D Pretrial was Monday, and I didn't attend. My atty informed me that it went pretty well though, and that the judge didn't seem very happy with my W. W's atty has formally and officially withdrawn from the case, and W is now representing herself. Apparently the judge was getting frustrated with W and finally did get her to concede (relunctantly, I understand) that our house is my separate property. So, that was a major victory. Also, my atty said he's quite confident that the judge will not award my W any alimony or the $1000/month child support she is requesting. In fact, he doesn't think W will be awarded any child support money.
My atty has sent W an email with my settlement proposal, and I'm waiting to hear her response. If she's smart and is willing to fold to a hand that is obviously better than hers, she will take the offer. If she doesn't (i.e. if she's playing "pot committed"), she's going to come out of this with some substantial debt. It sucks, but it will be her choice. I'm just protecting what's rightfully mine at this point.
I have no desire to reconcile with W at this point. I'm really looking foward to getting this D over with and moving on. I will not take W back at this point. I'm still open to reconciliation, but not until she can demonstrate that she wants me for me and my changes, and not as a meal ticket, fall back, etc. Also, she will have to jump through the hoops of fire that I see are necessary (i.e. make changes in herself, her communication with me, etc), and do so for a long, yet indefinite amount of time, before I will even consider it. Her recent behaviors have helped me to truly let go of her. I'm better off without her -- no question.
I don't blame her for leaving me. Hell, I think it was the right thing to do (and I think I would've done it too if I were in her shoes). However, I do blame her for not doing everything in our power to give our R/M and our family a chance (i.e. IC, MC, longer separation period, etc). I accept that this is the way things are though, and that I did everything I could for me, her, and my family, in order to save our M. I can move on without guilt. I have forgiven myself, and I'm going to be great!
GALing:
I'm going on a date tonight with my new friend. We're going out for dinner and drinks, then on to a Dane Cook comedy show (I got front row seats). This is the woman that I had over with her S3 a few weeks ago for dinner and a kid's playdate. We've been talking on the phone off and on for the last few weeks, and I think we've both really enjoyed the conversation and the pace of things. No R talk, no expectations. Just hanging out and enjoying one another's company. No kissing, affection, etc, but that could change at anytime. I think we're both interested, but I'm definitely into taking it sloooooooowwwwwwwwwwww. I have NO DOUBT that she feels the same way.
THANKS TO EVERYONE AND ANYONE WHO REPLIES -- I PROMISE TO DO WHATEVER I CAN TO SUPPORT, PROVIDE ADVICE, ETC., TO THOSE WHO DO SO FOR ME, AND TO DO WHAT I CAN FOR ALL OTHERS TOO! I CAN TELL THAT THE COMMUNITY HERE IS SINCERE AND VERY EMPATHETIC! THANKS AGAIN!
A quote from you, how far you've come!
You've done exactly what you said.
cire
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
I don't blame her for leaving me. Hell, I think it was the right thing to do (and I think I would've done it too if I were in her shoes).
When I look back at my own situation, my wife leaving me (jury is still out on necessity of actually divorcing me) is one of the best things that has occurred to me, in a way. I still fall back on old habits and give her cause to wonder if I've done any changing. I still spout off my mouth without thinking. And I still have times I worry of being hurt again. But overall I think I see things better now. I realize the times that I'm being self-centered and not thinking about her needs or showing my wife that I love her. I am quicker to see when I'm wrong, even if it sometimes still takes me an hour or two...at least it isn't days and days or never. I think about things like love languages, listening, and validation that weren't part of my lexicon before. I actually finding myself recognizing the few times my wife will say, "that shirt doesn't go with those pants" or something as a venusian way of saying ILY.
It's obvious you have all the tools. You've done all the homework. You write to others and point out to them how they can see things from their spouses perspective. You'll get a great relationship some day and make a great partner.
Now that the flattery is out of the way I'll tell you the main point of this post. Don't be so skeptical or hardnosed about the hoops that need jumping through for reconciliation. If the day comes that she ever wants back....don't be quick to smack her down because you haven't seen the changes you want. When my XW asked about trying again, I was pretty skeptical. Actually, I figured she would retract it. She worked through her stuff for a while. Then, together, and individually she worked on herself, while we were together. Actually, of the two of us, she's the better DBer and has changed more from the old wife than I changed from the old husband. I feel like a slacker when I consider that. So, at least hear her out.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thank you for that, my friend. I was really moved by it when I read it -- sorry I didn't let you know sooner how much it meant to me. Again, thank you!
JM,
I don't know if you'll end up reading any of this, but I do want you to know that although I didn't see eye to eye with you when I first arrived, I value your insight a great deal now. Whenever I see you post to someone, I make sure and read what you've said. Doing so helps keep me in line.
Quote:
When I look back at my own situation, my wife leaving me (jury is still out on necessity of actually divorcing me) is one of the best things that has occurred to me, in a way.
I feel the exact same way. This was absolutely necessary for helping me to extract my head from my ass. I don't think I would've ever changed if she hadn't left and stuck with it. A necessary evil. Extremely wide spectrum of positive and negative results.
Quote:
It's obvious you have all the tools. You've done all the homework. You write to others and point out to them how they can see things from their spouses perspective. You'll get a great relationship some day and make a great partner.
I appreciate you saying this, and thankfully I know you're right about your last sentence.
Quote:
Now that the flattery is out of the way I'll tell you the main point of this post. Don't be so skeptical or hardnosed about the hoops that need jumping through for reconciliation. If the day comes that she ever wants back....don't be quick to smack her down because you haven't seen the changes you want.
Maybe I shouldn't be, but I can pretty much say that I don't believe she's ever going to come back. Ever. It's okay -- it is what it is, but based on this last year and what I know about my W, I can honestly say this is it between us. Hopefully we'll be on more pleasant terms someday, but right now that's just not a possibility (esp for her -- more on that in a minute).
Thanks again, JM -- and please don't stop posting to the newcomers here. You really are a huge benefit to them, whether some of them realize it or not. Your swift kicks in the ass were good for me
SD,
Thanks for your thoughts, brotha -- things are going pretty well in terms of the D. And on that note...
Update:
So, the day has come. By the time many of you read this, I will either be in the middle of my D trial or will have already settled the case w/ my W. At the end of the day on Friday, I will officially be divorced. Many emotions have already swarmed me for the last couple of days -- relief, excitement, fear, remorse, sadness, anger, etc. I'm sure tomorrow will be the worst, but I know everything will be okay and will work itself out in the long run.
I met with my atty today to finalize all of the trial prep in case we end up going to trial tomorrow. My W did say via email yesterday that she would accept my settlement offer (but not without some very crass and sarcastic comments in saying so). However, she put in one little stipulation that really rubbed me the wrong way. She knows that I'm thinking of moving about 20-30 miles out of town next summer. It's a secluded, wooded area, and I want to buy a few acres of land and either an already built log home or build one myself. She is really angry with me for wanting to do this, and tried to put a stipulation in the decree that states I can't move out of the county we're currently in. I had my atty revise it to say I can live within 30 miles of the county line (which is right outside of town). If she doesn't accept this, then my settlement offer will go out the window and we'll let the judge decide things tomorrow.
My atty says that the judge won't have a problem with me moving out to the area mentioned above, and unfortunately my W is going to get a pretty raw deal if we go to trial tomorrow. I hope she still takes the settlement offer. Was hoping to hear back from her today on whether or not she will accept it, but she might just wait until tomorrow morning to do so (or she actually intends on going to trial). She's representing herself at this point, and has already annoyed the judge on two separate occasions.
Anyway, it looks like I'll be getting everything I want (my house, toys, inheritance money, etc) and then some if we go to trial, and for the settlement I'll getting everything I want minus a little bit of cash I offered her to help get her on her feet for the future. Sadly, she may just end up blowing it, but at least she can't say I didn't give her the means to start out independent from the time of divorce. I've helped her out so much already over the last year, I really didn't feel obligated to go out of my way anymore than I did with the cash offer. She's feeling screwed, but I can't say I honestly believe she even deserves what I offered her.
So, basically I think she hates me now (and who knows how long that will last -- maybe forever), and although I still love her I have to say that her horrible behavior over the last year has progressively made it easier for me to let go and be okay with moving on. It probably is for the best if she's going to continue being this kind of person. I can do better than that, but I still would've liked to have given it my all with the new changes for the kids' sake -- for the family's sake. Those dreams are dashed, and I'll just have to make the best of the present and future.
I'll let everyone know how it went when I get a chance tomorrow.
I can't believe this is finally coming to an end. What a crazy ride...
Your in my prayrers tonight. Stand tall you did what you could, it still doesn't mean your over. From what I read, you are done, however, you have kids there, and this will require some type of relationship. So don't dismiss everything because a court says your D'ed. Hold your ground tomorrow, dont' give in. You will prevail, but also don't quit.
I really questioned writing this but I have to, she is the mother of those children. Treat her as such, even if you move on. I know you will.
GD, it has indeed been a really crazy ride. So much has happened to you, you have changed and grown incredibly. I genuinely admire the man you have become. The D day might be tough even if you knew it was coming, so if you get hit with sadness, take your time to mourn. Nothing much to add, just letting you know I have been following your sitch and I am pulling for you. Today you will be in my prayers too ...
And yes, JM please keep posting, your honest and not so sugar-coated assessments are invaluable for this site and for me.
I've never actually gone back and read all of your threads, but I can tell the difference in you from the time I got on here in late June. If I were a chick . . .
Best,
BD
PS. JM, keep posting if you've the energy. As you know, folks get into a groupthink mode now and again here. Never hurts to kick that pile apart. Plus, you're gentler than OT.
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
