The End or Just a Begining?

[Atlas]

I haven’t posted in some time, so I thought I would get back on the boards and journal and try to give advice when I can. Here is a little recap of my sitch for those of you that don’t know.

Late June my W started going out to clubs and then started going out alone. Thought it was weird but she is a very independent person and I didn’t think to much of it. She said she was basically going out to get a drink, to unwind. One night she doesn’t come home until 3 am. I’m not happy, but didn’t make a big deal out of it. The next night at dinner, she keeps pushing until dinner is ruined. We walk out mid dinner and that night have a pretty good fight. The next day at work in a meeting she keeps calling so I take it and she tells me she is leaving. I kindly excuse myself and try to talk to her but it’s done. The next day she leaves and moves out.

Over the next month I cry and beg, can’t eat and drop almost 40 lbs. Mind you I’m 6’2”, but rather skinny to begin with, so I didn’t have the weight to lose to begin with. I find out W is having a PA and it started that last night at the bar. I’m totally destroyed and can’t even work. W becomes very cold and cruel and it becomes overwhelming to deal with. Our S starts to show signs of problems, and when I tell W she thinks I’m manipulating the situation.

Started to DB and really get a grasp of what was working and not working. Read DR, DB, the 5LL, Gotman, anything I could get my hands on. While I kept DB’ing I started to detach and pull away. Then eventually after not seeing the results I was looking for, I switched to the LRT. This actually helped me a ton, and really remove myself from the sitch. Then one day after my W expressed some concerns and possibilities, I was totally sucked back in. Of course she rejected and I died inside. Went home and got drunker then I ever think I have. Started making idiot calls to W, and she ended up calling my parents. Woke the next day at their place and had some explaining to do. After that the LRT was permanently in place for my sanity.

After this lovely incident W filed for D, hired a real idiot, but she thought he was a bull dog. Tried to mediate but she said she was taking me for everything I was worth. Her papers where scathing and said some horrible things. It went slow for the next couple of months and then we had a temporary hearing set to have the commissioner make a recommendation to the judge and decide our orders during the pending of the D. I asked W to meet on the Friday after Thanksgiving. She ended up not showing.

I decided to attempt Black Friday, way out of my character, and get some X-mas shopping done. Well W calls, she is upset and crying and wants to meet to talk terms so the hearing won’t take place. I tell her she had her chance. W calls Saturday and I let it go to VM and again she wants to meet to discuss terms. W calls Sunday and I answer, she is crying and wants to meet to discuss terms. Reluctantly I decide I better, because if tomorrow she tells the Court I wouldn't meet it will look bad.

I arrive at her house, she seems alright. We get S down for his nap and I lay out the laptop and the papers, all business. I start in with number one, child custody, she just breaks down right there. Says she wants me back, she wants her H and family back. She wants to move home when the time is right. She confesses a lot, the A and then some. She isn’t doing well and we talk for probably 6 hours. She explains that I was never a bad H and that she has trumped up the charges against me to her family to make herself look better. She lays it all out on the table, asks to go the MC and Routrovaille, etc…whatever it takes to make it right.

It is now 6pm Sunday night and our hearing is 9am tomorrow morning. She says can’t we just call the court and cancel. I explain it is a little late for that. What we have to do is go to court, she tells her lawyer prior to the hearing that she wants to dismiss the case, and he will tell the judge at calendar call. At this point she calls her sister who is in from out of town, gives her directions to the court, and states that she is so happy we are going to work things out. Her sister wigs out and states “Don’t you know how much mother has spent on this.” My W is struggling financially, not sure why, but I have helped her out and so has her family. Well MIL has spent over $6k up to this point on her attorney. That is a huge ripoff for lawyer fees in our state. They end the call and W is no unsure. Thinks she is making a rash decision. I’m furious inside, but don’t show it. I explain that tomorrow she can dismiss or have the hearing and then I will know where we stand.

Next morning she and her sister show. She looks at me and nods her head and smiles, in our own little nonverbal language to say it’s OK. Her sister even talks to me and we have a little convo. Well her attorney shows, he is a real picture. Not to offend anyone, but the ponytail bald guy thing has to go. Looks like an idiot is a cheap suit.

So we conference prior to the hearing at her lawyer’s request, which turns out to be rather funny since he won’t negotiate on anything. My poor W sits there the whole time just staring at me with tears. Horrible. When my lawyer realizes that he won’t negotiate he gets pissed and is yelling at her attorney about wasting his, the commissioner’s time, etc. Right then I say stop, look at her and say “W, stop this, it’s your choice.” She just sits there and says nothing. So her attorney says alright lets go argue it.

Well she is asking for more money in alimony then I make net in a month. She is asking for sole custody and another 800 for that. She wants to sell the house, which we bought 21 days before she left. Well her attorney is very well known as a loser and has a very bad reputation, not sure how she found him, and she just believed he was the best in town. After arguments the Commissioner says she is going to chambers to make her decision. She returns, and I win on every single point. The only thing I gave up was I agreed prior to a child custody evaluation, we thought it would look good to the judge and she was asking for it. Well all she gets is $179 a month in child support since she has him 4 days a week and I have him 3.

Then she waits for me in the lobby, has our S there. She is looking at me like she wants to say something but doesn’t. I hug my S for a few minutes and kiss him. She calls on her way home and can’t talk. Later that night I call and check on her and she is dazed. Says she got raped in Court, and now feels horrible because she lost her H, family and home. Says she wished she never listed to her sister.

We have talked almost every night this week since. She is pretty distraught and can’t decide what to do now. I’m obeying the orders and so have decided on a child custody evaluator. She fired her attorney and so her mother has cut her off financially. Well now she is upset because she wants to cancel the child custody evaluation and it’s too late. I told her she had to figure something out because she asked for it and it is now part of the order. Problem is it will be a couple k for each of us and she doesn't have it. I said the only way around not doing it is to dismiss the case, which she says she wants to do, but can’t.

She can’t because she thinks she is trash now, and I deserve someone better. I have said she isn’t and I think I should be the one that gets to choose whether or not to try if she is willing.

Her mother is bipolar and her sister was just diagnosed. I really think my W may be as well, probably Hypo bipolar, not to extreme. But her mood just swings way too much.

W is actually coming over tonight, we are going to get a tree and decorate with our S. No expectations on my part I know how it goes. I’ve been here long enough.

THE PLAN:

I don’t believe there is enough time before the divorce will be final, sometime in January or February, for her to show real lasting changes that I can rely upon. I have way too good of a thing going in the D financially, and so I’m planning on continuing with it, even if she wants to dismiss. If she really cares and changes her mind, she will realize that one is only the legal marriage and not the emotional. After that we can work on her moving back and living unmarried for a while until we are ready. I just don’t think I can give up my financial hand, it is too strong.

So my hope is that she comes back, I’m going to work on separating the divorce from the marriage. Haha, what does that mean? She is starting to feel comfortable around me, last night at pick up she was going to dinner with her mom and was changing every 30 seconds, you ladies are funny. Few times walked out with her shirt undone and such. Damn I miss that. I love watching the girl habits.

Well if you read this far give yourself a treat. Thanks and I appreciate any comments, advice or 2x4's.

[nephartiti]

Wow, Atlas. You have been through the wringer. You are between a rock and a hard place. It appears that your W is as well.

After everything, I can understand you being cautious and uncertain. It sounds like you have thought everything out and are making a sound decision. It kind of sucks about all that money wasted, though.

I'm pulling for your family. You will be in my prayers.

[WAS32]

You have quite the story to tell. I hope you and your W can get back to the emotional M that you are looking for. It seems like that is the direction you are headed.


Me:32
H:34
T:12 years
M:almost 5 (Valentines is our anniversary)
Seperated:03/09/07 (but working on it)
New Seperation: 27/11/07

[Gone Dancin']

A few thoughts (Note: the following interjections contain a tremendous amount of sarcasm):

at work in a meeting she keeps calling so I take it and she tells me she is leaving.

then...

Then one day after my W expressed some concerns and possibilities, I was totally sucked back in.

followed by...

Of course she rejected and I died inside.

and...

Tried to mediate but she said she was taking me for everything I was worth. Her papers where scathing and said some horrible things.

Next...

I asked W to meet on the Friday after Thanksgiving. She ended up not showing.

then...

Well W calls, she is upset and crying and wants to meet to talk terms so the hearing won’t take place.

Exhausted yet? I sure am!

I start in with number one, child custody, she just breaks down right there. Says she wants me back, she wants her H and family back. She wants to move home when the time is right.

and

It is now 6pm Sunday night and our hearing is 9am tomorrow morning. She says can’t we just call the court and cancel.

Well! Sounds like you're going to live happily ever after, right?

At this point she calls her sister who is in from out of town, gives her directions to the court, and states that she is so happy we are going to work things out. Her sister wigs out and states “Don’t you know how much mother has spent on this.” [...] end the call and W is no unsure. Thinks she is making a rash decision.

Oh man! Didn't see that coming, did we? (insert saracasm)

Next morning she and her sister show. She looks at me and nods her head and smiles, in our own little nonverbal language to say it’s OK.

Then it must be okay, I'm sure!

So we conference prior to the hearing at her lawyer’s request, which turns out to be rather funny since he won’t negotiate on anything. My poor W sits there the whole time just staring at me with tears.[...] then I say stop, look at her and say “W, stop this, it’s your choice.” She just sits there and says nothing. So her attorney says alright lets go argue it.

And I was so sure W was gonna dismiss the case!

Well she is asking for more money in alimony then I make net in a month. She is asking for sole custody and another 800 for that. She wants to sell the house, which we bought 21 days before she left.

Wow! Didn't think this was gonna happen at all!

After arguments the Commissioner says she is going to chambers to make her decision. She returns, and I win on every single point.

Thank God for small wonders! Bless that Commissioner's stable and sensible heart!

Later that night I call and check on her and she is dazed. Says she got raped in Court, and now feels horrible because she lost her H, family and home. Says she wished she never listened to her sister.

Now, in all seriousness: You know that this is because she lost in court -- not because she loves you -- right? Would she be saying this if she won on every point? Sadly, methinks we both know the answer.

We have talked almost every night this week since. She is pretty distraught and can’t decide what to do now.

I thought she just said she wishes she had never listened to her sister? What's to decide? Can't she make a decision and stick with it for more than 24 hrs!? Oh yeah, we both know that answer to this question too!

I said the only way around not doing it is to dismiss the case, which she says she wants to do, but can’t.

Sure she can -- but she can't think for herself, therefore she won't dismiss it. (Oh, but I thought she wanted her H and her family back, right? What BS!)

Her mother is bipolar and her sister was just diagnosed. I really think my W may be as well, probably Hypo bipolar, not to extreme.

She seems pretty freakin' extreme to me, Atlas.

But her mood just swings way too much.

My friend, THAT is the understatement of the millenium.

W is actually coming over tonight, we are going to get a tree and decorate with our S. No expectations on my part I know how it goes. I’ve been here long enough.

I certainly hope so, Atlas. I certainly hope so.

I don’t believe there is enough time before the divorce will be final, sometime in January or February, for her to show real lasting changes that I can rely upon. I have way too good of a thing going in the D financially, and so I’m planning on continuing with it, even if she wants to dismiss.

Can a brotha get an AMEN! up in here?

If she really cares and changes her mind, she will realize that one is only the legal marriage and not the emotional. After that we can work on her moving back and living unmarried for a while until we are ready. I just don’t think I can give up my financial hand, it is too strong.

Knowing your history with your W, I think this is a very wise and responsible thing for you to do -- just stick to it. If W truly loves you, she will understand and do whatever it takes on her end to make things right (this being one of them).


Now, sarcasm and 2x4s aside, I think there is still hope for you and your M, but your W has so much work to do ON HERSELF that I think you're looking at a looooooooooong road back to reconciliation. For the last X amount of months, your W has done more back and forth/up and down motion than a yo-yo during a yo-yo pro competition. IMPO (and it's just my O), your W will have to be consistent with her reconciliation efforts and efforts on herself for AT LEAST DOUBLE the time that she has spent jerking you back and forth. I seriously hope you stick to your guns and protect yourself, Atlas -- financially, emotionally, psychologically, etc. Don't let your W come back before the personal work has been done. If she can't accept such a situation, then she doesn't deserve you back (heck, I don't think she even deserves your consideration NOW!)

Just my two cents, but I think others who know you and yours sitch would/will agree with me, with maybe some very slight variation.

Good luck, Atlas -- my D is final in 6 days. And honestly, I wish it were today! I'm done, and just want this to be over with so I can close the book on this final chapter.

GD

[SirPrizeMe]

Stay strong Atlas.
You're doing the right thing by keeping your distance.

GD is right, she needs to work on herself before coming back to you.

stay well.

[Atlas]

GD, I love ya man. Your thought process is so clear to me when I see it reflected back. Seriously keep those 2x4's coming, I need all of them. I wrote up my journal below prior to reading your post, so take it for what it's worth.

Before I begin, honestly I'm not really down about much anymore, I just don't fight. I don't care to, I feel to good about myself and the possibilities out there. Be it a M with my W again, or a date with that Doc, or that cute secretary at work. But I can use the advice, I feel like such a novice DB'er. It's so simple to see it in someone elses sitch, you don't think clearly in your own. So here is the juice:

IF YOU SNOOP OR ARE TEMPTED READ THIS!!!

Tonight W and I were going to get a X-mass tree, and decorate with our S. Her idea. Well 6pm comes and goes, and she doesn’t show. So I pack up S and head out to get our tree. I didn’t have expectations and wasn’t disappointed. Have gotten used to that.

No more than 2 minutes after leaving the house W calls. She isn’t coming, says she feels down and is going to stay in. Then she hits me with a huge positive step, she asks if after we get the tree, would S and I come by and we could get him down and watch a movie. Um YAAA! Well, this is the first time I have been “invited” to her apartment for anything since she left. FIRST TIME!

After acquiring a tree we arrive at W’s place. Knock, knock, no answer. Check to see if her car is there and it is. Call her phone, no answer. So I check the door and it is open, W is showering and I tell S to go tell Mommy we are here.

Now I snooped early on, that’s how I found out about the A. But I quickly got it under control. Haven’t snooped for months, MONTHS. Well we walk in and there is her phone. Now she told me last Sunday that her A was over, she was done with him, and she asked to get back together, but then backed out. Read above.

There was no thought process, I just picked it up and got to the in box. Sure as could be there is the OM’s text, “I luv u, have a gd night.” Right then I look up and guess who is standing there dripping wet in a towel. I don’t even know what to say. She takes it and goes back to the bathroom.

She comes back and begins to berate me for snooping and invading her privacy. Luckily through DB, I kept my mouth shut at this point. Inside I’m fuming and thinking, screw you, your having an A still and lying to me. But all I do is apologize for it and say it was a poor decision and I shouldn’t have invaded her privacy. Then she drops the bomb.

“I know right now your sitting there thinking she is having the affair who the hell is she to tell me I’m wrong.” She wips out of the phone, goes to the outbox, and shows her responses. They are all about take a hike, we are done, I want to save my marriage, etc. Then she says I didn’t lie when I told you it was done, and now he shows up here when I get off work and yells at me until I get into my apartment. Says he is crazy. I ask if she needs help and she says no, but he is so mean I look like a pussycat to any fit I’ve ever thrown.

She goes silent for a while, I ask if she wants me to leave and she says no. Eventually she softens and we talk and watch TV. She asked earlier this week for His Needs Her Needs, and she said she read Michell’s article about infidelity, I put that and few others in the book, and said she thinks there may be something but how. She says she doesn’t want to talk about it now tonight after what I did.

We end up having as good a night as you can after that. She texted her girlfriend to come over said she needed to talk. So I said I would get out of her hair and S and I left. I apologized again, and she forgave me. Gave me a sorta hug at the door. I couldn’t help but ask, and said what would have happened if I didn’t do that tonight. I get the sexy shrug of I don’t know.

So if there is a Darwin award for DB’er’s I’m pretty sure I’m in the running for December, possibly all of 2007. Two feelings right now, wow she is thinking about it, you’re an idiot and just shot yourself. I guess we will see.

[Kld]

Hey its been a while and it sounds like a lot has happened in your sitch, and for the most part I think its good. My advice would be take it slow, but always remember at the end of all this you have to live with the decision, not us so be true to yourself do what is right for you and your faimly not us. As for me I would take any chance even a slite one to save M.

[nephartiti]

If W has nothing to hide, then she will understand your suspicions. It sounds like she did, and she was up front and showed you her responses. You are human. You are willing to forgive her for her A. She can forgive you for looking at her phone. Don't beat yourself up, Atlas. Just get back on that horse. Give S2 a great big hug too.

[Atlas]

Went and dropped S off to W on Sunday and she asked me in. I put S down for his nap, and we proceeded to just chit chat and hang out. Sat and watched her do her make-up and hair. Funny how those little things mean so much now.

W brought up the status of our D and R. We talked for probably an hour and I explained to her that I was unwilling to do much of anything until we saw a MC and go to Routro. Unfortunetly, we don't have the program locally so we will have to fly and it wouldn't be until later. So I explained to W that we need to seperate the D from the R, and they are two seperate things. She also just wants to settle the D and sign for what she has now instead of drawing out the process.

We talked a little about His Needs Her Needs, choosing a MC, etc...But will see if there is any action.

Then I sat on the couch watched football and we had a pleasent afternoon together. She says she wants to come see the X-mas tree and so may come by tonight. Sorta weird to have around all the time now.

I can still tell she is very anxious around me, so I have to work on the comfort for her. Also she is horribly guilt ridden about the A, I honestly don't know if she can get over it. That will be the big roadblock.

So we are hanging out, some hugs and little kisses at departure. She hasn't touched me and her nonverbal ques show a lot of defense.

I really don't know if this can get much weirder. We're getting a D and possibly back together. PMA is good, and it's not tied to her, so I keep with no expectations and then I'm not let down. Job is well and life is good.

[Heimlich]

Atlas, I've got nothing for you but, I told you so

Looking back at how I behaved toward my W and the A, I didn't really understand how guilty she felt. If I had, things might've gone differently. You're off of the blame game, so that's great.

As GD said, slow and steady.

BD