CVA - Moving On

[Nomopo]

Sounds like what everyone gets confused about is leaving the door open for reconciliation and does that imply you are still in love with that person or just knowing feelings can change OR that you would still do anything to get your spouse back.

I think the key distinction is (1) the door being open to reconciliation vs (2) hoping to reconcile. And when you think you are past the hoping for part, give yourself a few more months to see if the hope comes back. It can. Basically, before trusting any emotion, give if time.

In my case, have resolved myself to the idea we are getting divorced, if anything happens otherwise it will definitely be a suprise to me. SO, if that is true, I am going to be setting up my life to be without my W.

Well, do YOU want a D? If still not, that is an important fact/distinction.

WOuld I still want to reconcile, for many reasons yes.

Oh, you answered it. So, you need to accept that D may be a reality, and prepare yourself mentally for it, but you also need to just take time to be, to heal, etc. And as far as "setting up your life to be without W," you really don't need to do ANYTHING to bring a D about. Don't fight it, but don't make it happen either. That may be the pusher in you coming out. It was in me, until Sunny made me understand that. It's ok to stand still for awhile.

I can see now that it takes time to heal, whatever that means.

I think we will all know once we are on the "healed" side. But I believe it means something. It is real, not just words.

In my mind, you are fooling yourself if you think you can walk away too and be fine with everything...that is stuffing your feelings. THis stuff is too painful to just one day wake up and go, "oh, I'm good with it, I'm good with seeing my spouse with someone else, dating, getting married, having my kids rasied by someone I dont know that could damage them"....toooooo much not to still have strong feelings about.

Two points - there's a difference between fine and good (you used both words). I think you can be "fine," or in other words accept what has happened, but may never like it. You do become less angry, hurt, etc. over time. You become more indifferent. Second, you don't just "one day wake up." That's what is meant by taking time. So, over the course of time (many months, maybe years) you will almost certainly be "fine" with what happens.

COMPLETELY detach from W to the extent I can given the factors above, and not waste what could be the rest of my life.

That's fine, but just be awaring of things you think, say, do that advance the D (which you admittedly don't want). Don't push. Stand down. Stand still for a bit. It's ok. Just be.

not at bars or whatever

Lots of people our age do meet out at bars, these days. Just an FYI.

I am good at planning

Andy pushing?

and really have failed at it for the last 9 months.

I don't see that.

Nomo