Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[ann25]

Hi RHW, I totally understand what you are saying and thank you. I think there are some differences though that affect how I feel.

In our M, he asked for a divorce because I was unhappy and I wasn't sure it would work out. He figured if I was unsure, that it wasn't worth any effort on his part. I took that to mean he only loved me enough to work on it if there was some sort of guarentee. There never is and he was adament about not changing his mind. We were through.

The sex issue in our M is different than a lot of sits that I've read. Had it just been the lax of sex making me unhappy, I think I would have done some things differently, but I had so many other issues with him and how we treated me and took me for granted that I just didn't care to find out what.

The year prior to this (during pregnancy and after baby was born) was a year of me being 99% responsible for persuing sex and I did (HD here) and i would get rejected about 3 out of 7-9 times asking. I stopped asking for it as often and that only helped in that I wasn't getting rejected as often, so my self esteem wasn't taking such a kick in the a$$. I debated not asking at all and even tried it for a time, but all that got me was no sex. Even when I noticed that I wasn't in love with him anymore, I would ask at least once a week. I figured that we needed at least that connection. I felt nothing else...

I started losing weight (40 lbs) started taking better care of myself in general(dressing nicer, styling my hair and wearing makeup & jewelry more often) I got a my nose pierced and changed my haircolor (things he mentioned he liked). Nothing changed his lack of interest.

After he dropped the bomb, we had sex maybe once a month. He mostly slept in his office, but occasionally came to bed with me. Honestly, he's not my type physically. He's not what I've ever been attracted to, but I was in love and I loved being intimate with him. He became what I wanted. I loved that. I would have given anything to be that for him at one time.

Since the D bomb, sex has been a chore for me. I am an active participant don't get me wrong, but it was something I dreaded. I had the EA and we weren't having sex. He found out about it and now he can't keep his hands off me. He wants to kiss me all the time, he gropes me throughout the evenings and wants sex practically every night. Problem is, I can't stand it. the few times we do now, its because I know he needs it. I miss it, but I can't bring myself to enjoy having sex with him.

I don't want to push him away, but sometimes the thought of being intimate makes me feel sick... I can't think of a better way to explain it. I don't know what to do about it. I've ordered 2 or 3 books on ragaining love and finding the love you lost - hopefully some heavy duty reading will give me some ideas