WAW needs time & space & when ever we have been apart for the night or a few, she has "missed me". so I think I will try & back off completly...not be here while she is here...not engage her at all...only speak when spoken 2. I have read dr & am reading 5 languages of love...had 2 phone sessions (amazing) & have one more but not sure when to play that card....Its hard to be her friend & give her the space she needs..........
why im here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1247860&page=1#Post1247860 me 47 w 44 m 20 s 18 s 14 s 8 bomb dropped 10/8/07
seems the more I give her the time & space she asked for the better she is......spent all morning missng her but had a better afternoon...was reading through some old threads & read some good advice....think of what i was doing when she seemed happier...when the small goals were being met...I was backing off & letting her be...the more I back away the more comfortable she seems.....
why im here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1247860&page=1#Post1247860 me 47 w 44 m 20 s 18 s 14 s 8 bomb dropped 10/8/07
had a good therapy session last night...therapist let me know how WAW is codependant & has always put her own needs away to people please & how she drank & druged over that all her life. now that she is sober for the first time, realy sober ....& with the help of therapy she is alowing herself to feel her feelings...& she is confused & doesnt know who she realy is & what makes HER happy...she needs time & space to find herself & then maybe she will know what she wants to do...keep the family together or be on her own....so im in limbo....holding....I must stop looking to her to make me happy...I must get on with my life...find what makes me happy....I realy have alot to be grateful for....
why im here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1247860&page=1#Post1247860 me 47 w 44 m 20 s 18 s 14 s 8 bomb dropped 10/8/07
WAW & I planned to spend the night as a family ( we said fri night will be family night like it used to be) we were supposed to go to a christmas light show.......on the way she informs me that her office xmas party is next fri night & for some reason its way far away...like 1 1/2hr drive...(she works 45mins from home)...so she is going to stay with a friend...this girl or that girl she isnt even sure.....& not come home..........this upset me & I got quiet...when we got to the resturant on the way to the light show & took a walk to get myself together,pray & call a support person or two....she got mad cause i walked away for like 15mins....I said I was sorry but I was upset & fearful about her not coming home & needed to step away for a few....I said i feared she will want to be with someone else ..then i asked her if she wanted to be with someone else ...im sure im not DB very well.....se said she doesnt want to be with someone else YET....& that theres a chance we wont be back together...DUH!....as soon as we got home from the light show she split.... this sux..........HOW DO I LET HER GO????
why im here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1247860&page=1#Post1247860 me 47 w 44 m 20 s 18 s 14 s 8 bomb dropped 10/8/07
please help me........im lost as to what to do....
Last edited by lkyguy; 12/01/0710:50 AM.
why im here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1247860&page=1#Post1247860 me 47 w 44 m 20 s 18 s 14 s 8 bomb dropped 10/8/07
You need to detach yourself a lot more. I know it's hard, but when she told you about the Christmas party, you needed to suck it up and accept that is what she's doing. You aren't going to change her mind by telling her your fears. It's not attractive and it shows that you don't have trust in her to make good decisions.
You have two positives that I think you are seeing as negative. 1. She said that she doesn't want someone else yet. You're looking at this as a glass half empty and not a glass half full. There's still a chance for you. Make the most of it. Have you read The Five Love Languages? You should so that you know if you are showing your love for her in a way that she can understand it. 2. There's a chance that we won't be together. Well, then there's also a chance that you will. Same thing as the first point that I made. What are you going to do to make sure that you have this chance?
You also need to back off of the relationship/needy/pushy talk. There are places for you to vent your frustrations. Like here and to your counselor. Detach, detach, detach.
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
I can understand where you are coming from on this one lkyguy. I am in kind of the same limbo mode too right now. The more that I do not contact my waw the more she says that she "feels" better. She says that she only feels bad when she knows that she has to meet or talk to me (pretty hard to hear). We go to the same councelor though and he tells me that she comes in and it looks like she hasn't slept in three days. I wonder if they are really feeling better or if it is somewhat of a front. They also may be feeling better simply because they are not confronted with the guilt of leaving when they see us. Not sure. I am having trouble detaching also. I am trying. I have noticed lately that forcing myself to get out of the house to visit others and go places has helped a little. Good luck with detach and let us know how you are progressing.
ME-30 WAW-28 T-12yrs M-5yrs no kids Bomb 10/1/07 S-10/1/07
THANK YOU FOR YOUR responses....I must detach for sure & the only way I know how to do that is with anger. to ignore her...to go out when she is home & be home when she is out...stay in different rooms...last night I felt so bad & angry that I locked the bedroom door & when she tried to come up was forced to sleep on the couch....she sleeps there 1/2 the time anyway...she was nun to happy...said she was embarrassed...f%@k her.... BUT this will not bring me closer to my goal...I have to be happy & understanding & give her the time & space she asked for...so she can go out & sleep at a "friends" & know i'll be home taking care of things & I will be here when ever she decides if her new life/friends are what she wants or keeping our M & family together....its so unfair....
why im here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1247860&page=1#Post1247860 me 47 w 44 m 20 s 18 s 14 s 8 bomb dropped 10/8/07
My sister is so angry with WAW she says I should wake up & smell the coffee...that WAW has to have another & she wants to follow her & watch where she goes & what she does...so that she will know for sure...my therapist says wife just needs time to figure out who she is & what makes HER happy(he only knows of her through my words)....sure would make a big dif for me if she was sneaking off to be with OM like I sometimes suspect. sometimes I feel so pathetic just waiting for her to decide my future...& she knows it...I know I cant "bluff" her because she already decided not to be with me anymore...but sometimes I wish she would just leave already......does anyone have advice on how to detach?...what to do & not do?...I know each sitch is different but I need some kind of help.....anyone?
why im here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1247860&page=1#Post1247860 me 47 w 44 m 20 s 18 s 14 s 8 bomb dropped 10/8/07
lkyguy, I read most of the posts and the similarities are obvious. I have also felt like telling her to f off on numerous occasions. How do you detach? I am no expert, however, if we go out when wife is home only to prove a point or what not, I don't think we are doing ourselves any good. We need to take that time and actually do something with it. I know it is extremely difficult and I can not do it either. My sister also has told me to walk...get out of the house...let her have the burden of the house and the kids and her job...give her a wake up call. I have not been able to do it. As far as an affair is concerned, I too have had the same thoughts. If I would find out this is happening than it would put an end to all this (or so I think). I tell you what that blackberry sure doesn't leave her side even during the night. I guess it is better that way.
