I Was Almost A Walk-Away Wife (next thread)

[Dom R]

So you must be making a difference between being horny and having desire for my H.

YES! THIS is the most important point!!!

except that I think we need to temporarily eliminate the word "desire" from your vocabulary. I think that is what is making things confusing.

There is "desire" to be intimate. That is self-focused.
And then, there is a separate "want", to be intimate for the other person's benefit. I'm talking more about that, not about "desire".




Disclaimer: the following does not apply to you. you are "too far gone" right now. Keep reading through to the end for "your stuff" though.

In a regularly balanced marriage, a spouse will care about the other person, and "want to take care of their needs". they will want to make them feel nice. They will want to do nice things for them.
Doing nice things for their spouse, will make the person happy.

There is a full range of things that this covers:

"I know you like meatloaf: I will make some for you, because it makes me happy, to see you happy from something I have done"

"I know you really enjoy golf: I will give you a gift of a new shiney golf-master-2000 club, because I like seeing you happy when you open it, and I like seeing you happy when you use it".

"I know you have sore feet: I will rub your feel for you, because it makes me feel happy, when I know you feel good from me rubbing your feet"

"I know that you're hornier than a toad right now; I will ...??..., because it makes me feel happy, when I know you feel good from me ...."


ALL of these things, come from the same basic feeling of love and caring from your spouse. You may personally hate cooking, or meatloaf, but still get enjoyment from making it, because of your spouse. YOu may hate golf personally, but still get enjoyment from giving the gift of a golf club.
Rubbing stinky feet, may not be your idea of fun, but the joy of making your spouse feel good, makes it worthwhile.
The same applies, in exactly the same way, for "....".

IF, that is, you care about making them feel good.

The trouble in your case, Sandi, is that you dont care about that any more.
So...

So, now I am totally confused b/c I don't feel any of it........love, desire, horny, sex drive, attraction.....nothing except a "brotherly love". So how's that fit into your manual?

I think that the most important thing for you, is to get back that feeling of caring for your husband.
I dont think you'll get it back, until he starts meeting some of your needs.
I think that the only way that will happen, is if you have that talk with him that i suggested a few days ago.

If you two work something out in that area... THEN, I think you may become ready to tackle the sexual area later.

(i'm presuming that your drive is so far down, that sex is no longer one of your needs at the moment)