This may be too late but I'm sure the L will tell you this anyway... NEITHER of you has to buy the other one out. Sell it while you're both still on the title, and then you split the proceeds. That way neither of you gets hurt by the market if it drops before the house sells.
(((Donna)))
Hope it's going ok today.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I held it together through the meeting today--no tears. No smiles, but no tears. He got angry at a few things, but that was to be expected. We didn't touch on the house today all that much--that will be the next meeting, 2nd week of Jan.
Nikki, that may be another option. We didn't bring it up today, but I told my L about my thoughts--she said that she would come up with the many different scenarios, and we can work from there.
I also thought of 2 new things today: --I asked him to get disability insurance to pay the bills if he gets sick or can't work --I want to reduce my work days back to 3x/week next school year. I was "encouraged" to go full-time when the opportunity came up for last school year but had major reservations. I had been 3x/week for 6 years, with full benefits. H told me that he would help, we could make it, etc.....little did I know that the affair had started--could he have seen all this that long ago? I don't know, but I want and need that time now to take care of my kids and keep the household going, now that I am alone with it all. We'll see that his L does with that.
We finished and he was out of there pretty quick. After he and his L left the room, I broke down with mine for about 5 minutes, then got it back together.
Right after, I had to get home to pack up the kids and bring them to the meeting place for the weekend. No drama. So, alone in the house for now. I have plans tonight, then a Women's breakfast tomorrow with a friend, then get away for the overnight on Sat (I hope).
About 1/2 way through Women who Love Too Much. So much reads like my current sitch, but it doesn't fit with the previous 20 years....I'll have to talk with the IC about that.
Off to get my mind on better things--karaoke with friends from work, maybe a sleep-over :0)
Still reading WWLTM. VERY good book--I am definitely backing off the "man" thing while I do this work on me. I think I do need to feel all of it, even the pain and loneliness. There has to be some reason that all of this happened, something that I am meant to learn now...
I was overcome by the Women's Breakfast this morning. A friend had invited me a few weeks ago (actually a mom of S's friend). She knows of the sep because of the kids. Now, she didn't know what the format was going to be. But it ended up having entertainment by a family with 7 prodigy kids, who sign and play strings. Very beautiful. But the speaker...
She told of her struggles this past year, being betrayed by her spiritual mentor. She felt as though she was "walking through the shadow of death," and that she had to learn to do things His way rather than her way. Another gentle message to Let Go. The woman sitting next to me and my friend shared her own story of living through infidelity--and now being happy with her life and the two precious gifts of her granddaughters.
I have never considered myself a religious or even spiritual person...but there have been so many people put on this path to help me through all this mess along the way... and always when I seem to need it the most. How much coincidence can there be?
Another woman who I work with was also there--she has sent me cards and told me she would pray for me over the last months. It was a nice surprise to run into her. After the program, she walked over a centerpiece gift for me. I still had tears running down my face.
So, a surprisingly good day. Something I needed after yesterday. I feel stronger. I mentioned the strong response I had with MIL. She said that she has wanted to go to church, but didn't want to go alone. So, I'll be going tomorrow. Who knows what will happen?
Sell it while you're both still on the title, and then you split the proceeds
I like this Idea , it also gives you a clean start. I have considered buying W out ( if it comes to that ) but think it will be better to sell and start fresh .
I can't say enough about that book. It has been hard to read, though. Very emotional. To get some of it out, I just spoke into the IC's voicemail (a suggestion that she had). I was also able to take an insanely long nap today after some Klonopin--it makes me feel like I am "rebooting" my head when it gets stuck. Not an option that I have everyday, but today it was available, so I took advantage of that.
There is still so much pain, and yes, it is much more intense when I couple it with any focus on H/the R, which I am powerless over. The holiday season is making it hard, as there are so many of my memories tied into it. I don't put the tv on with all of the commercialism. Trying to Let Go...it is a process and doesn't happen all at once, and I'm not always in that place, but it is getting better.
I can't believe that I have been at this for well over a year now, and can still be hurting so much. I am glad that I feel better right now, but I know that I have to feel the pain sometimes, too. The pain of what is. The pain of how I grew up. The pain of how I ended up here. The reality of it all.
I'm looking forward to my kids coming home--just 2 hours. I have to get something to eat, then plan to cuddle with them for a bit, maybe play a silly boardgame. I miss them when they aren't home.
On a good note--still holding the no contact. I can see now that it will take months of no contact for him to be able to get the focus off of me and really live with the consequences of his choices. Only because it is already set up, I am leaving it up to my IC to talk with him, maybe shed some light on where I am/how I got here, and how he is just as co-dependent as I--maybe she will say something that sparks an interest in him to look within. She is thinking of writing up a short synopsis / case study of our interactions, like the book has. Maybe seeing it so objectively will do something--I am actually looking forward to seeing it myself. I recognize that he will NEVER hear it from me, and that it is not my place or responsibility. He may never hear it at all, and I have to just go forward working on that assumption--let it be over.
I think that the hardest part for me has been knowing that it was a good marriage for a long time--I have so many good memories, as do the kids. No one around us saw this thing coming. Its not like I am coming to the realization that it "wasn't that bad." I was happy. The kids were happy. I may never understand what went on inside his head those last months before the affair, what the factors were that lead him to change so drastically. But this would have been easier if I could look back and see misery for everyone. It just wasn't there. So I still miss him and the life we had.
But I know that I have to go forward to find the happiness within me in this new life. There is so much positive to focus on, and I just have to live there.
I am going to be getting an advent wreath tomorrow. It will be a new tradition for the kids and me, something I lost along the way of life. We'll start bringing up the Christmas decorations this week, and get the tree on Saturday.
The three of us were watching a Disney Mickey Mouse movie about Christmas, how Pluto gets lost and is so depressed without Mickey and vice-versa. D was on my lap. When it was over it was time to go to bed.
S got up and was in a foul mood--nasty to his sister, bossy and mean. She started to cry and I had to get her to calm down, then heard him crying in his bed.
He said he doesn't want winter to come. There are just too many memories. He wants us all to be together. He doesn't want to go to school (D said she doesn't want to, either, in a sep convo). He is just so sad, and there is nothing I can do...
I said that things are different but they will be ok. It is not your fault or your sister's fault. We wish it was different, but this is the way it is, and its going to be ok.
He calmed down and fell right asleep--I can see how he shoved it back down, could almost feel it happening, as he welcomed the same sleep that I prayed for today--just to make the pain stop. As he was falling asleep, I said that I was glad that he talked with me and got it out a little bit. I also told him the days when he goes between the two homes would be the hardest as he made the adjustment, and that I felt a little bit like that, too, this weekend.
I will call the kids' C tonight and leave a message. I feel like I've been out of the loop, with H taking S the past three weeks. I want her to know.
My poor babies. I am so sorry.....I need to do all that I can to help them through this, be there for them. The guilt over this, what it will put them through, tears me apart.
I do feel for your kids , Its hard because you do your best to protect them from pain. They internalise so much as well. They will need you to be strong for them. Try to be positive around them. I try not to let mine see my down times ( that we all have ).
