WAW does not want to try

[wawpioneer]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time on any web forums. My wife came home one day and said that she was not "in love" with me anymore but she still cares about me or still loves me. I was devastated. She said that she has felt this way for years and that she feels like she should not have married me and should have broken up with me when we were dating even. She said that she never really has loved me like a wife should love a husband. She has always kept her feelings inside and did not express them openly or if she did I failed or chose not to validate her feelings. She says that I was too controlling and that things always had to go my way and that her opinions and feelings did not matter or where never taken into consideration. She feels like it is over and done. She had also built an emotional relationship with another man behind my back that does not regret and says that he opened her eyes to the posibility that there is someone out there that is better suited for her with qualities that she is looking for in a man. She left almost two months ago and is in the process of filing divorce papers. She says that she may file tomorrow. I have been devastated and depressed. She feels like she made this decision over the course of the years and it is not a hasty decision for her. She says that she does not want to work on us at all and that she has made her decision. We went to counceling today (only the 2nd time she agreed to couples counceling) and the councelor asked us to not talk for a few days then come together to discuss our potential plan if there even is one. We will meet this weekend and if she decides that there is a chance then we will explore that possibility. I am not holding my breath. She has been so cold and brutally honest and stubborn. I am not sure what to do or if there is anything that I can do. I am committed to change and committed to working on our marriage. I am religious and do not believe in divorce. Is there any hope? I also have a thread in the WAW forum

Here's a 'todo' list. I'd start by dropping the marriage counseling for now. Start working on you and avoid focusing on your W and the guy she is involved with.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

[Just_Me]

She had also built an emotional relationship with another man behind my back that does not regret and says that he opened her eyes to the posibility that there is someone out there that is better suited for her with qualities that she is looking for in a man.

Surprise surprise (NOT). You won't have a great deal of success with Mr. Wonderful in the picture. Read Brit's suggestions. Focus on improving yourself and being happy without her. Don't give her the opportunity to draw a distinction from you being needy/desperate and this OM appearing not that way.

[wawpioneer]

Thank you both for posting. I think you guys are right. She says that the contact between her and the other man is now very infrequent and barely friend-like (sure). I had been doing everything wrong up until the last couple of weeks. I wonder if I had known about some of these techniques sooner if she would have come around early. She was a mess early on but seems to have gained strength or resolve about her decision to leave. She is pushing for divorce pretty hard and may have already filed papers since a check cleared that was written out to her lawyer. We will see if I get served. We are supposed to talk this weekend or sometime before we have counceling together next Thursday. I am not sure she will go. We will see. She is going to individual counceling though. She has made it clear though that she is not going to work on us but is going to "fix her". I am not sure if this one is going to come around. She has always been pretty stubborn and her stubborn streak is coming out right now. I have had a extremely hard time GAL lately. I did go to my sister's tonight though. It was goog to get out of town for a bit.

[mako]

I think you should push yourself to GAL. Serves many purposes: gets your mind off all this; you'll probably have fun and feel better about yourself and more positive; you'll start to figure out you can enjoy yourself and be happy w/o W, should it come to that. Remember, you can't control her, gotta do your best to deal with what you can control, and that's making yourself happy...I know it ain't easy, but that's what we've got.

[grid, lost]

wawpioneer,
Welcome and you have come to the right place with the support you are grasping for.

I am newbie so really can not help you. Will say listen to these folks they have traveled many more miles than we have. BritInOH, every time he posts those 34 rules, I read them, read the posts, re-read the 34 rules, and then I email the list to myself. GAL is really hard at first and then you will suddenly realize you are still standing. In fact with GAL you are not only still standing your breathing. Your W will notice to. never give up hope. there always is hope.
keep posting.

[Lanzo]

Hi wawpioneer,

Don't dispair there is hope.

My wife came home one day and said that she was not "in love" with me anymore but she still cares about me or still loves me. I was devastated. She said that she has felt this way for years and that she feels like she should not have married me and should have broken up with me when we were dating even.

Earlier this year my W used all of these terms to express her dissatisfaction in our marriage. Yes, even to the point of saying we should never have married at all, so I really know where you are coming from.

Read the list Brit has given you, get and read the DR/DB books, put into practice the DB techniques, they will work for you if you are patient. I can see small baby steps in my sitch, because up until a few weeks ago my W wouldn't talk to me, didn't want to be in the same room as me, but now that is changing, slowly. The same positive changes can happen for you.

Make detachment your friend, detach yourself from your W, from your M, most of all from the thought of the OM. Fill that void with GAL activities, do things for you to make you feel better. Also, stay upbeat and happy around your W even if you feel like sh*t on the inside. If she decides to file you can't fight it, you'll have to openly understand and validate her feelings and go along with it, even though a little voice in your head is screaming NO !!.

A positive outlook from you will buy you some time while your W tries to figure out what she really wants to do, at the very least it will cause her to delay filing. If you buckle under the pressure and go back to begging, pleading, crying etc that will only confirm her feelings to leave you, and she'll be gone.

Keep posting and keep reading on this site because we're all here to help you.

[wawpioneer]

Thank you all for the support. I know you are right that I have to find a way to GAL. It pretty scary really because to me it would feel like she would look at it as me letting her go and thus she would feel like she could then move on with her life. Maybe that is what it would take for her to think about things and come around. I don't know. All I know is that I am tired of feeling like crap. Right now I am even scared to talk to her because I don't want to hear those dreaded words any more. I know that I am supposed to "act as if" but it is hard. I know you all know what I am talking about. I was going to stay home and clean house today but I think that I may go buy some new clothes and get out of town. I have lost so much weight that nothing fits any more. Thanks for all the support. By the way, how do you guys insert your sitch details and a thread link at the end? Thanks!

[mako]

Good for you, go have a good time.

To insert a link, put this in your profile signature:

*[url=COPY YOUR THREAD URL HERE]PUT THE NAME YOU WANT TO GIVE IT HERE[/url]*

Remove the stars from the front and back

[wawpioneer]

Thanks mako. I am trying to GAL. It is difficult in a small town and every hour is different. I was OK this morning and this evening has been a real tough one. I might go to my nephews and eat supper with him. I would give anything if my wife were here to put her arms around me. Gets pretty lonely sometimes and family and friends help but are not the same as W. She is not the same right now either come to think of it. We are supposed to talk in the next few days prior to counceling Thursday. Not sure what the talk is going to accomplish but I am going to try to listen and "act as if".

Thanks for the thread tip. I will try that.