I Was Almost A Walk-Away Wife (next thread)

[sandi2]

Thanks Lou...as always, I appreciate what you have to say. I have missed not talking to you as much lately. I think what I say is pretty much of the same thing over and over, so it probably gets boring to people....I know it would me...lol.

What you said about using the AD meds and not any sexual drive as an excuse to pay any special attention to my H.....you are right of course, I should not use it for an excuse. It was my poor humor in trying to say that I would not be tempted to contact OM if I didn't have any sexual desire.

The thing that I want to return and to feel normal and not fake is to "want" to do special things for my H. He has had to put up with a lot this past year b/c I have not tried very hard. Oh, things got better after I decided to not leave and to lose OM, but I have slipped away and just don't want to do anything. Last night he was on the computer and as soon as he got off and come in the front room where the TV was, I got up to go get on the computer. This haapens all the time. He asked me where I was going and told me that he had come in there to be with me. Now, I knew he wasn't going to "talk" to me, but I remember what one of you guys said about H's being in the house with their W's is "spending time with them" as they see it. So, I went and sat there for about two minutes and it was all I could stand. I got up and went to the computer. I just could not stand to sit there and watch some boring TV program. I know that is awful and I'm ashamed that I'm that way....and I don't want to be. That's what I'm saying....I don't want to be that way. What is wrong with me and why don't I want to be alone with him and spend time watching TV with him no matter what program is on? I know it had to have hurt him b/c this past two or three days he seems like he has been trying to be nicer to me and I just don't respond.

I feel so confused about what to do with the AD meds. I'm going to give it one more month and if I'm not feeling better....well I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm on the right thing. I don't have panic attacks or anything like that, I'm just so sad and don't want to do anything at all. That is one reason I can't seem to "make" myself do special things for my H like you were talking about. I use to Lou.......and I loved doing it then and I want to feel like doing it again. I hate this feeling. It is awful. When a person is so depressed, they can't joke around and have fun with people or be jolly at Christmastime. I don't want to be like that for my family. I just want to feel like my old self again and have my feeling return for my H.