Sun Facing Reality 5

[Sunflower23]

Hi All,

Thanks for checking up on me. Sue! It was so good to hear from you. I've thought of you often.

Well, H went out looking for apartments today. We talked on the phone for about an hour and he yelled and screamed about how everything always comes back on him and is always his fault.

I finally told him how I fight with hating him, and that he shows no remorse for anything he's done and that is why everyone seems to hate him and blame him for it all.

I don't know what else we said, it went on for so long, but he finally said he'd never drink at home again, he'd be nicer to me (fake it, he said), pretend to be happy here and we'd just do the best we could. I told him I wanted us to save our family, commit to each other to fix things eventually, no lies, cheating, hurting the kids any more, etc.

He said he'd promise to support me financially, and fake it in front of the kids. He didn't love me anymore. Then he made a comment about today being a good day to start wasting the rest of your life.

I said, No Thanks. Go secure you an apartment and move on. the last thing I want to do is be the cause of you wasting the rest of your life. Go out there and find what you're looking for.

He said no and I said really, just do it. If I mean so little to you that being with me is "wasting the rest of your life" then you don't need to be here and I don't want you here.

He says the most hurtful things to me, intentionally, I'm sure. I cried, but I am ok now. The kids are here for the weekend and we're going to build a gingerbread house and decorate the apartment some.

I sure hope others are having a better day than me.

Hugs and mistletoe,
Sun

[job]

Sun,
I'm sorry to hear that he's acting out like a bad kid. I'm more concerned about you right now. Your foot isn't getting any better and it's time to ask what the next step is. You've been trying to get this foot healed for quite a while. Maybe it's time for a second opinion?

I'm going to suggest that when he's "poking" at you, that you not respond. The more he pokes, the more you react to his nonsense. In a way, I believe he's getting a rush by attacking you and when you react to those attacks, the rush is fulfilled. Try something different, stay quiet and let him fume. Sun, you've got the power to shut him up, just by not responding back to his smart @ss comments.

If he's not in love w/you or finds you attractive, then he should move out. What he's telling you are poor excuses for his bad behavior. He can't find anything wrong w/you, so he's making this crap up to hurt you because he's miserable himself. The old saying "misery loves company" is so true w/this guy.

I do hope that this weekend will be a better one for you. I'm worried about you and that situation. Please take care of your foot!

[hopefloats7]

Sun, I am so sorry about your day, and I hope you ended it better with the gingerbread house.
I agree with snodderly, he's just so miserable that he has NOTHING nice to say, so he says what he does.
You know my H could be nasty to me, too, and he would say hurtful things to me. He once told me he hated me. He looked right at me and said that. Now, my H has been one of those that would later call or stop by and pitifully attempt to take back things he had said, and he later called to tell me he did not hate me, he hated himself.
So you see, that is what your H is really thinking too. He's wasting his life away and he knows it. Now he needs someone to blame.
How do they look themselves in the mirror?
Take care. Hope you are feeling well.

[Sunflower23]

Snodderly and Hope,

Thanks for stopping by. You are not going to believe this:

H gets home 2 hours later than he said. I don't know where he was all day. He shows up, hugs and kisses D18, shakes bf's hand, and comes in the kitchen where I am cooking and kisses me on the cheek and pats me on the behind. It was sickening.

I think he'd been drinking with DN before he got home, but I'm not sure.

He ate dinner with us and then got on the computer and the kids and I went to do a bit of shopping and get a movie. When we get home he's in the shower, goes to sleep and never even comes out to tell the kids goodnight.

Hope, sometimes your H and mine sound so much alike. I will never forget last Christmas Eve my H and I were in the bathroom talking so the kids wouldn't hear and I told him I knew he had given OW the jewelry and he almost passes out and then starts pointing his finger in my face and telling me he hates me.

There is so much garbage in our history of this MLC mess. I don't know how long it would take to heal from it all. I'll never forget how that felt. I ended up lying on the floor sobbing!

My foot isn't getting any better. I know it's time to insist something new. I'm just afraid it's surgery and I need my job and I can't be off my feet and do it. The physical therapy place my doc referred me to isn't on our insurance and the one the insurance told me about is for hearing problems and the other is very far away. So, I guess I'll drive up there next week and see what they have to offer. Blah. No good options.

What I can't figure out is does he really want to leave or does he get a rush on thinking about it. He does get off on hurting me, I think. I don't think there is an OW. Is he in replay still and wanting to withdraw or what the heck? The anger is so bad, so bad. He had a very small spell of daylight. I wonder if we'll see that again for a long time? I feel trapped.

Hugs and mistletoe,
Sun

[angelica]

Sun - doctor friend of mine [who had a MLC, and also has training in psychology]] told me something very interesting.


When they say they don't find us attractive, it actually means they have been thinking about us and fighting the attraction. My h says that he doesn't want to sleep with me again. My friend says that he would only say that if he had been thinking abot it quite a lot. According to him, men don't tell women they don't find them attractive or desirable if they haven't thought about them a LOT!!! It doesn't just pop out as a comment

I share Snodderley;s concerns about your foot, as well as your h's coninuing poor behaviour. He is clearly much more comfortable having his particular MLC on his own home, rather than moving out.

A

[job]

Sun,
Your number one priority is you and your health. Make the appointment and get a second opinion on your foot. You do not want this to linger for it could make the condition far worse than it already is. Something is slowly down the healing process and you need to find out what it is. If they do surgery, you may be on crutches for a while and have to keep the foot elevated. I'm sure if you explained this to your supervisor, he/she would understand. Your a good worker and they will work w/you on this.

Well, I'm not the least bit surprised by his change in mood. Their moods change w/the wind. That's why it's so important not to take to heart what they say or do. One minute they are up, the next, down. Sun, he's got a lot of disgust and hatred for himself and the only way he can find just a little bit of relief is to lash out at you. You don't deserve it, but he knows that he can do this and get away w/it. For how long? Only you can determine just how much of this you can take.

He'll see daylight again, but it's going to be a while. He's been stuck for a while and now that the house has sold and you are living elsewhere, it's going to become close quarters and he just very well move out. BTW, some will threaten and never leave and others will leave at the drop of a dime. I hope and pray that the new year will bring you a much needed rest and some resolution to his problem.

Sun, please try to enjoy the weekend. I know this has been an extremely trying and stressful time for you. Please take care of your health.

[kml]

Sun -
I haven't been following the story of your foot, but if it involves the bones, please ask your doctor to check a 25 OH vitamin D level (simple blood test). Vitamin D deficiency is shockingly common and you need vitamin D for strong bones and good bone healing.

Ellie

[Sunflower23]

Angelica,

You know, to me this makes complete sense. I never ask him for sex or anything and haven't in a long time. He always brings this up when he is really on a rant. He loves to tell me how he is NOT in love with me anymore and he does NOT find me attractive AT ALL.

Why would someone do that? It's not like he used to tell me he was before MLC. He was complimentary, but not overly so.

Well, he can think all he wants. I slip into bed as quitely as a mouse in case he would wake up and want to do anything because I don't want him to touch me at this point. I have zero desire for anything intimate with him after all the things he's said.

Thanks for dropping by.
Hugs,
Sun

[Sunflower23]

Snodderly,

You know, he's as crazy as a loon. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be in there. He is a total mess. When he came in and kissed me on the cheek and patted my behind I felt repulsed.

I don't want to take it one more minute. I have to have certain things in place before I would have the option of my leaving and I am working on them, but it would be better for him to leave.

I do believe he has a lot of hate and disgust for himself. I KNOW in my heart he can't love me because he hates himself so much. Of course if I told him that (which I wouldn't) he would say I am not facing reality.

I really thought when the house sold he'd fly away. The fact that he's still here 2 months later is amazing to me. I don't understand it at all. I don't understand the trip to NY he sent D and I on. I don't know where that fit in with his hatred of me. Why would you give someone a trip like that if you wanted away from them? It just proves how confused he is, I guess.

I'm going to get to the bottom of the foot problem asap. The pain is unbelievable.

Thanks for dropping by. I hope you are enjoying the season and have wonderful plans ahead.

Hugs,
Sun

[Sunflower23]

Ellie,

I have plantar fac. in my right foot and ended up with a stress fracture and in an aircast. The fracture healed but my heel pain is as bad, if not worse, than ever. I've had several cortizone shots which do nothing for me. My podiatrist wants me to start physical therapy, but the office they referred me to isn't on my insurance. I called the insurance and they gave me the name of two others. One turned out to be a speech therapist! and the other is about 45 miles away, but I guess it's my next option.

Thanks for the info.

Sun