Well, I think he's shutting down as soon as I say 'gf', and accusing me of being rude and inconsiderate. He did explain to me that, from his perspective, I am trying to get barbs in. I understand that's how he feels. So, how can I express these same feelings, in a way that he can understand and hear?
I think it's a good benchmark, too. I think my saying it is going to have one of two consequences: it'll finally sink in with him, or he'll just clam up more on me. I am concerned I am getting the latter.
You know, I might have said why I was choosing not to...I don't recall. Good point...again, I think I need to make it about me being hurt, and not about him seeing someone. I think that's the big problem here. I think he hears judgment in what I'm saying, which isn't what I mean at all.
You know, I might have said why I was choosing not to...I don't recall. Good point...again, I think I need to make it about me being hurt, and not about him seeing someone. I think that's the big problem here. I think he hears judgment in what I'm saying, which isn't what I mean at all.
Weeeell.. but you are hurt.. ABOUT him seeing someone else. You're entitled to be!
And it IS a judgement. It's a judgement, that the way he treats you (by not honoring intimacy with you as exclusive intimacy), is not a way that you wish to be treated.
Again, in my opinion, this is a perfectly reasonable judgement to make!
This stuff is an "and", not an "or". Claiming that it's one but not the other, would put you on shaky ground, 'cause you'd be wrong, in my opinion
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Forgot to add. I did tell him I didn't expect him to always bring the kid down, just that I'm still feeling very panicky. (And I am avoiding MIL like the plague right now.) I had a suspicion that was asking too much.
I texted xh an apology...said I was sorry if he felt I was snippy, just that I'm feeling very hurt. (Maybe I was? Who knows...) Told him I miss spending time with him, it just hurts. I told him I wish we could take DS clothes shopping tomorrow. xh responded he would like that. I asked if we could see how I felt tomorrow, because I didn't want to start a fight if I'm in a weird mood. xh said that would be fine. (It's been nearly a week since we've hung out much at all. Maybe time to spend some nice time together, then pull back again? Sorta modified LRT? Just thinking out loud.)
So.
I already made some other plans. Seeing a movie tonight with friends. (Wow. I haven't been to the movies over a year and a half!) I've been interacting some with a guy friend, and the name seems to have caught his attention, if only just a little. I forgot, I made plans awhile back to go hiking on Sunday. I need to double-check that he can still watch the baby. I also really need to call my friend HS. Haven't spoken to her in awhile.
Eating is better. Not great, but at least I don't feel like I'm choking on the food. Appetite still kind of iffy.
Again, in my opinion, this is a perfectly reasonable judgement to make!
Okay then. How do I get around the idea he has that I'm trying to force him to give up his stupid affair? I mean, yeah, that'd be nice. But what I mean is, how I present it so that it's about my boundaries?
That's why I thought the shift toward saying "I'm really hurt".
My thought was, just spend time with xh while shopping for baby clothes, then go home. I'd imagine this would only take an hour or two. Unlike we've been doing...spending the whole weekend together. Was also thinking of timing it so that, when he does call me tomorrow, I won't be at home.
Okay then. How do I get around the idea he has that I'm trying to force him to give up his stupid affair? I mean, yeah, that'd be nice. But what I mean is, how I present it so that it's about my boundaries?
Weeel.... for starters, point out that you're not holding a gun to his head. there's no "force" involved, so claiming that you are "forcing" him, is out of line.
he'll probably bring up the baby again, that you are "forcing him" by virtue of taking away him being able to be with the baby more. At which point, you have to be prepared to re-iterate, that you are not "taking away" anything from him. That would imply you are withholding something that he is entitled to. However, as two divorced people, he is only entitled to see the baby [whatever the agreement was].
If he would like to change the situation from "two divorced 'co-parenting people'" to something else, that is his choice to make, and you would be open to discussing that with him. You might even go so far as to say that you would LIKE something better between you. It just has to be something that is mutually beneficial and acceptible to both of you. Being close to someone who is dating someone else, is not acceptible to you any more.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Well...it probably doesn't help...that we don't actually have a formal, court custody agreement. I've been thinking he and I should put together something less...fluid...
I'm kind of sorry I offered to go kid-shopping with xh tomorrow. As much as I would like to spend time with him, I feel very, very uptight about it. I will wait until tomorrow, though, as promised, to see how I feel about it...
I do recognize the feeling, tho. I didn't understand it at the time, but I used to just get overwhelming waves of it after I had found out about xow. Of course, in that case, she was pretty much already gone.
how can you have a divorce, without a custody agreement?!?! I thought that was pretty much required?!
Well, okay, I know there is one. We had to fill out the sheet. I don't remember what it says, and neither does he. I remember checking the 'joint custody' box, and something like every other day for weekdays and holidays. Neither of us knew how it was going to work, because we didn't know what xh's schedule would be like once the baby got here, or what it would really be like with a baby.
We didn't go to court. No lawyers. We'd both like to keep it that way.
But what I mean is, how I present it so that it's about my boundaries?