CVA - Moving On

[Puddle]

Hey CVA,

Just checking in on you, my friend. The C session sounds great, very positive, if not in the M sense. Just the fact that you and W are sitting together in the same room talking to each other is a huge change.

I like Nomo's idea of standing still for a while. We reach this point where we see where we're likely headed and just want to get on with it, get to the good stuff down the line. There's a lot to learn on the way there, though.

And even if the home owner put on the brakes, she gave you a really wonderful gift: the in-the-flesh affirmation that you're a great guy, worthy of attraction, interest, and love.

Take care.

[Not Much Left]

So what do you mean by standng still? No House, No girls...

C

[Handful of Rain]

CVA, yesterday, you made a post that really hit me where I live. about time lines and leaving the door open for reconciliation, at this time, this is same emotions I have been struggling with, everyday.

One minute you think you have all the answers, you've got this thing licked, the next, you get thrown a curve ball and you feel like your back to square one. I call it limbo.

I know that I am torn, between moving on, and holding on, and it is the most important decision that I've ever had to make, there is a lot a stake. With every one's advice, including yours, even though, I can't stand limbo, I am staying there, for now, and just waiting to see what happens. I still believe that I will know when it is time to act/react.

At my last C'ing session, my C told me that before getting in another R, most experts agree you take twice the amount of time, that you were with your spouse. I said, by that token, I will be in my 70's. So I don't think that my internal time clock will, allow me to wait anywhere near that long. I know that when the time comes I will know, and I know that I will not waste my life in limbo. I am doing what you are doing, Really GAL, going out having a good time with friends, concentrating on my work, and kids. and just trying to improve myself. So when the next R does come, whether it be with my W, or a new love. I will be ready for it, and not find myself in this position again. You are in my prayers. Take care.

[Puddle]

Hey CVA,

So what do you mean by standing still? No House, No girls...

By standing still, I mean let things happen for a bit. Your W has initiated the D, and you need to respond, but you don't need to help it along---it'll go on its own. What I meant was, it can be easy to say, great, let's get it done, and start pushing. So by standing still, I mean don't push.

I don't mean you shouldn't move on finding a house, or that you should avoid women. I think you definitely need a house, and finding one won't change the status of your M. That can go on.

And about other women, I don't have the sense that you've detached from your own W enough to want to start dating around, or have you? I know it feels good. I'm glad you had that time with the home owner, for sure.

I'm rambling a bit. I guess when I say "stand still" I'm thinking more about an internal kind of quiet, a sitting with things and just letting them be. Geeez, yoga, anyone?

Take care.

[Not Much Left]

Thanks Puddle
Struggled a bit yesterday with my innerself. Got in a bad mood and couldnt shake it for 2-3 hours, it was so bad that I came home with the boys, went up to the Theater Room to watch football and fell asleep! I NEVER FALL ASLEEP in the middle of the day. Basically I am burned out.

I have found a house, now the realtor is bugging me to put in an offer. It is a bit further away than the "homeowners" house, I like it better but also means the kids cant ride their bikes over to see me.

I am struggling, if it were you, or anyone else reading this, what would you do? Either way a big financial commitment and I so want to be close to my kids. The "WC's" house is closer for sure, just not as nice for the same price.

What I have concluded about her is that she is more messed up than me about her divorce, her recent breakup, her financials etc

Help?

[Puddle]

Hey CVA,

Got in a bad mood and couldnt shake it for 2-3 hours, it was so bad that I came home with the boys, went up to the Theater Room to watch football and fell asleep! I NEVER FALL ASLEEP in the middle of the day. Basically I am burned out.

I get this, CVA. At some point the body/mind just has to shut down to make you take a rest. Are you taking good care of yourself? Eating well, getting enough rest, not too much drinking, etc?

I like it better but also means the kids cant ride their bikes over to see me.... if it were you, or anyone else reading this, what would you do? Either way a big financial commitment and I so want to be close to my kids.

First off, you've mentioned the possibility of your W moving (to Dallas?). Do you have a sense now of whether or not she plans to stay in the house?

Second, from what I've gathered about you so far, CVA, you are one devoted dad. I think if I were you, I'd tell the realtor to back the hell off and I'd keep looking a bit for a place the kids can bike to. (Of course I have no idea what the housing market's like there, whether there's a lot on the market, etc.) Just my $.02.

What I have concluded about her is that she is more messed up than me about her divorce, her recent breakup, her financials etc

Good to know. Movin' on...

((((CVA))))

[Not Much Left]

Thanks Puddle!
I'm in great shape and taking care of myself. Gosh, if I weren't and like I was last year, I might be dead from all the stress.
She's not moving so...

The market is still pretty tight here, things always come and go, I just want to stop living like a nomad

C

[Heimlich]

First, how realistic is it that the kids will ride their bikes to your house? If it is, then keep looking for something close enough for them to do so. If not, find something you like that's close enough for a quick drive for you to pick them up whenever you want/need to.

Just curious, is your W going to get a job or is she relying on alimony and child support? Also, as Puddle said, you're a devoted dad. You don't have to settle for every other weekend if you don't want to. Joint custody does put a crimp in the ability to get out and meet new people, but compared with being with my girls, there's no comparison (even though they drove me nuts this morning).

BD

[MissingMyHoney]

How was cva wknd? Are you doing ok?

rain, As I previously posted I am somewhat successful in my dbing. Put it this way, I dont make anything bother me as how they used to. For the part of moving on, the 'Quasi-Intellectual' MMH concluded that you cannot force someone to be with you, love you, and appreciate you. (I had to use cva's quote of the quasi intellectual).

It is the same manner in which we all got M and we didnt forced one or the other to be M. So we cant force anyone to stay in a R. As far as moving on, well, how about moving to a different state sounds? Im moving on but bringing along W and D. If W wants to go and live a separate life so be it. I will be happy to be in a new state to meet new people and continue dbing to the fullest. For now, I am ok with the outcomes.

Sorry cva for hijacking your post.

[Not Much Left]

Hey H
I think we will have a lot of mutual respect for each other's desires with the kids unless she wigs out (some more?). Therefore, I am probably going to put an offer in on the house that is 1 mile away.

I would say she will probably go back to school for a period (although how she does that and takes care of the kids I have no clue) or just get a job to bide her time and make some extra money but for the most part, it will be child support and the money she will get in the settlement which if played correctly, will last a long, long time (hence, "it's cheaper to keep them then to leave them...")

I REALLY have thought about the whole control issue after a few outide factors hit me over the head this weekend.

First, Sunny pointed out that I have carried around ALL the emotion, mostly the anger, in our relationship. As smart as I think I am, I NEVER saw it that way and it is so true. Second, the Xmas lights people came to put the lights on the top of the house (I dont do that one after nearly falling off the ladder 5 yrs ago). I asked where the guy was that started the company, "oh, they are getting a divorce, my daughter is better off, he was controlling, never let her do anything, basically restrained her from going out, punched her in the stomach while she was pregnant, kicked her and her baby out of the house right after she was born...."WHOAH!

So, knowing how bad my W thinks she was controlled, I started thinking about it hard to understand my role. I sort of get it but then I dont. I never stopped her from doing anything, ever. Never said NO, said I wasnt happy about certain things and grumbled when she came home or the whole Dallas trips to her family thing was always an "issue" but I never said, "DONT GO, or YOUR NOT GOING". So please help me people, I dont want to be a controlling person, how can you guilt someone so bad that they feel abused? I swear, I dont really understand it???

OK, 2x4's, 4x6's, Timbers from the rafters, hit me.

C