Angelica makes a point about how we feel about ourselves...but the more self-love we have, how do we keep from thinking that we deserve better than this?
Hi, this is a tricky one. We do deserve better - that is an important thing to recognise. Sometimes we are so hurt that like abuse victims, we think we have deserved the awful treatment.
We get beyond that, and start loving ourselves, realising we are wonderful, and then we can be compassionate to our h's. I am not claiming to be able to do this all the time - when we have emptied our hearts of hurt and anger and bitterness, then I believe we can make a decision IF our h's want to come back.
w8ing hi glad you had fun at competition. I think out H cycles so sometimes they do seem normal but they never really are also i have seem my feelings constantly changing from day to day about H and what I should do so I dont really even trust them anymore the only thoing I really know is i am not done peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you everyone for your comments. I haven't been posting much lately because there has been nothing going on in my situation. While I do think a lot about my life lately, I really am fine. However, sometimes I do think that I shouldn't be this "fine". I feel like I should be sadder about everything, especially with the holidays approaching....
But today has been a great day. First, I was able to download the Grinch ringtone to my phone. Should I assign it to H's number? A little humor here!
Second, at work, H told me that a friend and wife of his, who live oversees, want to come to the US and stay with him for six weeks once H finds "suitable housing". They also want to bring their 16 year old daughter and have her go to school here for a while, possibly longer than the six weeks. Now I know that my H doesn't want to do this (the friend is a bit of a pain in the *ss). So I am smiling and laughing (as is he) as he is telling me this. And I said to him that I hoped he knew how much restraint I was showing by not saying anything. He responded that my face was not showing any restraint, which it wasn't. There was so much that I could have said to him. But, honestly, I kept thinking, I am so lucky to not be with you right now - I would not want to have these people living with me for that length of time. And I also thought I have suitable housing for you! (Meaning that in the property resolution, he wants me to have our current house and I don't want it. I will not be able to afford the mortgage and utilities. He will NOT be happy that I will not take it. He will feel like he is "stuck" with it as houses in this subdivision do not sell well - they are on the market for long periods of time and in some cases years).
He did go on to say that he wouldn't have any trouble keeping the 16 year old girl alone for a while, but that he was concerned because it was a great deal of responsibility - "you know, she is in high school and will want to go out with friends and that will be hard". Um, you mean what I do every day with your own children?!?!?!? But again, I just nodded and agreed with him.
He came in my office and brought this all up again, including my reaction. He was smiling and having fun with it. It was all so normal...
I have figured out that smiling and laughing is a lot easier than hating him. Regardless of what it may or may not do for my future relationship with him, it is better for me in every sense. And yes, at first it was an act. But now it is genuine.
I have no expectations. I continue to work on accepting that my marriage is over. I know that some may not agree with that because if I don't believe that it will survive, it won't. But for me, I don't want to have any false hopes. I don't want to ever feel again like I did this summer when I first got the bomb. This is my way of protecting me. It doesn't mean that I am closing the door...it just means that I am taking back control of my emotions, my life and my future.
w8ing, you sound really good! we all have to deal with what we are given in our own way.
plus, you are right that your marriage, as it is now, is over. that is a good thing and it doesn't mean you won't ever have another, better marriage with your H again
you said it, you are not closing the door
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
But today has been a great day. First, I was able to download the Grinch ringtone to my phone. Should I assign it to H's number? A little humor here!
That's a great idea! It would be worth a few smiles, at least!
Originally Posted By: w8ing
Second, at work, H told me that a friend and wife of his, who live oversees, want to come to the US and stay with him for six weeks once H finds "suitable housing".
Hmmm... sounds like 'divine intervention" to me! You certainly lucked out on that one.
Originally Posted By: w8ing
He came in my office and brought this all up again, including my reaction. He was smiling and having fun with it. It was all so normal...
He must have realized that you were the only one who would understand how he felt about those friends coming to visit. Is this the first time you've felt this "normalcy" since the bomb?
Originally Posted By: w8ing
I have no expectations. I continue to work on accepting that my marriage is over. I know that some may not agree with that because if I don't believe that it will survive, it won't. But for me, I don't want to have any false hopes. I don't want to ever feel again like I did this summer when I first got the bomb. This is my way of protecting me. It doesn't mean that I am closing the door...it just means that I am taking back control of my emotions, my life and my future.
I agree that it's good not to have expectations, but I don't think having hope is necessarily a bad thing. Do you feel even a glimmer of hope that you will be able to work things out? I know my sitch is my own, and different from yours, but I can't let go of the hope. I guess I'll only know for sure that it's "false hope" somewhere down the line.
On an intellectual level I get "false hope". Emotionally, I don't believe that hope is ever false. I am not naive enough to believe it always turns out the way we'd like, but I don't think to hope is ever wrong.
I get that you are protecting yourself and you sound well, so what do I know? Nothing.
I'm glad you're doing well and not having to deal with his friend and family. It's nice to feel like you have control over yourself.
NA - we have had a "normal" relationship for the last several interactions, but I am suspicious that he is being kind because he wants me to agree with the property settlement.
Hope. I am just so afraid that if I have even a sliver of hope, I will get crushed. I know I survived the original bomb, but I don't ever want those feelings again. All of them...the hurt, the anger, the hatred were just so intense and, at times, really frightened me.
I don't disagree with you guys on this. I do think hope is a good thing. I just can't decide if I am trying to protect myself, or if I really don't feel that we have a chance. We are just so early in this and I know that more bad stuff is coming. I don't think we have even begun to bottom out yet.....
W8ing sounds like your H is giving you some practice at not reacting that is good I remember when my sitch started, i so wanted to practice this new behavior now I have for many months..I like the new me less control..way less letting go more everyday it is so freeing to let other people make their choices and pay their consequences you are really doing well in my opinion and you are strong peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi w8ing- It is so interesting how your H has all of a sudden turned somewhat pleasent...I like how you are so guarded and thinking of his possibly motives. I am always so naive and just want to believe the best.
Now when it comes to hope, I agree that you need to do what ever it is that gets you through...but I just can't help but wonder if you can truly have compassion and forgiveness if you have no hope. Maybe you can and my brain just doesn't work the same. You should want to be in the healthiest place possible and I wonder if having no hope, you shut yourself off emotionally...which might not be good. Does that make sense?
Your H's house guest sound interesting. Did you pay this friend to do this to your H? It is perfect!
W8ing, my H has also been pleasant lately and like you, I am suspicious also. So I am keeping my guard up but at the same time enjoying the niceness for a change.
