thats what I hope new C can do...create wiggle room. If she continues to be the way she has been the past 24-48 hours, then I cannot approach her at all with any type of conversation. I didn't get any further than 'I'm on the fence about whether me moving out is the best decision' last night, and I didn't even bring it up in conversation, she did and I was very calm about it. She is avoiding virtually any conversation or eye contact with me.
I see her on the 'edge of the cliff ready to jump at the drop of a hat'. I have been validating and listening and what she is telling me is she can't make it work with me in the house and I need to leave for awhile if there is to be any chance. Like I said, I will keep my options open, assume nothing, and lie low for the moment. Maybe she will be better tonight, maybe not.
_________________________ Me: 38 W: 36 R 16 M 12 2 kids: S6, D4 Bomb: 10/22/07 Sep: 12/11/07 My First Thread, My Story
Last night was a little better, no arguments, some small talk. No rings on W. I DB'd hard. Even though I didn't come home with signed apt lease, she never started fighting about it.
This morning before C, wife was still cold and angry. W said that I 'had her over a barrel' so she had no choice but to go to C with me. I ignored this for the most part, but validated that I was pressuring her too much lately and I'm over that now. She felt very pressured about C, she wasn't expecting it to go well. I stated I understood how it may seem that way to her but I was only trying to do the right thing and how it may help her, I thanked her for going anyway and validated that she didn't HAVE to and it was her choice to go.
W stated she felt very little hope of working out R and M. I asked what incentive do I have to move out if you are just going to file for D? She said there was a sliver of a chance that if I move out that her feelings would change in time but she didn't see any other hope.
New C was great. By the end of session, everyone agreed that I move out ASAP, C said it was the best idea considering out sitch. W said she will hold off on any sudden moves toward D and would hold off on dating for a couple of months. Found out co-workers are pressuring her to go dating but she doesn't want to. Of course they do, they know nothing about me except the negative stuff and have never met me. Honestly, it went very well. W stated she was happy we went to new C. She was so relieved that she felt guilty. Everyone agreed to give the M a chance, but even if I do everything 100% right it may still not work out. I stated that all I need is time to show that I am genuine. I would hate to throw 16 years away if we didn't have to. If we could resolve our problems, there is a potential for both of us to live a very, very happy life together and it hasn't been that way up to this point. I cannot reiterate how good the new C was!
Holding off on any more C decisions for a week or two. C was so good that she gave the W the choice to come to C when she felt comfortable with it, and approached it in such a way that I think C convinced my W that she NEEDS MC regardless of whether she wants it to save our M or not.
Now, the DB really begins...I move out next week. I got time now to do what I have to do. I feel a little better
_________________________ Me: 38 W: 36 R 16 M 12 2 kids: S6, D4 Bomb: 10/22/07 Sep: 12/11/07 My First Thread, My Story
This sounds like a really positive development! Good on'ya for keeping focused and doing the validating stuff. It sounds as if there's a result for both of you as a consequence of this meeting!
Top banana!
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Just wanted to give a quick update since this post is becoming my personal journal for now. I don't have many people I can talk to about sitch so it's helping me to cope with everything by posting.
W called me at work, FIL is doing pretty bad. She said she cancelled work tonight but had to get out of the house to unwind. She plans to get a 6-pk and visit some friends tonight. Waiting to see if her dad gets any worse. Wants to fly to visit but worried about $$. She is very distraught and I wish she could turn to me for support but I understand why she feel like she needs to get out of the house for awhile. I told her to do whatever she has to do and don't worry about $$ to fly if it comes to that. I will take kids if that happens, don't worry so much.
Got home, she was 'nice' to me, at least not angry and combative anymore. I did everything I could to make her feel as comfortable as possible. For some odd reason she asked me if it was ok for her to pick up the beer and go drink w/friends tonight. I told her she should do whatever she needs to do to reduce her stress right now. I told her I understood why she feels the need to go visit friends and 'toss a few', OF COURSE IT'S OK W/ME! I wish she didn't have to leave to do that but I understand why. Told her not to worry about me, I will not bring up R right now, her dad situation comes first. W stated she doesn't want me to use this time as an 'opportunity' for me to give physical affection. I said that no way would I think of doing that! I said if she wants a hug or something from me, feel free to ask for it. Otherwise, I'm not going to 'pressure' her. I know what I can't do and that is make her feel like I'm NOT there for her during this. I think I did pretty good but I also broke a rule. I did tell her that I deeply care about her and the way she is feeling....an ILU slipped out. I don't think it did much damage, I just felt like I needed to remind her for some reason. She didn't respond to it, but she didn't seem angry about it either.
Otherwise, I think I did a really, really good job at handing things today. She's not here right now. I told her I wouldn't be waiting up for her, I would just act as if she was working tonight. I did tell her to call me if something happened to her dad. Otherwise, stay as long as you want, don't drink and drive and I'd see her in the AM when I wake up.
Still no rings on W but according to her in MC today, it's the emotional connection to the rings that is preventing her from wearing them. As far as possibility of OM in picture...I doubt it but I don't rule it out. I'm a guy and I know how other guys think...she's vulnerable right now, but I do trust her for the most part. The only thing that is preventing me from trusting her fully is that she has absolutely no reason to tell me if there was an A right now. Like others said, there's nothing I can do different if there was one.
_________________________ Me: 38 W: 36 R 16 M 12 2 kids: S6, D4 Bomb: 10/22/07 Sep: 12/11/07 My First Thread, My Story
W came home last night around 11pm. I was sleeping on the couch. She woke me up briefly to say she was home. I was half asleep but I think she was smiling a little. W said she only had 1 beer and it was a 'bust', she started getting tired so came home.
This morning, W seemed very down. Didn't speak much to me and was a bit hard on the kids. I can see she's really in a bad emotional state. She blurted out that "she's tired of feeling angry and sad". I only said, "keep a positive attitude, things will get better. I'll be out soon and you will have a chance to chill out". IMHO W the idea of me moving out may be starting to actually hit her hard. Not sure.
W drove me to work and was very quiet. I made a little small talk but kept it brief. Saw she was a wreck. She mentioned that she felt like she was about to have a 'breakdown' and she never felt so alone in her life. I replied, "You are NOT alone, it may seem that way but you have your kids, your friends, and believe it or not you have ME if you want". "Take care of yourself today".
Trying to keep PMA but it's hard. I just keep thinking to myself that this S is not my choice. I felt that before bomb, I was starting to finally enjoy life and M. I'm potentially losing EVERYTHING in my life. The only thing I have right now is my job, my kids (although I dread being away from them) and my sanity (trying to keep a grip on this). All our dreams of the past were coming to fruition, wife was GAL for once and I was so happy only 6 weeks ago. This SUCKS!
I have a couple of questions:
1) How do I act during my move out? I'm going to move things out slowly over the next week. I guess I should just keep a PMA? Is there anything I need to pay specific attention to or anything specific I need to do?
2) She previously mentioned something about purchasing a computer/laptop for email/internet (because I'm taking all of them with me) and I know I can put a desktop PC together afor her and set it up over the next few days to get her by, save her $$. Should I do this as a gesture of goodwill or let her figure it out for herself?
3) She mentioned a few weeks ago that she wanted a 'do over'. I feel the same and was thinking that if our M survives, I want to have a second wedding (our first was pretty lame). I wonder if I should mention this before I move out? I know it's R/M talk but I've read in another book a 'tactic' of 'bribing' the S with something they may want to see that repairing the M may have a positive outcome. Any thoughts?
_________________________ Me: 38 W: 36 R 16 M 12 2 kids: S6, D4 Bomb: 10/22/07 Sep: 12/11/07 My First Thread, My Story
as far as question 2, not really. My intention was to put hardware together over weekend and 'suprise her' with it, basically offer it to her and if she wants to use it she can give input on what software to put on it (MS Office, photo printing software, etc). Part of my job (and hobbies) is system admin, computers, networking, electronics. I have piles of what she wants and the expertise to do it, just wondering if I should offer it and how to go about it.
_________________________ Me: 38 W: 36 R 16 M 12 2 kids: S6, D4 Bomb: 10/22/07 Sep: 12/11/07 My First Thread, My Story
and I'd see her in the AM when I wake up.