I"m in agony here...

[saffie]

bombadier,

You sound like a truly loving and compassionate H. I am sure your W is not doing this on purpose and knowing that it is causing you hurt and pain as well will only be making it harder for her. From what you say I do not believe your W is having an A. The fact that her sister went through this too makes me think it is very biological.

It's just an idea, (and I can't remember if I have said this to you before), but why not try saying to her that you have a ban on full intercourse until SHE is ready to intitiate . Until then you would like to show your love for one another just by cuddling and being physically close - by doing things together that make you laugh and remember why you love each other so much - revisit some good times from memory lane.

I suppose I sort of liken it in my head to what you would do if you gave birth to a healthy child. You love them and nurture them and do all you can for them. If then for any reason - be it at accident or illness - they became handicapped and could no longer function properly you wouldn't dump them - you would find a new way of interacting and you would continue to nurture and love them.

I think what is happeneing with your W is the same, but the big plus in your sitch is that this should not be a permanenet state of affairs. I recommend you read as much as you can about the female menopause and educate yourself so that you can empathise. Your W may not want to discuss any of it and you have to respect that but it will give you much more of an idea of what you are dealing with and the time scales involved.

Ultimately your W may need to seek medical help but she has to do it for her. I know it is so very hard for you - I really appreciate that - but when one is scared and finds it embarrasing to maybe talk to others about these things one has to reach a certain level of desperation before being able to seek help.

Into all of this you have to add into the mix that for her the menopause takes away part of her biological reason for existing. OK, she probably didn't want anymore children, but there is a massive difference between not wanting something and not being able to have something. Also it is the next step for a woman in the ageing process. It is a very complex matter. And like many of these female hormone based behaviours that go on in a females life, the poor male has to stand on the side line and watch with helplessness.

You take care - you sound a good, kind man.

(As an aside, my H once said to me jokingly, it would be much cheaper to just go and buy himself an upmarket sex doll - she would never say no, always be available, and wouldn't try maxing out his credit card!!!!! My answer was that she wouldn't know when to make the appropriate ohh's and aah's and moans and groans - nothing makes up for that!!!!!). Plus she wouldn't laugh at his lame jokes.

Saffie