HELP! Can't take the way H talks to me!!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Do I just tell him that is unacceptable and tell him I won't respond to him if he addresses me that way? Or do I just detach and try to keep as little contact with him as possible?

You have come up with two really good ideas on your own. You know your H better than anyone here...even if you do not really know him right now. Which one do you think will work?

If one doesn't you can always try the other.

With change start small, rather than more drastic measures. And remember you need to be consistent.

A man who will talk that way to the mother of his children, sets a horrible example for those children latter on in their life.

[not an ex yet]

I read through most of the resources at the top of this forum and have to say that the descriptions fit my H to a T!!!!

My H is a bit younger than the "typical" (if there is such a thing) MLCer, so some of the appearance changes don't fit him, but everything else is exactly on the spot!

On the age thing, I feel like he is trying to go back and live the college years that most people experience. When I met him, I had just graduated college and he (being a couple years younger than myself) was still living at home and working but never went to college. He was 20 and I was 23. Our relationship moved very quickly and within a year we were living together and I got pregnant (not planned!).

At that time he seemed so mature for his age. He was so excited and convinced ME that we could do this and be a family and it was going to be wonderful...and it was, up until the last year.

We, or I guess mostly HE, has alot of friends in the 23-26 age range who are still in school, single, don't have to work much, and still party all the time. I have been there, done that. I think he thinks he missed out on all that and sees it as MY fault...so here we are.

Didn't have any contact with him yesterday except for a very short phone call. I called him to see if he was picking up the kids from school since Wed. are usually his evenings with the kids. He hasn't done it for the last few weeks b/c of a work deadline. The project is finished so I thought he would go back to his Mon. and Wed. I called him on my way to their school and he said he had a meeting that night so he couldn't. I asked him if he planned on telling me and he said, "I just did!" I said, "OK that is all I needed, bye." Short and sweet. I wish I hadn't asked him if he planned to tell me, but oh well. He makes it impossible for me to make plans b/c he is so unreliable and is too stubborn to let me know anything in advance! GRRRR.

[not an ex yet]

Journaling:
NC with H yesterday. At 9:30 the kids were still not asleep and D3 was screaming and throwing a fit b/c she wanted to watch a movie and I said no. She was so tired but would not stop screaming!
Then S6 started crying and wouldn't tell me why. Later he told me b/c they learned about fire safety at school and he is afraid that our house is going to start on fire now.
I was trying to calm them down, but they were both crying hysterically and D3 said she wanted her daddy to come over.
I was about to lose it and called H. As soon as he answered I regretted it. I told him both the kids were crying and wouldn't go to sleep.
I asked him if he could come over. He said he would but it would be about a half an hour b/c he was going to go home and shower and put pj's on. At first I said, "never mind, I will take care of it. I shouldn't have called." He said, "WTF! do you want me to come over or not?" I said, "of course I want you to, but it is up to you. I can take care of it and I'm sorry I called." He said he would come by. By the time he got there we were all sleeping in my bed. I woke up when he came in and we put the kids in their beds and he spent the night. He didn't talk or touch me all night.
Left this morning with the usual half assed goodbye kiss.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

NAEY,

How are you doing? Holding up well?
Do you have the strength and patience to do this, you think? Cause that is what it takes.

Going to touch on a few things you wrote:

I wish I hadn't asked him if he planned to tell me, but oh well. He makes it impossible for me to make plans b/c he is so unreliable and is too stubborn to let me know anything in advance! GRRRR

Glad you noticed that the comment you made was a bad idea. Learn from it. It was a guilt thing. MLCers don't do guilt well, they respond horribly to it. Deserved or not, curb that or kill the desire outright.

He is unreliable, count on that. If you are going to count on anything from him count on him being unreliable.

You are going to need to be stronger for your children. Break down after you take care of them, when they cannot see you. Problems with the children (I believe) will be seen as a trap/trick to have him spend time with you.

NAEY, you are going to have to cowgirl up.
This isn't an easy ride.

Stop reaching out to him to fix things.

I am sorry for this. Down the road you might see that this time is a crappy gift to work on yourself and do things you want to do, right now that is little comfort. But it can be true if you let it.

After your night last night, does my advice make sense, seeing how last night played out with the calls and contact you made?

[not an ex yet]

Jack,
Yes, your advice makes perfect sense and it is exactly what I needed!! Thank you for being straight with me, I think I have been waiting for a response like that all along.

You are absolutely right...even if it is legit, I know he sees my requests for help with the kids as manipulative. He has even admitted that.

Also, about not reaching out to him to fix things: that was one of his criticisms when he left, that I was too co-dependent. He thinks I am not capable of doing things on my own. I know that is not true, but I need to show him that, not tell him.

Thank you so much, you have no idea how much you just helped me.

So if I may ask, what is your sitch? Do you have a thread out here? I have noticed you have given many people here alot of great advice, but I haven't run across anything explaining where it comes from.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

So if I may ask, What is your sitch?

No you may not.

: )

Just kididng, I love it when people use that in speech, it is very polite but no one waits for the answer.

My sitch...

I have like 99 pages if you click on my name in a thread and click view posts.

I don't recommend it though. It is a very long read, and most of the time I am being silly or very naive on other peoples threads...and hugely naive on my very own thread.

I did a very short recap on DadNotQuitting's Does the MLC W Ever Come Back. It is short and sweet.

And I will never consider my marriage 'fixed' or 'saved' because I never want to be complacent again. I never want to take it for granted.

[not an ex yet]

I just read the quick recap in DNQ's thread. I have to utmost respect for those who are able to walk away, hurting, yet not giving in to the WAS. I am glad that things have been going well for you for awhile now!

I know what I have to do. I know (at least I think I do) what to say, how to act, etc. It seems like when the time comes, I do sometimes say the right things, or do the right things...then I panic at his response and turn around and do the wrong thing.

Here is a thought. I was thinking about him saying that I needed to start thinking before I talk and that I need to slow down. He said that several times..."SLOW DOWN." Do you think he was trying (very rudely I might add) to tell me to back off and give him the time and space to figure this all out? I kept asking for examples of what he was talking about. I was asking about what I did that particular night that he was referring to. He said, "it doesn't have to be about tonight...just think and slow down." He said that half of the things I ask I could answer myself if I would just pay attention. Do you think he was talking about us?
Sometimes I do ask him stupid questions about random things, mostly just for the sake of conversation or small talk? I told him that, and he said it didn't come off that way. I wonder if he was talking about these kinds of things or our R? Any thoughts? Am I just overanalyzing? I'm just wondering if there was something behind all his comments that night, or if he was just being an a$$hole!

He is horrible at communicating his feelings, which was most of our problem in the past. He would just go along with whatever I wanted or said, and would never speak up if he had other plans or ideas. He was just the "I don't care, whatever you want to do" kind of guy. Apparently he was slowly building up resentment about what he wasn't "getting" to do and I had no idea he was even wanting anything else.

It's time to get tough!! No more tears or guilt...I can do this!!! Why is it so scary?!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Because the unknown is scary.
Because someone else having control is scary.
Right now you think that he has control of your marriage, that your waiting for him to make up his mind. : )
The day you realize that standing for your marriage is all about you having control. You can stand or walk away, it isn't scary anmore.

Part of this process is determining what YOU did to contribute to the downfall of your marriage as well.
Is there any truth to what he says? I don't know, you need to look with a harsh light at yourself.

You will overanalyze things, most of us did/do.

that I was too co-dependent.
...
He said that half of the things I ask I could answer myself
...
Sometimes I do ask him stupid questions about random things, mostly just for the sake of conversation

ANY truth there to the co-dependant idea? Especially if youur self esteem has taken hits? What was once a strong sense of self has been diminshed, you get that back and you will not be or seem co-dependant.

but I need to show him that, not tell him.

Bravo.
Never tell them, always let them see your strengths.
Its like "trust me." The person who says that should be regarded with skepticism.

[not an ex yet]

I am definitely aware that I had a huge role in the downfall of our marriage! I took ALOT of things for granted! I didn't realize it, until he stopped doing things.

Co-dependent??? Hmmmmm. I honestly do not see myself that way. I have lived on my own, always been responsible for our finances, bill paying, grocery shopping, cleaning etc... I have travelled alone, bought vehicles alone...I think I can take care of myself pretty well. I know these aren't huge things (I am thinking of a friend of mine, who is scared to death to do some of these things). He has done construction since he was a child, so he can build, fix and design just about anything. I got used to that, and probably relied on him too much to take care of those kinds of things. He was a better cook than I am, so I probably relied on him too much to cook. I can understand why he would say that b/c of the way I acted sometimes, but I know that I can take care of myself.

[not an ex yet]

So here is something interesting that just happened!

I was planning on going to a party that a girlfriend of mine is having tonight. I called H this morning to see if he could watch kids tonight if I went. He said yes.

He called me when he left work and told me he was on his way. I told him not to hurry b/c I am still feeling pretty crappy from this cold and wasn't sure if I was still going. He said he would call me when he got in town. (he works a little over an hour away from where we live)

Anyway, I decided that I am not going to the party. H called me about 6:00 and asked if I was going. I told him no, I am staying home. He said, "OK, well is it OK if I go to (name of bar) and have a few beers?" He was very pleasant for a change. I said yes. I think he realized what he said and then right away said, "I am going to stay here for a couple beers." He was with his brother and SIL so I'm sure they noticed the slip of him asking for permission. I'm sure it was just that...a slip, but it felt good to hear that again like we were a "real" married couple again.