New to Piecing -- again

[peaceful_spirit]

CL, Aud and Red,
You all make good points. I do need help with managing my emotions. It's somethign that I work on every day, and belive it or not, I've made great progress. Before H left almost two years ago, my anxiety was reaching peak levels. Looking back, i can't beleived I lived with such anxiety. I had control issues and found myself getting angrier and angrier. I was not too fond of myself.

WHen H left, my world crumbled around me. It was surreal. But I thank God that it happened. Because when he left, I started seeing a C, for the first time in my life. I got my anxiety under control. I learned how to live alone and not be dependant on other people. I found out that I can be happy with ME and not only if there are other people (namely, H) around me. It was an amazing growth experience for me. I literally feel like a different person. I didn't only survive without H, I thrived. Was I upset and sad at losing him and angry about the A? Of course. Big time. But I was happy with ME.

So, now, I do still struggle with these emotinos sometimes. I still have anxiety issues, and I always will. I just work at managing it. And I am much more aware of my triggers. I am more aware of my emotions and I try to be less reactive with acting on my emotions. And most of the time, I succedd. But sometimes, I do not. And I need to cut myself some slack, which I also have a hard time doing.

Most of the time, I think that H and I have made it this far, we'll make it all the way. But those doubts creep in every so often. And I just worry about how that would impact the kids at this point. So, that is mostly where my fear comes in. And it's not so much about H leaving that scares me. I don't think he would actually leave on his own again. But if he falls back into the OW trap again, then I would make him leave. SO I worry more about his ability to stay away from that destructive force.

I am basing this on a year and half of him having a VERY hard time cutting off ties with her. Everytime he was sure he didn't want her and he wanted to come home, he would not be strong enough to follow through. However, he has been acting much moer consistently lately and to my knowledge is not longer in contact with OW. He doesn't hide his cell phone anymore. He doesn't act sneaky anymore. We are getting along better and communicating better.

But I still worry and I still get suspicious. I need to work on this and I need to show him that I have faith in him.

I need to practice patience, patience, patience.

Wow... rambling again. Yikes, I don't get me going.

RJ and IA, thank you for your support. It has been very hard. Friday was such a horrible day. Yesterday was sad and hard. But I am working through my grief and sadness. I am allowing myself to feel. H hasn't been as supportive as I would have liked, but that's him. He deals much differently. He doesn't understand why I'm still so upset. We knew thsi was coming for a long time, yet it has hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was in hysterics the other night, he coudln't understand it. He is sad, too, but not like me.

I just explained to him that this is how I am dealing with this and I would appreciate it he could try to understand how I'm feeling rather than telling me I should't be feeling it. He said he understands and he is trying... but frankly I think he is uncomfortable when I get so upset. I said to him last night that I am having a harder time with this than I thought I would. He said he understood and that's okay. I am trying to recognize that he and I deal with things differently.