I'm 'suspicious' of his changed attitude. Turns out I had reason to be...
Today while balancing our budget I noticed that H's paycheck went into our account by an ABM deposit and not by direct deposit as per usual. It was also $300 less than normal. I e-mailed him to ask him and he said, he'd opened up his own account and his paychecks would now go into his account and he would transfer them to the joint account.
A couple weeks ago we'd discussed getting our own accounts and transferring out our own spend $$ into these accounts once the bills were paid. But instead he does this?? Behind my back?? And he's holding back $$? Even if this $300 is spending $$ why is he still using our joint account to make these purchases and withdrawals.
I am going to retain a lawyer tomorrow to get myself protected right away.
BUT, WTF is he doing?? I'm on mat leave! The baby is 6 wks old!!This is so beyond anything I thought he was capable of doing. I didn't think it could get worse than him asking me to look at selling the house 3 weeks ago...and then he pulls this. This is so much more than "I just don't love her anymore"...this is hateful, sneaky, utterly selfish, disrespectful...I could go on and on.
He must be SO sick for the man I married to be capable of this! So here I am mad, scared, sad...but still believing in my heart that he is so sick he doesn't know what he is doing. I feel as though I'm living in a twilight zone! I want to believe the man I married is still in there somewhere and that he is better than this...but he is not that person now and I don't love this person. I want to stand by him...but not only is he not allowing me to (with OW) but he is actually trying to screw me in this process.
Someone help please!! I don't know what to make of all this or what to think! I am SO disgusted with him and am truly shocked that he has it in him to be this monster. My poor children! This is their father??? J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
Jenny, for sure you put the SUPER in Supermom! Great title! Here are my thoughts for you since I haven't given any in awhile:
to your H for not doing it himself.