I haven’t posted in some time, so I thought I would get back on the boards and journal and try to give advice when I can. Here is a little recap of my sitch for those of you that don’t know.
Late June my W started going out to clubs and then started going out alone. Thought it was weird but she is a very independent person and I didn’t think to much of it. She said she was basically going out to get a drink, to unwind. One night she doesn’t come home until 3 am. I’m not happy, but didn’t make a big deal out of it. The next night at dinner, she keeps pushing until dinner is ruined. We walk out mid dinner and that night have a pretty good fight. The next day at work in a meeting she keeps calling so I take it and she tells me she is leaving. I kindly excuse myself and try to talk to her but it’s done. The next day she leaves and moves out.
Over the next month I cry and beg, can’t eat and drop almost 40 lbs. Mind you I’m 6’2”, but rather skinny to begin with, so I didn’t have the weight to lose to begin with. I find out W is having a PA and it started that last night at the bar. I’m totally destroyed and can’t even work. W becomes very cold and cruel and it becomes overwhelming to deal with. Our S starts to show signs of problems, and when I tell W she thinks I’m manipulating the situation.
Started to DB and really get a grasp of what was working and not working. Read DR, DB, the 5LL, Gotman, anything I could get my hands on. While I kept DB’ing I started to detach and pull away. Then eventually after not seeing the results I was looking for, I switched to the LRT. This actually helped me a ton, and really remove myself from the sitch. Then one day after my W expressed some concerns and possibilities, I was totally sucked back in. Of course she rejected and I died inside. Went home and got drunker then I ever think I have. Started making idiot calls to W, and she ended up calling my parents. Woke the next day at their place and had some explaining to do. After that the LRT was permanently in place for my sanity.
After this lovely incident W filed for D, hired a real idiot, but she thought he was a bull dog. Tried to mediate but she said she was taking me for everything I was worth. Her papers where scathing and said some horrible things. It went slow for the next couple of months and then we had a temporary hearing set to have the commissioner make a recommendation to the judge and decide our orders during the pending of the D. I asked W to meet on the Friday after Thanksgiving. She ended up not showing.
I decided to attempt Black Friday, way out of my character, and get some X-mas shopping done. Well W calls, she is upset and crying and wants to meet to talk terms so the hearing won’t take place. I tell her she had her chance. W calls Saturday and I let it go to VM and again she wants to meet to discuss terms. W calls Sunday and I answer, she is crying and wants to meet to discuss terms. Reluctantly I decide I better, because if tomorrow she tells the Court I wouldn't meet it will look bad.
I arrive at her house, she seems alright. We get S down for his nap and I lay out the laptop and the papers, all business. I start in with number one, child custody, she just breaks down right there. Says she wants me back, she wants her H and family back. She wants to move home when the time is right. She confesses a lot, the A and then some. She isn’t doing well and we talk for probably 6 hours. She explains that I was never a bad H and that she has trumped up the charges against me to her family to make herself look better. She lays it all out on the table, asks to go the MC and Routrovaille, etc…whatever it takes to make it right.
It is now 6pm Sunday night and our hearing is 9am tomorrow morning. She says can’t we just call the court and cancel. I explain it is a little late for that. What we have to do is go to court, she tells her lawyer prior to the hearing that she wants to dismiss the case, and he will tell the judge at calendar call. At this point she calls her sister who is in from out of town, gives her directions to the court, and states that she is so happy we are going to work things out. Her sister wigs out and states “Don’t you know how much mother has spent on this.” My W is struggling financially, not sure why, but I have helped her out and so has her family. Well MIL has spent over $6k up to this point on her attorney. That is a huge ripoff for lawyer fees in our state. They end the call and W is no unsure. Thinks she is making a rash decision. I’m furious inside, but don’t show it. I explain that tomorrow she can dismiss or have the hearing and then I will know where we stand.
Next morning she and her sister show. She looks at me and nods her head and smiles, in our own little nonverbal language to say it’s OK. Her sister even talks to me and we have a little convo. Well her attorney shows, he is a real picture. Not to offend anyone, but the ponytail bald guy thing has to go. Looks like an idiot is a cheap suit.
So we conference prior to the hearing at her lawyer’s request, which turns out to be rather funny since he won’t negotiate on anything. My poor W sits there the whole time just staring at me with tears. Horrible. When my lawyer realizes that he won’t negotiate he gets pissed and is yelling at her attorney about wasting his, the commissioner’s time, etc. Right then I say stop, look at her and say “W, stop this, it’s your choice.” She just sits there and says nothing. So her attorney says alright lets go argue it.
Well she is asking for more money in alimony then I make net in a month. She is asking for sole custody and another 800 for that. She wants to sell the house, which we bought 21 days before she left. Well her attorney is very well known as a loser and has a very bad reputation, not sure how she found him, and she just believed he was the best in town. After arguments the Commissioner says she is going to chambers to make her decision. She returns, and I win on every single point. The only thing I gave up was I agreed prior to a child custody evaluation, we thought it would look good to the judge and she was asking for it. Well all she gets is $179 a month in child support since she has him 4 days a week and I have him 3.
Then she waits for me in the lobby, has our S there. She is looking at me like she wants to say something but doesn’t. I hug my S for a few minutes and kiss him. She calls on her way home and can’t talk. Later that night I call and check on her and she is dazed. Says she got raped in Court, and now feels horrible because she lost her H, family and home. Says she wished she never listed to her sister.
We have talked almost every night this week since. She is pretty distraught and can’t decide what to do now. I’m obeying the orders and so have decided on a child custody evaluator. She fired her attorney and so her mother has cut her off financially. Well now she is upset because she wants to cancel the child custody evaluation and it’s too late. I told her she had to figure something out because she asked for it and it is now part of the order. Problem is it will be a couple k for each of us and she doesn't have it. I said the only way around not doing it is to dismiss the case, which she says she wants to do, but can’t.
She can’t because she thinks she is trash now, and I deserve someone better. I have said she isn’t and I think I should be the one that gets to choose whether or not to try if she is willing.
Her mother is bipolar and her sister was just diagnosed. I really think my W may be as well, probably Hypo bipolar, not to extreme. But her mood just swings way too much.
W is actually coming over tonight, we are going to get a tree and decorate with our S. No expectations on my part I know how it goes. I’ve been here long enough.
THE PLAN:
I don’t believe there is enough time before the divorce will be final, sometime in January or February, for her to show real lasting changes that I can rely upon. I have way too good of a thing going in the D financially, and so I’m planning on continuing with it, even if she wants to dismiss. If she really cares and changes her mind, she will realize that one is only the legal marriage and not the emotional. After that we can work on her moving back and living unmarried for a while until we are ready. I just don’t think I can give up my financial hand, it is too strong.
So my hope is that she comes back, I’m going to work on separating the divorce from the marriage. Haha, what does that mean? She is starting to feel comfortable around me, last night at pick up she was going to dinner with her mom and was changing every 30 seconds, you ladies are funny. Few times walked out with her shirt undone and such. Damn I miss that. I love watching the girl habits.
Well if you read this far give yourself a treat. Thanks and I appreciate any comments, advice or 2x4's.
