Yeah, you are doing the right thing. No outgoing emails, unless really needed, like if they concern your kids or something. Replies are brief and pleasant.
Think of her time away as her cooling off period. Her return is a chance for you to start again with a cleaner, sort of de-pressurized slate. Read DB more than once while she is gone.
...My wife told me once, "I (she) stay out late or sleep at friends homes because I know, as soon as I come home, it's gonna start all over again."
I would guess your wife is happy to be away. You gotta make her be happy, or at least not regrettful to have come home.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
It has been sort of a tough week with W out....we have gone back and forth on a couple very brief emails, but clearly she's not missing being her. That's a hard reality for me. This is tough emotionally. I dont feel it's bothering her one bit. It seems she's over me. I believe she even had her sister call her last night to check up on the kids. That pissed me off and I was pretty short with her sister. Anyway, she gets home Saturday. I think by the way the week has been very quiet, I'm sure this weekend will be quiet too. Doing my best to not intrude or ask questions on what she's up to. If she wants to tell me, I guess she will. I'm still really concerned with EA and OM. That bothers me bigtime. I'm trying to stay busy, but it's really consuming me that I'm in this situation.
but clearly she's not missing being her. That's a hard reality for me
She's not. She is only concerned about herself right now, so you only be concerned about you are doing not what she is doing.
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This is tough emotionally. I dont feel it's bothering her one bit. It seems she's over me.
It is VERY tough. But you have no idea what she is thinking. You are not a mind reader. Worry about you, not her.
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Doing my best to not intrude or ask questions on what she's up to
Good! Don't worry about HER! That's what db is...you are patiently waiting until SHE wants to talk. Do some waiting, some more waiting and more waiting...It can be long and tedious...be prepared for that.
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I'm still really concerned with EA and OM. That bothers me bigtime. I'm trying to stay busy, but it's really consuming me that I'm in this situation.
Stop THIS. The EA and OM are a SYMPTOM of the problems in your marriage, not the cause. Read that again. Work on YOU and how you can better fulfill YOURSELF to be that strong person she married and was attracted too. She will find your neediness unattractive and not worthy of her time.
Be patient my friend. You say you are keeping busy, but I say find more to do! You are not busy enough if you still have lots of time to stew over this. I'm not saying you won't think about it everyday and some days it will be worse, but retrain your brain to remember WHY you are here and WHAT you can do to keep it moving.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I'm probably not busy enough if I havw time to spend here and have her own my mind. I guess its the teetertotter effect where my want for her is pushing that plank to the ground. I need to show less neediness and lust for her so her side will move down a little, and mine up a little.
Well, true, we spend too much time on here but it is also good to not feel so alone. Find stories that match yours, help other people and you will begin to db like never before.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
well here's a surprise. I was gone this morning and returned to the house and my w was there. she had returned 1 day early from being overseas. we were going to pick her up as a family at the airport tomorrow morning. but..no emal or anything that she was coming home. she said she didn't have time to do it...but..she had plenty of time to email her sister that she was coming and to pick her up. this is a bummer to me bcause it really means me and the kids, or specifically me are not on her mind. I was also bummed to not get a hug when I aw her. she only emailed a couple times while she as gone. but, good news was she totally nuded up in front of me to get in the shower. I was surprised about that and much appreciated. maybe that's a baby step, but I doubt it.
she had wanted to know where I was, and who decorated the house(i got out xmas decorations). I told her I was leaving and would see you later. she wanted to know where I was going and I told her to lunch with friends. I also told her that me and the kids were going to a movie tonight and she was welcome to come. said she would probably be sleeping.
anyway...my thoughts about all this is I need to start pulling back a lot more, because she seems to have really done that.
Hang in there. I'd just about kill for some real, live nudity at this point. Regardless of if it meant anything or not, nakedness is always a good thing.
Good for you on saying what your plans were -- lunch, movie with kids and then just going.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Last night was sort of interesting...I made dinner for the family and she did xmas decorations. She drilled a bottle of wine by 8pm. Then starting diggin in one of our big storage closets and decided to clean that out. I thought that was rather strange. If she's leaving in Jan, why start cleaning closets? Then, she headed over to our D'd neighbors house. This woman is a bad example and wish she had nothing to do with her. She bailed on her husband because he was never around. Now she's never around and her kids spend all their time with a nanny. She's either away for work or out with her new boyfriend. In fact, just before the bomb, my W just couldnt stop talking about her to me and our friends about what a bad person she was. Now they are inseperable. I think this woman is making my W feel that it's o.k. to D. When she D'd, she moved in right behind us. I think she has certain motives here.
She was over there quite awhile and my S was with her. At 10:45pm, I texted her to send my S home so he could go to bed. He doesnt sleep in ever and had a Bball game today. No response and they came home around 11:30. She wouldnt talk to me..so I had to read her mind that she was pissed at me about something. Turns out she took the text as an insinuation that she was a bad parent and unable to make good decisions for her kids. It then got to the point where she thinks I'm now 'competing' with her on the kids, by doing things with them I hadnt done much of before. Such as going to movies, dinners, etc. I also bought a homemade ginger bread house for my daughter and me to put together...well my W and her did that while I was out on Sat. Nice. I dont really feel like I'm trying to compete, just doing stuff with my kids other than sit around the house. She said she would have done something with kids on Friday night, but I took them to the movies. She came home from overseas one day early and never told us she was coming. She was in the house when I got home on Friday. So, we had plans to go to a movie. I invited her but she said she was too tired. Well she was awake when we got home from movie.
She said she wants to do things with the kids too, but feels like I'm not letting her. This is totally not true. I asked for an example and she couldnt give me one. I said youre welcome to do anything you'd like, but youre never here. She has been out of town on work 2 of the last 4 weeks and when she has been here, she's chosen to socialize with her friends. She said she did something all day with D8 on Sat and was with S11 Sat night. But in my opinion, neither counts as quality time. D8 just rode around in car with her and did shopping, and S11 played in the snow all last night while W drank wine with witch. I didnt bring this up with W though. I guess this is a positive that she's noticed some changes with me and the kids. But I have had the kids for so much the past few months, I have really gotten much closer, especially to my daughter. It's sad to me because she has changed. Where it was once a priority to be with her kids a lot, it seems it's now a burden.
So, I did defend myself a bit on the insinuation that I thought she was a poor mother. I told her I agreed with her and understand how she could come up with this opinion. I told her first of all I was only trying to get my son in bed because he wont sleep in and cant make up any sleep during the week because school starts so early. And..if I thought you were a bad mother to my kids, I certainly wouldnt have anymore interest in you. My son got up at 7:30, she slept in til 10. I went in at ten to see if she was 'ok'...she says 'yes, why'? I said, my god its 10am. She doesnt usually sleep that late either.
I guess what bothers me most is she has developed a big temper towards me. She is now able to blow something like this up so it makes her very mad at me. I feel she's looking for anything to either spark a fight or justify how she feels about me. Always looking for every negative. The other problem is when she's mad, she now doesnt say anything. As if I have to pull it out of her or read her mind. She gets so angry at me know at the littlest things. She never even used to have a temper. She told me she wanted things to be the same as they always were between her and the kids. I said 'ok', and I'd like for you to be the same as you always were, no temper.
I keep reading about other situations on this board where the couples are still getting hugs, kisses, and even having sex. My W wont touch me and will seldom look me in the eye. Yet, we get along well around the house and kids. None of this makes any sense to me. I dont think I've deserved any of this.
Last night when we were talking about her 'insecurities' about the kids, I asked if I am being good to the kids. She said, 'yes, you are tremendous with the kids, you are a great father'. She feels I'm being different to the kids and acting different and somehow competing with her for their attention. She's basically saying I have changed a lot in this area and it's obviously making her jealous. All I said was I'm trying to be a better person to our kids and to you. So, I asked am I being good to you? 'You are now'. Now? 'yes, you didnt used to' (this offended me) My answer was 'I didnt know how, now I do'....Is that a baby step? I just wonder if I'm a great father and really good to her now, what's the f'ing problem? I wish she'd give 'now' a chance. I love my W so much its killing me that she's totally demonizing me. Today at my sons Bball game, she didnt even sit with me in the stands. Ouch. She's also planning a ski trip with that witch and her kids. I'm not invited. It's for 4 days right before Xmas. However, I did schedule a trip with my kids after Xmas. So we will both be away from each other pretty much all of the holidays except Xmas Eve and Xmas. I hate all this. I'm thinking that if she doesnt come up with any plans while were away after xmas, I may print up a ticket and give it to her for xmas and she if she'll come with us. Probably a crazy idea, but how long can we really get along with 'no interest' out of her?
Just as I told you it would happen. She will notice the changes, and then she will spend time being pissed about the changes...You are good to her "now". You have to start from somewhere, right?? Patience, patience and more patience. Saint Tostada is what you gotta be.
You now have to live through a few months of nothing appearing to change. This is a hard phase. BTW, some people get sex. Most get NONE. My wife would bitch if I started at her too much with her cloths ON. Yours goes naked in front of you sometimes.
Keep it up. You are making progress. It will feel like sh*t but I think you are getting to her. You still sound confrontational, and like you have expectations. Lose both and you will do better.
BTW, none of this makes sense to YOU because you are not in her shoes. Stop trying to make sense of any of it. Concentrate on being the best T you can be.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
