WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..

[jab]

Had a very hard day at work (emotionally). I couldn't focus on work much, found myself thinking too much about W and wished my sitch was just a bad dream. I've spent nearly half my life with her and we DID have so many, many good times. Few in the past several years, though. I miss her love so much and pray that this is a new beginning for us and not the end.. I think what is bothering me most is watching her hurt so bad inside and I cannot console her. I also feel so cheated because to me, she is a much stronger, more beautiful, successful woman now than when I met her. I was looking forward to spending this time in our life together.

W picked me up from work. Was in best mood I've seen her in days. Talked to me about her day all the way home (30 min drive), mostly about xmas shopping for kids and my pending move. Also talked about her future visit to parents house over xmas. She said she really felt bad that I was going to be alone during that time. I said jokingly, "drop the pets off at my apt on way to airport. Pets and I can have a party and exchange gifts! Maybe, I'll dress them up in costumes and take pictures, send them to you when you are visiting family" That made her smile.

I setup all my utilities for apt today and will sign lease tomorrow. She looks and smells so good to me in car, I mention it to her, but stayed focused so not to cross any boundaries. Told her I had a hard day emotionally but didn't get into details and dropped the subject. She apologized for her mood this morning. I replied, "you have no reason to apologize for your sadness, I understand why you are unhappy with things, who wouldn't"?

Her pleasant mood continued until she left for work. I told her during dinner that since I lost weight it's time for me to start working out. Told her I was going to 'pump iron' for the next two months and start drinking protein shakes, weight gain powders. She asked why now? I said, "I'm improving myself and it will keep my mind off all the negative." I also told her that I'm replacing my wardrobe, it's long overdue and I've lost alot of fat. I haven't bought new clothes in several years! Haven't had the $$ and I do now.

I am still very, very sad and scared but tried not to show it.

I'm hell bent on busting this D. I didn't tell her that new apt has alot of younger, single females living there, she'll figure that out soon enough. My plan is to make new friends, make myself more physically attractive in coming months, work on my character flaws, then start inviting people over to new place, start going out with new friends after house arrest is over. Start flirting with some 'hotties'. I'm going to GAL! I will be quite smart and successful for a guy living in an apt complex Quite a catch for some girl who is tired of dating 'losers'. Time to start playing the DB game, I guess. I can easily pull off being 5-10 years younger than I am. I have the gift of youthful looks and spirit! Always have but for some reason forgot that until today.

Of course, I still prefer W, but I'm not going to make it easy for her to just 'throw me away' that's for damn sure.

Oh, did I mention I got a vasectomy for W a couple of years ago? LOL!!!!!!