NikkiB #22 (almost separated)

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I'm so glad you liked the blue rug idea and it worked well! AND you finally found the right paint!

and, you know if you guys do get back together, it could be a little getaway ML room. having other places is always good for the sex-life.

I was thinking on the bathroom mirror thing. Could you just take that mirror off and put a bigger one on? I saw some at lowes, and it looks like you could maybe take the mirror off and replace it. ?? Of course if it was bigger, it would have to be placed flush to the hinges, so maybe it wouldn't come out over the sink in the right spot. just a thought.

And ya, I agree you need to move in now, or asap. otherwise you'll never get in there, and you'll even feel more anxious about doing it the longer you wait.

you know, if H asks about it, I would almost just be as vague as possible. just say, it's a goal you made for yourself, or it's just something I've needed to do for myself. and then change the subject.

I will be REALLY interested in his response when you say, good night, sleep well, and then head off to YOUR room.

This could turn out to be really fun. later on when things get heatin up, you could do a little scavenger hunt for him and it would lead him to your room all sexied out on your queen sofa...

hmmm.. I need to take my own advice

[NikB]

Hey all - thanks again for posting!

Didn't get back on yesterday obviously - but finally have time to post an update today.


f21

I absolutely think you deserve to have what you want. Do you?

You know what... that one question made me think more than any of the rest! Logical answer is "Of course!" but in reality, I'm not taking actions/steps to make that happen.. maybe there's some doubt in me somewhere, thinking that no, I DON'T deserve it. I still beat myself up for past mistakes sometimes, so I don't "deserve" what I want because of those mistakes. Make sense??

Not healthy and something I need to continue working on - but thank you for that question, defnitely helped me see it.

Yes I loved OT's suggestions - thanks again OT!

I'm getting the impression that it is you, not your H, that isn't motivated to make more changes right now.

Hmmm.. interesting point, and I think pretty true. I am just TIRED when I think about my R/M. Part of me wishes it was just over with already (this would be the same part of me feels very much "What's the point?" about R/Ms in general). I have been basically trying to just ignore that whole voice entirely - which you're right, is resulting in not making more changes. Fear and doubt... bad combination.

jak
Thanks for the perspective. Sorry that you're having a tough time right now!!

ST
Oh yeah - I do believe the sincerity of what he did on that Valentine's day. Seeing that made the current "void" or lack more apparent though, that's for sure.

Hmmm that's an idea on the mirror - I can take a look. It has to be a medicine cabinet and not just a mirror, for storage reasons - but that's a good idea, I'll have to see what I can find.

You're right that I get more anxious the longer I wait.

--------------------
So on to some journaling... have had an odd few days and I'm not sure what to think.

Friday I was doing some stuff around the house - H was working on his car, finished something up and got all excited to show it to me. So we looked at that for a bit - just hanging out, light, friendly, upbeat. It was getting late and we had planned to eat leftovers but were both not in the mood for any more turkey, so we ended up going out to dinner. It was pretty nice, had some good conversation.

Saturday I went with my Mom to this Christmas festival / tree lighting thing. It was pretty neat - small town type thing and we had a good time there.

That night I had originally planned to go to a club with that new meetup group but decided not to go - for a few reasons, but mainly because this very creepy guy ended up going at the last minute. I've only seen him at a few meetup things but he freaks me out. If he's interested in you he will glom on and just does NOT give up. He is STILL after 4 months trying to convince my friend that she is single because he wants to go out with her. She is not single and has flat out told him this numerous times, she has even very directly told him she is not interested, would not date him even if she WAS single, and leave her alone... he isn't getting it. He likes me also unfortunately - and likes to try and convince me that I am not married and how he's such great date material (ew). Anyway, I didn't want to deal with him - he kind of scares me, and I hadn't met any of the other people going, so I passed.

When I got home H had a really nice fire going in the fireplace.... we had rented a couple movies last week and never watched them, so decided to stay home, enjoy the fire, watch the movies. We also went out for pizza, which was pretty good except for a really off the wall R/M talk initiated by H (more in a sec). Today H is at his friend's house and I'm catching up on stuff at home though so that's good - at least I can enjoy the house to myself for awhile!

In good news - we spent a lot of good time together, H has been asking constantly what I'm doing, who with, where I'm going, etc. All in all didn't feel like I was pursuing exactly but I was too available all weekend - kinda frustrated with myself about it although I don't think it matters much in the grand scheme of where we are right now.

So on to this R talk - we had this off the wall, cryptic R talk. I have guesses but no clear idea what the heck it was about, and I am driving myself nuts trying to guess. It started off with H saying something about not wanting to have his birthday this year (it's in a week and a half). I kinda laughed and said "Yeah I know, wish I could've skipped mine too, hate that getting older thing." He responded in a super serious tone "My mom's mad at me."

I'm scratching my head at this point trying to make the connection and asked why she was mad...

H: Because I haven't told.. haven't gotten.. well haven't done it yet.
Me: Done what?
H: Followed through on things.
Me: I don't understand.
H: I wish I wasn't having my birthday this year. I wish we could just get past that and the holidays and it would all be over.
Me: That's kinda sad. I am looking forward to enjoying the holidays this year.
[I know, this wasn't good validating and I turned it into a thing about me...]
H: I don't want to deal with it, my birthday. And my mom's mad at me for not... [trailed off..]

I am missing some of the details but the impression I was getting by this time was basically that he's told SIL and his mom that it's over but he hasn't told ME yet and hasn't done anything about it. I could be totally off base but it was the feeling I got. Partly from this convo, and partly because H's mom has been REALLY rude to me the last few times she's been over. Not in a mean way, just in a totally ignoring me as if I don't even exist way.

Sat. night after one of the times he said she was mad I said "You know I kind of feel like she's mad at me too, she hasn't seemed normal the last few times I've seen her." H replied "Well, that's my fault." All day today I keep thinking "So what DID you tell your mom that she doesn't like me anymore??" I'm trying to let it go, but notice myself getting really anxious and obsessing about it a bit today.

Oh at one point I asked where this all came from and H said:

H: The other day you asked what I might want for my birthday [this did happen.. he had first brought up asking me what I might want for Christmas so it was a 'normal' type convo to have at the time].
Me: Yeah, I remember that.
H: I need a jack for the race car. But you shouldn't get.. I mean. That's what I would like though. If you want.
[some back and forth about what happened to the old jack, why he needed a new one, what he wanted.. normal conversation.. but felt like we were both walking on eggshells after that.]

So, now I'm off to work on a top to bottom cleaning of the office. It's a MESS to the point that it's making me anxious to look at it, so I figure I'll tackle at least one anxiety-causing thing. Should help!! I was going to finish painting instead but I can't find the step-ladder anywhere - it's not where we normally keep it - so rather than get frustrated by that I'm finding something else to do.

Looking forward to a work trip for 2 days this week, then a long weekend in Sonoma to meet some fellow DB'ers next weekend. Gotta get that PMA back up!!

[oldtimer]

Hmmmmm....

It must feel great sleeping next to someone who you believe is planning to bomb you. (not.) I hate to see you doing this.

BTW, great job not going on that meet-up. But I think you are capable of going out on your own, no? Indeed, I think you had a great time in Sonoma doing just that.

If the gift thing is weird, why don't you agree with H: "You're right, I really shouldn't get you anything, let's skip gifts this year."

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I'm sorry you had some confusing convos with H. Just focus on other stuff right now, and who cares what it all means. Your goals should still be the same anyways so what would it change.

Now for me, I did not have a problem sleeping next to someone (as OT pictured) but you need to do what is right for you.. and I agree you need to get out of that room.

maybe your right that he told his fam a while back that he was done, and you know how family is on trying to make the person happy (just like your mom) and tell them how much better they'd be w/o them and etc(even though they really know crap about the R). but in the meantime he's gotten confused again and has prolonged his decision-again- because he really doesn't know what in the heck he wants still. I mean, think of what this is doing to his brain. This whole time, you've pretty much known what you want... for you and your H to have a good and healthy R in M....but he's never known what he wants. That would be pretty stressful I think. I'm sorry, I think I had a bigger point, but got distracted and forgot.

I think you need to get moved in that room asap. Do what you plan though, don't change what you've been doing because of that conversation. Be flirty, be hot, be unavailable (and this weekend is okay, just don't do it every weekend) have fun, love your new room, and keep your pma up for sure.

don't worry... my H had lots of stuff going on that made me think about it incessantly and drove me crazy too, so I understand.

gotta go... talk to you soon

[C_K]

Nikki

I pretty much agree that your H probably is not sure what he wants. You need to do whats right for you and not worry about what he is thinking because you will only fill in the gaps yourself and then you are guessing.

Oh yeah you are right to stay clear of anyone who needs to tell you how good they are.

Dave

[Reincarnated]

((((Nikki))))

How are your fishies and puppy, btw?

Still seems like your H is in Lala land, but you sure don't! I can picture him, curled up on the floor next to your futon....

[JAK58]

[/quote]

I think you need to get moved in that room asap. Do what you plan though, don't change what you've been doing because of that conversation. Be flirty, be hot, be unavailable (and this weekend is okay, just don't do it every weekend) have fun, love your new room, and keep your pma up for sure. [quote]

Nikki,

It does sound like now is the right time to move into your room.
and be unavailable to H. Make him start doing more work as he thinks he might just loose you for good. He does sound so confused ans at least at this point you are preparing to live your life for you. No matter what happens you will be fine and strong and have a wonderful life.


I think ya kinda have to agree with what OT says here.
JAK