OK I was here about three years ago now, but under a different user name...new sitch...new name. I will have read that people try to keep thier history brief and thay go on and on, so I am not going to say that. But I will try to give just the facts. H and I have been married 14 years, almost 15 in March of 2008. We have a D 12 and the only one thank goodness, wonderful kid but glad we only have one. Been together for 18 year the begin of Novemember this year. So we do have quite the history together. Fast forward to end of 2004, begining 2005. H drops the I love you but not in love with you. I do all the wrong things, that was before I read the book. That all stopped after I read it. Found out for sure that he OW in January of 2005, and that sent me into a really tail spin. I was depressed and could not sleep, etc. the normal things that happen when you find this kind of thing out. Well good to say that a couple of months of me doing some serious DBing and demanding equal time OW got tired of being the OW and dumped H. Yeah for me. H and I were in counceling together and individually at the time. We worked things out sort of, we did more things together and even went on a family vacation for the first time with our D. We had a lot of fun that summer and the rest of the year. One thing that H wanted to do was to remain in contact with the OW I did not like that but for what ever reason I put up with it. The friendship did fade so she is no longer in the picture, YEAH, and has not been for about a year now. Things between H and I started to head down the same road that lead him to his A with OW about a year ago when I go blind sided is the best way to put it, by a very close male friend of mine. He told me that he loved me and has been in love with me for quite some time. Now let me explain where I was at that time in my R with H, he was beinging the definition of an insensitive jerk to put it nicely. So with the opportunity that was dropped in my lap somebody who puts me on a peddistal and worships the gound that I walk on, I acted on it. Me and the OM did not get physcial for several months into the A. I was having an inner stuggle that this was not right I am married but I allowed him in. We have been carrying on the A now for almost a year and H still does not know. About a month ago H finally noticed that I had not been wearing my wedding ring, had not been wearing since August. He of course got angry but I told him that I had not been happy for quite sometime and that I had tried to talk to him about it and he just did his normal bury head in the sand or joked about it when it was brought up. But since then we have had some pretty serious talks and he does not want to lose me and does not want to start over with someone new. The night that he asked me about the ring I told him that I had been putting money away for a while to save for the retainer for the lawyer that I would use for the D. Of course there was the question is there anybody else, I denied it. Now I have been putting off filing for D for some reason, and I honestly don't know why, I have had plenty of money to pay the lawyer. The OM is definatly getting impaitent with me because of the constant delays on my part, but he has been telling me do this for you and only you and be 1000% sure before you do. Well I have NEVER been 1000% sure, I know that is one of the several reasons that I have not filed. H is constantly telling me that he loves me and is really trying I am really seeing that he is trying. But now the problem that I have, do I trust that things will get better and we will be able to work things out. Or am I going to be on the ride again where he does just what he thinks he needs to, to keep me around. Been there done that... I can tell that this has really hit him hard, he has even asked about counceling, which I am more than willing to go to I think that is the only way that we will be able to get through all of this. I started counceling a couple of weeks ago to figure out what I should do, stay or leave. Well after my last appt with the C I thought I had finally made up my mind and I was leaving. But now I am not really sure, I don't want to cut the OM out of my life until I know for sure that H will be willing to do the same thing that I did, forgive me for the affair. The thought has crossed my mind that he has not figured out that something has been going on and not to tell him about it. But even my counselor has said that if you do stay with H you will need to tell him about OM. I know that in order for things to work out with H and I the OM needs to be out of my life which I am willing to do, it will be hard but I am willing to do it. the OM will truly and depply hurt, and I will literally have no friends left but that is the price I will have to pay for this. OK maybe I should not say have no friends but I think that I will be left with a couple, but not many. So that is also something that I have to deal with. I hope that someone out there will be willing to help me out with this HUGE mess that I have my self in.
