Just catching up. My, my, your H sounds like a different guy all of a sudden. Good job not reading anything into and even looking for ulterior motives...and you handled yourself as beautifully as you always do.
I would use the room this weekend...you deserve it and things might get interesting if you are both staying at the same hotel. But I would like to know how does anyone accidentally reserve and pay for 2 rooms instead of one? Does sound a bit suspicious.
So your H went your your D's sports banquet, is going your D's competition out of town and bought Christmas presents for your D. He may not be up for any father of the year awards but at least he isn't an absentee dad. There is still hope there.
You should get to spend some time this weekend with your D's at the competition so that is wonderful since it is their weekend with the dad...right???
Enjoy your H's niceness since it may not last long.
I hope that your time with your Ds and you H go fine this weekend. I hate the uncertainty of what it might or might not mean when DH is kind - mine has been much more kind since I agreed the M is over. Like you, I'm trying not to read too much into it and just going along for the ride.
The suggestion of the IC for the kids was more a response to the earlier posts on this thread about the questions we all have about how our children are responding to what we are doing and how we are holding up. For me, the IC has helped me with my worry over the boys. Neither of the boys wanted to go, but both H&me insisted that they go once. I was surprised when S2 wanted to go so much, but in his sessions he doesn't talk about H&me and our situation as much as anger he has over other things like school (and that might be connected to this year and the situation), so I think his issues with H&me are getting taken care of through a different focus. In the end, I have found the IC is more comforting to me than anything. I too worry about how all of this is impacting the boys - their dad is a center to their lives and I know that what he's doing, even as much as he tries to be around for them, will have impact on them later in life. Knowing that I have a professional to help with challenging times - we had one time this fall when S2 was really not processing upsets well and so we went in for one meeting - has given me a peace of mind and it gives the boys one more person other than me to turn to for support and to whom they can express their worries about me.
All that said, I think you are right that the kids often are doing better than we ever think and that IC isn't for everyone; it really is adding just one more perspective.
Good luck with everything today & this weekend - A
Thanks - I emailed H and told him I would take him up on his offer and he responded no problem.
So I will head down later tonight, do a little shopping and check in later.
No expectations (truly - there are none), more suspicions than expectations since we are so new to all of this with no end in sight.
But I will take the kindness now, because after he figures out that we are so far apart on the property settlement, he will more than likely not be so kind anymore.....
w8ing we never know what they are up too maybe just his way of dealing with guilt expect anything enjoy the free room and thank him tonight I asked H to pick up christmas tree. D suggested it!.might as well put guilt money to good use and I saved 78$ peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace - $78 for a tree?!? Where do you live? They run about $40-50 here!
Strangest thing....H told me that he would check in and leave a key at the front desk.
I went to the front desk to pick up the key and gave them my name and H's name. The girl said that he had 4 rooms reserved. Now I know that he got one, and got one for the girls (adjoining). And one for me....
Why the last one?
Peace - you aren't kidding about the guilt.... He called me today and wanted to let me know that he got D13 a new cell phone for her birthday (his contract was up and he had to renew - her birthday isn't until the end of Dec.). He bought the top of the line, latest "it" phone for her - way too much for a 13 year old.
But I didn't say anything. I told him that she will love it.
He gave it to her today so she didn't have to waste a month of service. To be honest, I am a little sad that I wasn't there to see her expression. I feel like I am missing moments that I shouldn't be missing.
And then, he stops by his office to pick something up and takes the girls in. He said he forgot that his Christmas presents (the big ticket items that I mentioned above) were in there. So they saw those presents.
w8ING i know my H does similar things and spends large amounts of $$ contantly on kids My D has I phone(she won it at the gameroom-H probably spent 100 to win it?? sorry you missed those special moments remember this is all temporary Your H does seem to be softening a bit peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I don't know if he is softening or if he is just being nice in hopes that the property settlement will go his way. The true test will be when he sees that I am not agreeable to his suggestions.
Yesterday at the competition you would have never known that we are separated. We chatted and he went to the store and asked me what I would like so we didn't have to eat the awful food there. I told him what happened when I checked in and he explained the room screwup. The were chocolate truffles in his room and the girls room and they gave them to me. They called me in the morning to invite me to breakfast (I missed the call because I was in the shower). It was so normal.
But, again....I have zero expectations. I know the drill now. Kindness when he wants something, coldness when he doesn't get his way or he thinks I am interfering with his life. We are just too much at the beginning of this.
Today we have to go to an open house for a high school. He hasn't been to the previous two so this will be his first (he is going because he has the girls this weekend).
Even with the kindness yesterday, I would look at him and just think "I don't like you".
I read these other posts where you all miss your H. I don't think that I do. Again - I keep focusing on the bad. And not that things were really bad. I just focus on the selfishness and the pretentiousness. I don't understand putting yourself above others and he has done this for a long time.
Is this just anger at the way he has treated me and how he wants to treat me with the property settlement? Or is it the way that I really feel about him?
w8ting - I don't know whether you will know how you feel about him for a while. We have been treated badly by the one person in the world who OUGHT to treat us well, and it hurts, however magnanimous we are.
ALso their emotional rollercoaster rubs off on us. I suspect tht you do love him, but you don't like the man he is now, and the way he has treated you.
It is probably the wrong question to be asking yourself - how YOU feel about YOU is more important.
Hi w8ing- Sounds like you had a good time at your D's competition. How did she do?
You are doing well at keeping your expectations in check. To me, you are a realist with tendancies to focus on some negatives to help alieviate the pain...which can be good...I, on the other hand, have been too much of a romantic and always see things the way I want to see them. This has kept my hope alive but also my expectations.
I am feeling a bit like you are lately. I am questioning my feelings for my H. Angelica makes a point about how we feel about ourselves...but the more self-love we have, how do we keep from thinking that we deserve better than this?
I too am glad this weekend went well for you; these calmer days help give strength for the insane ones, I think.
Quote:
Yesterday at the competition you would have never known that we are separated.
This is how my H and me are often; we have been at all of the boys' performances and sports activities, and everytime we end up sitting next to each other. H has said some people have given him a hard time b/c he will sit with me!
Quote:
Even with the kindness yesterday, I would look at him and just think "I don't like you".
I have been on this up and down with my H too. I even made a declaration of not loving him anymore a few months back (his response was that it didn't hurt as much as he thought it would when I said that...) Since then, though, I find my feelings changing again. My H keeps being very kind, and that doesn't help me with my anger or any sort of conviction. I forgive him a world of hurt, and I don't even know if I should or if he deserves it ... or if it matters that we are doing this dance with such mixed messages.
I think your uncertainty must be normal - it certainly is what I'm feeling - and that there will be no hard and fast known feelings. I'm trying to just hold on - to not push, not pressure, and not judge myself too harshly. You are doing great, it sounds like, and if that's the case, then whatever you feel about him seems valid to me.
Good luck with the open house; hope the good times from yesterday keep going!
