WAW says "I'm filing for D", but no papers

[Heimlich]

I'm not trying to be facetious or cruel here. Everything you wrote. Yes. Absolutely true. To your W, she doesn't care.

BTW, one of the questions on the sheet I mentioned was "do you FEEL that he is abusing you?" I get that her feelings are real. But just because someone FEELS abused, does not mean it is really occurring. I see there is no difference to the subject. They FEEL it, therefore it is REAL to them. But just because a person FEELs it, doesn't mean that feeling is coming from MY ACTIONS.

Her feelings are what are important here. What I'm trying to get across is to try to understand how she got to where she is. I said a lot about taking ownership of my role in the M failure after she told me of the A, then did not a damn thing about it. An undercurrent of blame towards your W runs through your thread. That's fair to feel that way, at times I do to. Our W's decided to turn away from us to other men. Now, figure out why. How DOES SHE FEEL? This isn't about you. It's about her. The most valuable exercise I did was around an apology. I thought long and hard about how my actions made her feel. Not what my intentions were with my actions, but what MY actions caused her to feel. It took a while, but it finally clicked. I reread it last week, and it was painful to realize how much pain I had inflicted on her that got her to the point that she prefered to not be with me. I'll never understand why she pulled the trigger and didn't tell ME she felt that way, but I understand, for the most part, how she got there.

I may be overlooking something, but I don't think you have that empathy for your W. Love and a spirit ready to forgive, yes. Accepting blame for your part in this . . . maybe not totally.

BD