If you could be completely loved by a man, but sexual desire was absent, would that be an acceptable state of relational existence for you?
-NOPkins-
I am late but I thought I would throw my opinion in here. I have a few relationships with men where they have no sexual desire for me but since they are family and friends I know that does not count.
So to be clear in how I "hear" the question - would being in a marriage or romantic relationship where sexual desire for me was completely absent be an acceptable state of marital or romantic existence? Absolutely not.
Let me now modify the question slightly for the ladies.
Which is more important to you, a) being loved or b) being sexually desired.
Thanks for participating.
-NOPkins-
For me this is like asking what is more important to you a) having eyesight or b) having hearing? Thought provoking and creates interesting conversation and yet I would never want to be in a position to actually have to choose which is most important.
For me love and sexual desire are equal parts of a good marriage. So being sexually desired is more about the fact that married couples should feel sexual toward each other and not because I need validation of how I look or how my partner feels about me.
Also for me since I was definitely attracted to Raven a lot during our initial courtship ( ) I feel that it is as much my responsibility as his to keep myself attracted to him in the long term. I consistently look to all his great qualities and remind him and myself as often as I can of WHY I find him so incredibly attractive. When I look at him or think about him, I focus on his best qualities. I remind myself of what I love about him and what I find attractive about him. I don't focus on his faults (which are very few ). I know I don't like when people focus on mine!! (To be clear I don't mean ignoring faults or issues and not dealing with them; I just mean that I don't dwell on them or make them larger than life)
While I do not believe that I could will myself into finding any man attractive, I do believe it is possible to maintain and build your attraction for your partner (assuming it was there at some point) as it is possible to eliminate the attraction. I think it really depends on where you focus your energy and thoughts.
P.S. Hi IC and Go Bucks!!!
ETA: I still occasionally see my XH and I do not feel any sexual attraction to him. There's nothing "wrong" with him; I just feel like I turned off the idea of looking at him in "that" way. If that makes ANY sense at all...
Last edited by fearless; 11/30/0705:06 PM.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
THATS IT ???? Here I've been torturing myself for 13 days awaiting the razzing that I was to receive from Fearless...the Buckeye fan from hell and THATS IT... "Hi IC and Go Bucks !!!" Sheesh !! I got more abuse from Corri ! It's kind of like that build up to an orgasm that never happens.
Interesting that you use an analogy of the buildup to an orgasm that never happens to the idea of the Wolverines losing to the Buckeyes yet again.
If we hadn't lost that stupid game to Illinois (Raven and I were there for it all) the week before, the 6th win in 7 years against the Wolverines would definitely have been analogous to an orgasm for OSU football fans!!!
Just promise me that the Wolverines will manage to win their bowl game this year. (Yeah I know we lost horribly last year but that was the exception if you look at the past 5 years!!)
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
THATS IT ???? Here I've been torturing myself for 13 days awaiting the razzing that I was to receive from Fearless...the Buckeye fan from hell and THATS IT... "Hi IC and Go Bucks !!!" Sheesh !! I got more abuse from Corri ! It's kind of like that build up to an orgasm that never happens.
Kind of like that build up to the first time we had sex and I got to see Mr. Happy Thats it ???? {As Miss IC high fives Journey, Southern Girl , Fearless and the rest of group that IC has picked on}
The questions were no great scientific study, rather they are based on the assertions of a particular psychologist.
Many of you that have been here for a while may recall my oft used analogy of the sex starved marriage and the process loop. Interestingly, this psychologist/author uses a similar construct - process/content in order to describe where a person is along their "life path" for lack of a better phrase.
The author's name is Dr. Herb Goldberg, and the name of the book is "What Men Still Don't Know About Women, Relationships, And Love"
He asserts that the " woman in process"... "at her worst"... "While she may act sexually responsive and aroused, hers is a fragile interest in sex that can easily be made a low priority. Being loved, not being sexually desired, is her motive". (p54)
Of additional interest, he claims that women who consider themselves "in touch" via feministic qualities, are actually out-of-touch in many ways, one of them is particularly interesting; "She is out-of-touch with her sexism, which is every bit as intense as men's objectification of women. Men are attractive, sexy and desirable to her to the degree that they are powerful and successful. A man is a success object, who is attractive to the extent that he can be a rescuer, a protector, and a provider. None of these necessarily have any connection to his qualities as a person-the thing that most women believe is the major priority." (p48)
Anyone have an opinion?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I think it ALL has more to do with 'degree of respect'(for other AND self) than anything else. Demonstrative respect, to me, is honesty and trust. (for other AND self).
Takes a lot of awareness. And courage.
Speaking for myself, I respect various people for various reasons who I do not trust.
There are people I trust in certian situations that I absolutely positively do not respect as human beings.
Back to Trust, many..most? all? reasonably clued in marriage counselors recommend not trusting your Spouse. I demonstrated I didnt trust x. Heck I told her to her face prior to the affair. That made her more then slightly angry....
So Im not really understanding how trust and honesty are demonstrative of respect for other. Like Nops thread on confabulation pointed out, truth is highly fluid depending on your varying emotional state.
Respect is earned. Giving it to someone because of your attraction for them is pretty dishonest to them and yourself. MO as a man.
He asserts that the " woman in process"... "at her worst"... "While she may act sexually responsive and aroused, hers is a fragile interest in sex that can easily be made a low priority. Being loved, not being sexually desired, is her motive". (p54)
Woman in process? What does that mean? And if she isn't in process? What is a 'woman in process' at her best like?
Quote:
"She is out-of-touch with her sexism, which is every bit as intense as men's objectification of women. Men are attractive, sexy and desirable to her to the degree that they are powerful and successful. A man is a success object, who is attractive to the extent that he can be a rescuer, a protector, and a provider. None of these necessarily have any connection to his qualities as a person-the thing that most women believe is the major priority."
I know women like that.
But to a greater or lesser degree, men and women do that to one another, on different levels, when looking for a mate. For example... I may love you, but I don't want to live in poverty. I may love you, but I don't want to marry a drunk. I may love you, but I don't want to marry a woman who hates children...
So I guess I'm a bit confused with the significance... ???
Speaking for myself, I respect various people for various reasons who I do not trust. There are people I trust in certian situations that I absolutely positively do not respect as human beings.
Are you referring to women in particular, or were you not referring to gender? I was specifically referring to a partner or spouse... if that helps.
Quote:
Back to Trust, many..most? all? reasonably clued in marriage counselors recommend not trusting your Spouse. I demonstrated I didnt trust x. Heck I told her to her face prior to the affair. That made her more then slightly angry....
Shrug. Depends on the person, then, I guess. I can tell you right now, if I don't trust that my partner won't hurt me or not treat me in a degrading manner during sex... it ain't happening. Period. And he won't be my partner very long, either.
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So Im not really understanding how trust and honesty are demonstrative of respect for other.
Welp... if you're having problems in the R, I think it's best to tell your partner where you are at... as honestly as you can, and be truthful with yourself and them what time frame and limit all are dealing with... out of respect for both of you... rather than just up and leave. Or let your anger and resentment build.
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Like Nops thread on confabulation pointed out, truth is highly fluid depending on your varying emotional state.
Obviously. And it's usually situational, as well. But if you don't even try to deliver your truth, in an honest, caring manner... what the heck is the point?
I suppose if one is an island, it doesn't really matter.
) I feel that it is as much my responsibility as his to keep myself attracted to him in the long term. I consistently look to all his great qualities and remind him and myself as often as I can of WHY I find him so incredibly attractive. When I look at him or think about him, I focus on his best qualities. I remind myself of what I love about him and what I find attractive about him. I don't focus on his faults (which are very few 
). I know I don't like when people focus on mine!! (To be clear I don't mean ignoring faults or issues and not dealing with them; I just mean that I don't dwell on them or make them larger than life)
Thats it ???? {As Miss IC high fives Journey, Southern Girl , Fearless and the rest of group that IC has picked on}
