She says it's over - Part 23

[Cinderellaman]

DNQ,

I haven't been on your thread much lately but am thrilled to hear that you choose to stand...you are being brave, courageous and you're following your heart...good for you ! We are proud of you...take God's hand and let him help you ! xxx

[LisaLost]

DNQ,

Let us be your support and reinforcement!!!!! We do care. Very proud of your choices, very hard for sure but to reach your goal stay strong!!!

Love,
Lisa

[AmyC]

I'm deciding to "stand"....So here is my stand. Alone

You HAD BEEN alone.

But you aren't alone anymore.

[AmyC]

I dug up an old thread earlier and thought I'd give it to you, too:

I learned a new definition for the word filibuster today. In Church. And it gave me something to think about and it can be applied to our situations very effectively. The definition is below....Keep reading if you want to know how it applies to us...

Filibuster is the historical name, used predominantly in the 19th century, for private individuals who settled in foreign states with the intent of eventually overthrowing the existing government


Any of us, while we were lost or even if we were just uneducated in the ways of matrimony, caught up in our own selfishness, too busy to notice the sad condition of our homes...whatever the source of our marital problems, we can be considered to have been residing at that time in a "foreign territory". The enemy's territory. Only his work was being done at that time: destroying the family from within. For example, it applies to me in that I was lost and deeply mired in the sin of adultery and all the other sin that entails....so I was residing in a foreign territory - wholly welcomed by it's 'government' - living in the enemy's domain. Accomplishing his work and destroying my family.

But soon there came another Another who represented a better Government. He set me free - opened my eyes - forgave me - and I joined HIS battle to take back all the enemy had taken from me while I was deceived.

And now it's war. What will you do? What will I do?
Will we fight for what we know is His WILL...that our marriages be brought back from the brink of divorce TO HIS GLORY?

It only takes one person to stand up and change things. Change the ENTIRE course of events. All throughout history there have been men and women who have done so for causes less than ours and causes EXACTLY like ours.
Our cause is His cause. So all of heaven is behind us and there's nothing in hell or from hell that will change that. Unless we lay down. We are called to stand. We have to stand there against everything that comes against us but we are not standing without protection. We have the Armor of God and He tells us to put it on...

Gird your loins with Truth
The Breastplate of Righteousness
Feet shod with preparation on the Gospel of Peace
The Shield of Faith
The Helmet of Salvation
The Sword of the Spirit

And so we fight.

Do we get tired? Yes.
Do we get disillusioned? Yes.
Do we give up? The truth is some will. I came close.

The more believers that gather, the stronger we are. And we have the only weapon we need. The Word. It doesn't matter what the circumstances say to us, or even what our spouses say....it only matters what God says but we have to claim it and KEEP CLAIMING IT until we see the manifestation of our faith. That is the restoration of our marriages. The facts may be that we and our spouses messed up really bad. The facts may be that we don't see any signs of reconciliation. The TRUTH is God said He will "restore the years the locust has eaten"...He did not say He MIGHT restore. He said He WILL. We are always asking Him for something. Maybe now He wants something from US. He wants to see faith. Yes, He wants us to believe in what we do not see. THAT'S what faith IS.

In the Gospel of Luke are several stories where Jesus said to someone "your faith has saved you", "your faith has made you whole". Another story tells of a man with palsy who's friends, trying to get him to Jesus, lowered him down from the roof into the house where Jesus was...they so believed He could heal their friend...the Bible says "when He saw their faith He said to the man 'your sins are forgiven'". It's about faith. And if faith the size of a mustard seed can move a mountain, we have what it takes, through Him, to save our marriages. He said in Luke 10:19 "Behold I give you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you."

We are in a battle. It doesn't matter if you THINK you are or not. Or if you WANT to be or not.
You ARE in it.
Everyone is.
It is only a question of which side.

[princess_nic]

DNQ -

Congratulations! You did a really difficult thing, but I do believe that it's the best decision for you, Linda, your wife and your children. I don't know what will happen in the future, but this was not the right time for that R to blossom. I am sorry for your pain, though.

Faithful H -

I must take issue with this:

In the grand scheme of eternity, your commitment to stand today will be meaningless if you stop tomorrow or even next year. It will have been a nice little attempt.

I don't want to minimize the pain you went through with your W, but the fact is, your stand did not have to last long. After almost two years of h#ll with my stbx, I had had enough and stopped standing. It's now 5 months later and I have absolutely no regrets. I really don't think it's fair to say that it would be "meaningless" if any of us chooses at any point to stop.

~ Nicola

[FaithfulH]

Nic,

I am sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean to make my comment sound like a character judgement. BTW, the comment applied to me as well. I was simply stating my belief that for my stand to mean anything to my family....specifically my kids...I would need to continue for as long as it took. In other words, I had a strong sense that my kids would "forget" how our M ended if I stopped my stand. Would I have continued to stand "forever"? Who knows? That was my intent.

Regarding the brevity of my separation, I won't let that stop me from trying to help our friends here. If they think that disqualifies me from commenting...they are free to discard the advice.

Again, I don't mean to offend.

[forward]

DNQ, I can understand the pull towards another person. I feel it myself, towards someone I work with.

But when I wrote "Rebound" in one of your threads, I wasn't trying to be mean--the point was that this type of relationship strikes me as almost invariably doomed, you know?

Crushee for me is handsome, dedicated to family, and insightful. Not to mention good at job, kind, all kinds of good things.

But as I got to know Crushee, it would be easy to predict areas where there would be major friction. Not to mention that we work together and I don't know if my interest is returned (suspect not).

Bottom line is that we are terribly vulnerable now, you know?

[princess_nic]

Faithful,

Regarding the brevity of my separation, I won't let that stop me from trying to help our friends here. If they think that disqualifies me from commenting...they are free to discard the advice.

I didn't mean to imply that at all. I just meant that it is difficult to imagine what a long-term stand feels like if you haven't done it. I had no idea myself what it would be like.

However, I should add that I did NOT have a good marriage, and I do not think my H is actually in MLC. I think he did have some sort of crisis that brought things to a head, but he has some serious character flaws and psychological issues that are unrelated to MLC.

If it were not for those issues, it is very possible that I would have remained standing. For myself, I know that my D11 will not forget that I did stand. My S5 never had a clue what was going on, so I guess that's a moot point.

I think you provide good support for people here, so please do not take my comment as a request to stop posting.

~Nicola

[AmyC]

My wife is the love of my life, my kids mom, and the one that God has sent to me. That cannot be changed, and I must keep the faith. I know I have chosen the toughest route I can, and it will bring me a lot of pain, to be sure. Yet, as I cry while typing this, I know it is the right way to go. God help me.....

Well....

[DadNotQuitting]

Been away for a while. Sort of an self-imposed exile from the boards. I've been trying to clear my head, work on what I need to work on, and all that. Started going back to church after being away for a couple months, and have been taking my kids on the days that they are with me.

I have had two sessions of "co-parent" counseling - all by myself. My wife did not show up for either, and told the office staff that she didn't have to come with me because of the temporary restraining order. Fine, I'm glad I got to spend the time with the counselor as she is very, very good. We spent much of the time talking about my wife, the marriage, and the effect all of this is having on the children. The C is very pro-marriage and believes that parents must do everything possible to save the M because she has seen to many good kids get off track in these situations. She is glad that I have been able to endure so much pain and still want to put it all back together. Based on my detailed conversations, she believes, again based solely on what I have described, that my wife is both Bipolar and has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She of course cannot "diagnose" because she has not seen my wife. She does believe that these "afflictions" can certainly cause our marriage to be where it is, and also believes that they are "managable" disorders that can be controlled through medication and counseling. OK, that's encouraging.

As you all know, I've had virtually no communication at all from my wife, and everything goes through her attorney. However, in the last five days, here is what has transpired.

Tuesday - I met briefly with W's attorney to go over some financial stuff. I finally got W's banking records via subpoena, and it proved everything I've been saying. Seems she absolutely blew through nearly $100k this summer (that's right) and told a business partner of mine that she did it to spite me. Huh? Anyway, the attorney said W asked if I could pay for a prescription that was waiting at the pharmacy because she has no money for it. OK, but I tell him I can't until tomorrow since I'm leaving and going in the opposite direction. D8 calls me an hour later asking if I can go pay for the prescription for mommy, because she needs it today. When I tell her I can't go until tomorrow, I hear whispering, then D8 asks if I can pay for it over the phone with a credit card. I tell her I'll try, but I'm busy now. I try, but they don't take that payment over the phone. So,I stop what I'm doing, drive all the way across town in rush hour traffic, and pay for it. Since she needs it right away, I call W's number, hoping D8 will answer. Nope, it's W. I briefly tell her I've paid it, then she says something negative about what I said to her attorney, I kindly deflect it and say good bye.

Wednesday - I went to pick up S6 and D8 from school (I have them on this day until 7:30) and D8 says "Daddy, S10 is coming with us today". Let's just say I was shocked. W pulled D10 (my stepson actually) from me for all but one day since July, when she put in place the TRO. I have not spent any time with him, other than some brief chats at his school at lunchtime, since September. I confirmed this with the school principal who was standing a few yards away. She told me W called her today to let her know this was happening. Completely out of the blue! We all had an awesome time that night!!!! I bought him a new rat (yeah) and cage, and bought D8 two mice and cage. They had permission from their mom to do this, and it was to replace their previous pets that died a couple months ago. About ten minutes before I was to drop them off, W calls me. She hasn't called me in at least three months. She wanted to know if we could move the drop off back fifteen minutes, and I say sure. The drop off goes smoothly.