Mopsey, You can be there as a friend, but he's got to figure this out on his own. Hopefully the therapist can help him.
He's still an emotional wreck. He's hitting a bit of the bad depression, but still not enough to be hitting bottom. He's been a stubborn one for such a long time.
I'm glad to hear that the kids are enjoying their day. You must be having a nice one too, except for the phone call. Mopsey, all you can do is sit back and watch from afar. You can't afford to be sucked into his drama. Someone has to be the sane one for the children and to ensure that the bills are all paid.
Have a great week!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly: H is an emotional wreck. He was by yesterday and as he sat on the couch or helped me in the kitchen...he just sobbed. He tried to hold back as much he could, as d12 and her friend were fluttering around, but it was hard for him.
At several points during his time at the house he turned to me and said he was sorry. He said he was sorry he was so screwed up. He didn't know how to fix it and doesn't know what is wrong with him.
We watched a movie and d12 and her friend wanted the couch. H signaled for me to move next to him on the love seat. He held my hand for quite a while.
He left around 9. A mess. Around 11 he called me to say he was sorry again. I was half asleep. He said he was driving around. Can't remember much of the conversation, but he did say he would see us today.
So, we shall see. Expectations are at 0. Hopefully counseling will help. We shall see. I am just hoping this is not just the emotions of the holiday season. I guess time will tell.
Well yesterday was a great day off. Got up, took s15 to swim practice and then out for a new cell phone for him. D12 was an angel around the house. Doing little things.
When s15 and I came back from cell phone shopping H was there. He had already fixed the kids bathtub problem and had started cooking dinner. Not sure if this was a way to manipulate....and suck me back in or what but it was nice to have him cook for us.
Anyway, H was quiet. I was wondering if he had his counseling session as he wasn't as weepy but was quiet. D12 had softball in the evening. I told H he could take her if he wanted but he said know. He left, we went and he showed up at the batting cages to watch. Still quiet. A little weepy.
Afterward he offered to take us for dessert. D12 wanted krispy cream donuts so they picked up a dozen to bring home for her and s15. H stayed a little while and then left around 10. He called a little while later to see if I was watching the same cooking show he was, but I was half asleep.
So, who knows, probably just wants to be close due to the upcoming holidays. Zero expectations....but yesterday was nice. I am trying to just be a friend for him right now. I am too unsure of where he is at in all this.
Reading your posts, it reminds me so much of how my H used to act when I still lived in our house and he would drop by, call, etc. It's so hard, because they've been so mean to us and said terrible things, they've had A's, they left, etc. but then they come by and take the garbage out, or pick up dessert, or whatever, and you're silently wondering why, if they said they don't want to be with us. I think you sound totally together considering. Like my H, yours sounds really depressed and he's very sorry for what he did. He just doesn't know what to do. I don't have any advice; you are already doing all you can. Just keep doing that; it seems to be working really well for you because you sound very calm and together.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Mopsey, He's an emotional wreck right now and there's nothing you can do for him. He's got to find his own way out of this situation. You are doing all you can for him by being a friend and allowing him the opportunity to come over and share w/you and the children.
I'm hoping that the therapist can help him, but he's going to have to be open w/the therapist in order to get anything out of the sessions.
I do hope that the weekend is a good one for you. Hopefully he will find something to occupy his time and allow him to focus on his issues.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know he is a wreck...or at least he seems to be. I guess in the back of my mind I fear that he plays his emotions on me so that I continue to hang on or in hopes I will fix things for him and s15. I guess I am paranoid. It is hard not to be, especially not knowing if he is still involved with MOW.
I woke up this morning to discover 2 missed calls and a tm from him in the middle of the night. My phone was on silent so I slept through it all. H has to work all day and night today...so I probably won't see him until d12's swim meet tomorrow (unless it gets cancelled due to weather).
Snodderly, I just don't know what to think. A few months ago I really thought he was missing home and would pull through this, now I am not sure.
I feel like he can't figure it out and never will. He must really love this woman. Perhaps it is just the holidays that are bringing him down right now. When he called yesterday he said that he wanted to do some shopping. He then said he only had to shop for the kids and me.
Not sure what his counseling schedule is. He hasn't told me too much about it. Just last sunday when he was here and he said he was so messed up and that he was getting help. My H can manipulate so I don't know how these sessions will go. I hope the C sees through him and helps.
So, I am off to run some errands. I have to work a few hours later myself so I need to get something done this morning. Should be interesting to see how the weekend plays out, although I find myself obsessing less and less about it.
Just sitting back and watching it unfold.....
Hope all is well with your father. He is in my prayers and so are you.
Mopsey - you get wonderful advice from Snodderley, but I cannot agree that he really loves this woman. If he was happy and in love he would not be in this emotional state IMO.
He seems stuck to me, with a lot of emotional damage that he just cannot get to the point of dealing with. Others may be able to explain why.
As to manipulation - I saw my h with a therapist on our single joint session, and I thought my very clever and manipulative h would wipe the floor with the therapist - Not so - The therapist had his number. However, they CAN refuse to work at the therapy, but that is another issue, and the therapist will call him on this, if he tries to play this game
Mopsey, Let me assure you that your h doesn't love the ow. He's using her as a crutch during this time, if she's still in the picture at all.
As for your h and the therapist, I have to agree w/Angelic. The professionals know when they are being honest and when they aren't. They can read a person very well, so if your h is playing a game, he/she will catch him and call him on it.
Honey, you've got to find a way to put the focus back on you and the children. His drama is sucking you into it in a very subtle way. Yes, he's an emotional wreck, but he's got choices and until he hits bottom, stays there for just a bit and begins to see the light of day and come to realize that he is the only one that has the power to bring himself back him, he's going to be this way.
If this man was truly happy w/his life, he wouldn't be this way. He's being pulled apart by so many things and they are things that none of us can assist them with.
So, dear Mopsey, it's time to focus on the holiday that's coming up and make some new traditions. What do you have planned for this weekend?
Thank you for the prayers. My father is home, resting comfortably, but I just don't know for how long. He's strong, but I do think this last episode took a lot out of him. All any of us can do is pray and be there for those we love.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
angelica and snodderly both have summed it up perfectly, but I wanted to add a third agreement just so you feel very assured: your H does not love this woman. I know that because he left and has been SO mean to you, you of course would reason that yes, he loves her, etc. I mean, that would seem logical. I did it, too. However, does a man in love with ow call up his wife multiple times in the middle of the night? Go back and read all your latest posts and see just how much he has made contact with you. Like snodderly said, she is being USED right now. It is hard to believe it at this moment but it IS the truth. I outright asked my H a few months ago if he ever really loved the ow, and he said, "No." And I really don't think he was lying about it. I am sure your H would eventually reach a point where he would say the same thing.
Your posts take me back to 2 years ago this very time of the year when my H was doing all these same things, mopsey. The calling in the middle of the night, coming over in the middle of the night, crying, acting despondant, depressed, scared. I am so sorry because I know exactly how you feel right now. It's SO confusing...if he feels this sorry, why doesn't he stop? Right? I guess it isn't that easy for them.
When this started happening to me, I gained some peace because I knew something was not right with my H and he couldn't possibly be happier if he were looking and acting this way. So it is with your H too.
Definitely keep up what you are doing; I am SO proud of you that you said you don't obsess about it as much. Mopsey, that's huge. When you get to that point, you slowly start to heal from this. Great job.
Keeping you in my prayers. Stay strong.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
UGH....thank you for all of your advice and prayers. I feel like I have taken a huge step backward in my situation today and I feel like throwing in the towel:
On Monday night d12 had me in tears. She was so rotten and out of control. I really lost it. S15 was there for me and I told H about this.
Today she called me after school and H was there. I asked if she had her stuff to study for a quiz and she said no. She didn't bring it home. I asked her to get the vocab words from a friend and she started mouthing off.
Anyway, I get H on the line and ask him to make sure that d12 gets these words and then I tell him about the hard time she has been giving me. He goes to talk to her and they have a blow up.
Finally, he calls back and d12 is crying and I am on speaker phone and he asks her why she is being so bad for me. She finally screams at him that it is because he is not here and we are getting D. SHe wants her real family back. Several times she tells him this.
So then H calls me back. I finally said that I was happy d12 told her her true feelings. Our kids, who should be enjoying there lives right now are so unsettled with all of this.
He then asks how we can fix this and I told him only he can do this. He made this decision for us and our family and he needs to figure it out.
He then throws spew at me that he left for reasons and he doesn't see any change in me ..blah blah blah. He asked if I thought he was happy and I said part of me thinks you are. I just don't understand how you can get up and not want to be with your family (Bad DB I know).
We went back and forth. I listened as he told me how I thought he should get a real job (never said that), how it was always my way or the highway and still is, how I think he has abandoned his family, etc, etc, etc.
He asked if we could work together to help the children. He said maybe that would be a way to take a step towards fixing things. I told him that s15 is in counseling at school and if d12 needs counseling I am for it. I will not go to counseling with him/them and try to tell these children that I am happy with this situation. I will not lie to them.
I told him I will be there for him and the children ....but I won't go into counseling with him while he is with another woman. (bad,bad dbing). H said how could you still be here for me. And I said because ILY. HE replies how could you love me when you think I have abandoned my family and for what I have done to my kids......ugh.
Of course more spew came my way. H said he was in counseling trying to deal with everything. Whatever. I don't think all the counseling in the world can help this man. I give up. I finally told him I had to go.
D12 called me to apologize and tell me she needed to pick up a new notebook and h gave her money for it.
H then called to tell me about the notebook and said "So what is me coming home and us living in a dysfunctional family going to do to the children." I said to him that I will never tell him to come home. I will never ever tell him what to do. I just hope he figures it out. I told him I had to go and I would talk to him later and he said "no you won't. You won't call me. You never call me. I always call you."
He asked if I had talked to d12. He asked what she said. I told him she apologized, told me about the notebook and told me how sad she was. I am not going to lie to him. I am not going to.
So my H,.....filled with blame...guilt...anger....all of the above. When he hears from his precious d12 how she is feeling about this it really set him off but good. I know I shouldn't have said half of the things I said to him, but whatever. Too late now. I just don't get it. I guess I am a bad dber.
I thought my H was happy spending time with us and was making contact with me because he missed us, but I guess not. He is still with MOW and has no plans on returning anytime soon.
So, right now I am feeling a little devistated. I don't know what to think. I just don't know what to feel. I need to stop focusing on him...that is so true. I totally need to detach.
Back to the drawing board....or should I say into the tunnel.
