New to this BB but old school DBer kickin' it over here now to get some support. The rule about not snooping kept me blissfully ignorant through a year of separation. H has PTSD so I chalked my destroyed world up to that and hoped that soon he would be ready for getting back together by now. Well, snooping around was not my intention but I found a printed email between H and OW in the printer as I was leaving his apartment (I was preparing the turkey for our dinner the next day...Yeah, that's right, Thankgiving eve...nice huh?!).
Although it has only been about a week ago, I feel a sense of relief having some confirmation for my suspicions. My sitch is such that when I confronted H that evening, he fessed up and told me that he had no excuses but was sorry he disappointed and hurt me. He said he was wanting to talk about D after the holidays. I was so completely devestated, as we all would be or have been I am sure. After telling H that I wanted to keep my last name and our cat, I told him a little story that seemed to be not worth much at the time but I felt like getting it out:
"You know that I have known about OW since the first day I confronted you about the cell phone bill and you said she was just 'a friend'. I chose to trust you and now I am getting burned, this sucks! It is funny because we could have been done with this a long time ago had you just been honest. In the beginning of our separation, my counselor asked me if I could forgive you should it ever come out that you were unfaithful and when I blurted out 'yes' I began to cry. I always thought my gut reaction would be opposite and I could just walk away, but when she asked I did not hesitate before answering a firm 'YES'."
After that tidbit of information, H halted all D discusssion and stated that the fear of my never forgiving him stopped him from imagining "our" future as he didn't think I could forgive him for the affair. H then said that hearing that I could forgive made him want to try working on the M with me. Now I have so many questions but I know when I ask him, I won't believe him. H gave me permission to snoop and check up on him..."anything that will ease my mind" H says, but I feel crazy doing that. When anxiety bubbles up I am supposed to call H and talk it out...is that healthy?
If anybody has suggestions about the questions to stay away from and how to make myself feel better and more secure about the affair being done, while still DBing, I am all ears...we are still separated but seeing each other a lot more since about August of this year. That was another issue because things seemed to be on a major upswing but all the while H was thinking "D in '08 or Bust" because he didn't think I could forgive an infidelity...OY and I thought Combat PTSD was my only emotionally difficult issue to take on!
