Well not too much going on lately. I've pulled back a bit, not out of anger or resentment but to focus on myself for a bit. Reading the codependency book has really pointed out a lot of my patterns that I've never noticed before and I'm taking some time to focus on these things. It's really made me realize how through this whole experience I've been afraid to focus on myself. I've kept trying to show her things can be different, that I can change, rather than just stepping back for a bit and work on myself. It still scares me that she'll see it as being further withdrawn or not caring, but the book really pointed out how important it is to do what I need to do and that I don't have to feel guilty or bad if W doesn't understand that. I see how for years I've put her first and done what I thought she wanted instead of really taking the time to figure out what I want and need. Not good for the R.
I've also realized how much I fall into the caretaker/victim role. Perfect example is housework. A recurring argument in our M is that I feel like I do most of the housework and she doesn't help me out enough. Yet the book pointed out how this pattern is one of me caretaking and doing it all for her, then getting upset and feeling like a victim because she doesn't appreciate me and takes advantage of it. Yet it's all me. I mean, even when we'd have these arguments I would go out of my way to get the laundry before she could, clean up before she got home, etc. I'd basically do it all so she wouldn't have to, and then I'd get mad at her for not helping out more. Messed up.
Things are a bit interesting right now because W is having stomach problems. We've both had our gall bladders removed, but she has been having more severe gall bladder type attacks over the past 6 months. She saw a GI doc a few weeks ago and he scheduled her for a ERCP because of this and the fact that her pancreas is tender, he thinks she may need to have some stints put in place to prevent spasms somewhere in there. The ERCP is basically an endoscope, except that they go down into the pancreas and look in the pancreatic ducts and measure pressures around there to try and figure out why she is still having pain.
The ERCP has a 7 - 10 % chance of causing pancreatitis, which is a horribly painful inflammation of the pancreas that can put you in the hospital for weeks, with no treatment available other than a constant morphine drip. And of course severe cases of pancreatitis can be fatal. So it's a diagnostic procedure, but there's probably around a 3% chance it could lead to severe pancreatitis and weeks of hospitalization, and somewhere around a 0.5% chance it could kill her. Rather scary and I know she's freaking out about it. It scares me too, but as I've been looking at my rescuing tendencides and my desire to be needed, I'm finding myself uncertain what I should do for her to support her and be there for her.
I also had an issue last week where she went in for an endoscope on friday. The EGD is much less riskier and not too big of a deal (I've had two of them). But, she never told me about it. On friday I got an email from her with the scanned results asking me to call her. I'm looking at the date on the scan and saying 'Wait, she had an EGD this morning?' Had that moment where I had to wonder if she told me and I just completely forgot, but no, she hadn't told me. So I called her and we talked about it. It showed barret's esophagus which is a change in tissue in the esophagus that can be a precursor to cancer. Yay! It's a low risk of cancer though, so not too big of a deal.
But anyway, in putting my new learning to the test I think I responded appropriately. I wasn't too thrilled she went in for this without telling me. It is conscious sedation and you leave drugged up and unable to drive and she had planned to take a cab home but ended up having a friend drive her home. I was a bit hurt she didn't ask me. But I let it go and dealt with it, and then I told her that I'd appreciate it if in the future if she'd let me know when something like this is going on. In the past I probably would have gotten pouty and angry, but I reminded myself of the need to just state what I need from her and let it go. I think I did good
She laster sent me an email apologizing for not telling me. She said it was for several reasons, none of which were really good enough. First she said it didn't seem like a big deal. And then she said it's her whole emotionally needy issues, that she doesn't want to lean on me that way as it doesn't seem fair. I'm not sure what to make of that. She's said throughout all of this that she thinks she's too needy and that's part of our problems, but she's never really talked about why she feels that way. I can't understand why telling your spouse about this would be being needy, or why it would be unfair. The best guess I've got is she feels that over the years she's been too needy and too dependent on me and that the reason we're separated and she's not telling me these things is because she feels like it's best to not rely on me for a bit to get over that.
But I don't know. From my perspective, you can't deal with neediness by just cutting people off. I mean sure, that keeps you from being dependent but it doesn't help you to learn how to be dependent in a healthy way. You really have to put yourself in those situations and monitor yourself, making different choices and reframing your needs. But I think this is back to the 'she has to figure it out on her own and it's not my place to sit here and tell her how to deal with it' situation...
In other news she did invite me to a company christmas party. It proved another example of my issues as I realized when she did that my first though was what she wants. Instead of first considering whether I wanted to go, I instead thought about whether she really wants me to go or if she just wants me to show up to keep up appearances for everyone at work, or because she'll feel guilty for not inviting me. I really need to remember that I have to do thigns for me and not worry about her motivations are.
Well, sent W an email this morning responding to her friday email about not telling me about her EGD because of the whole emotionally needy thing and not being fair to lean on me like that.
I kept it short as in the past I tend to write novels (yes, I'm sure everyone is shocked by this after reading my posts here). In short I said that I understand her feeling it's not a big deal and being scared about the upcoming hospitalization, but I didn't understand the emotionally needy part. I said that things like that make me feel like she's trying to push her out of her life and I don't want to assume that if it's not the case, and that it would mean a lot to me if she could explain the emoitionally needy thing and why she didn't feel she could lean on me.
Kept it short, didn't mention the fact that she's willing to lean on anyone but me, and just said that I've realized how much I just try and read signals and guess what she's thinking and I'm tired of doing that and I'd much rather just ask so I don't assume incorrect things. And I mentioned that if she feels it's unfair to lean on me about stuff like this, well, I'd rather be the judge of that.
Then I took a calculated risk. I finished saying that although I felt like I wasn't supposed to say it, I loved her and her upcoming procedures scared me, but I was sure everything would work out fine. Yeah yeah, I know no ILY's, but I threw it in with the not supposed to say it part to kind of jolt her a bit. Might have been stupid, I dunno.
This was kind of a last ditch effort at opening up some lines of communication. She hasn't said much to me these past few months about what she's thinking and feeling and I hate just guessing. I'm working on detaching and not worrying about it, but ideally if we could keep the lines of communication open that would help us. Unfortunately neither of us ever really shared our feelings and it's unlikely to start now, but you never know.
So far no response, email sent early this morning. If she doesn't respond, well, I tried and it's time to detach more.
Things have been strained lately. I had hoped a separation might take some of the tension away but not yet. Unfortunately we've spent a fair bit of time together and I'm wondering if going a bit dark is called for. Our interactions are ok but she seems to be so ticked off at every little thing I do. Makes it hard. I wonder if it would be more helpful for her to get over the resentment if I pull back more, or if I just stick in there and take it. For my own sanity I might need to pull back more for a while.
I'm also wondering if maybe a 180 would be standing up for myself more. When she snips at me I let it slide, keep on being happy and upbeat, try to joke or let it slide. In our M I've always sulked and been pouty about it. I've never really stood up to her though. I don't mean attack her and scream and get pissed off, but more the firm boundaries (i.e. I don't really appreciate the way you are treating me and I'd like you to be more respectful). It would certainly shock her I'm sure, but it might also just piss her off. Not sure... I also have a lot of work to do yet on me and I have a hard time knowing what my boundaries are and if she's really being rude or I'm just overly sensitive...
Have I mentioned how much this sucks?
Giving up seems so easy. I'm not there yet, but honestly I can't imagine doing this for several years. I need to get my butt in gear on my GAL plans and detaching. Maybe just going my own way for a while will be best for both of us, but seems like if I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind and she'll just drift further away and never think about coming back.
