Good that you are trying not to assume anything. If he is MLC, this will take very very long. And even if he's not, it will take a long time for him to earn your trust back. A friend who has successfully been piecing for over a year now says she did it by blind faith in her H. Absolutely no questioning.
I think you are doing the right thing - and doing it very well. Keep at it.
Thanks, SH. Yesterday was a better day. We talked on the phone. I asked in a good mood tone, "hey, do you miss me?" "Yes, of course." without hestitation. I do not sense that he is hiding some part of the speech (like "but i miss her too", "but i am lying right now and she is right next to me" you get the idea). And he is doing stuff to help with the move, which is good.
i dont' know how your friend can have no questions and blind faith. that is SO tough. wish I can be that.
It takes time even after you get back together for them to settle in...and believe it or not for them to feel "safe" with you again...remember as wacked and crazy as their thinking is/was those feelings that they were having were very real to them...and you have to at least respect that whether you agree or not... You also will have feelings of doubt...feelings of "what if" but those are YOUR feelings and just like he has to deal with his feelings...you have to deal with yours... I think it is pretty normal what you are describing of H's behavior...he is probably having his own doubts...just give him space...be supportive...and deal with your doubts in silence for now...it isn't blind faith it is just working through the crap for a while... There might even be times where you will question if you did/are doing the right thing...I think this is normal as well....and H will have the same...it is best if you both don't feel that way at once but if you do be sure and institute a 48 hour rule...if only for yourself... piecing is very hard work...I won't lie about that...but things can be very rewarding if it works out in the end...
Thanks, Lin, Yes, H did say once that he is happy about his decision (to stay), but he has doubts about other (probably the way he treated OW, who knows what it is). I certainly have my doubts if he can ever cut all the connections and as such, if I am just wasting my time. I did tell him if he does not intend to stay with me, don't waste my time and he agrees that yes, he should not waste my time. We had a talk (a month ago) on where he sees us in 1 year, 3 years. And he said he sees us together. Thanks for the advice on keeping silent for now. It is hard to do but actually it is easier at this point since he is not home. We only talk for less than an hour each day so I can keep my spirit up for that long. And I can keep my misery to myself when I am not on the phone. Funny I got hit with emotions today about our future and that he may be spending the same amount of time talking to OW and I cried. I have not cried for a while, being so numb to the whole thing. It is very nice to be on posting on the board again so I can get lots of encouragement and support. THANKS to everyone.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
((hugs)) It is scary to be away from them and know that they could be spending time communicating with OW...truth is, they could be doing that anytime, anywhere. It's natural for me to feel panic about that too...hang on to your plan for the future, hang on to his actions and the fact that he wants you to move with him. Let the emotions wash over and then away from you.
Another tough day with lots of negative thoughts. H seems to be very busy at work and is not calling me much. We seem to be going back to talking about business again, as opposed to saying "I miss you, you miss me" type of talk. We both are not very romantic people so most of our conversation was about kids, what you did during the day, etc. Which is normal but now I am reading too much into it again (like we are talking like business associates or just normal friends).
Had dinner with H's sisters. I suspect one of H's sister knows about the A since she is very close to my MIL and my MIL knows about the A. My SIL has been extra nice to me, helping me to take care of the kids whenever I need to go out. Really going the extra mile for me. Another SIL (who definitely does not know) said it's amazing that I got skinnier and prettier years after getting married. Other women she knows all got more plump. I said may be because they are happy :-) The SIL whom I suspect knows about A did not comment on my comment at all. The "did not know" SIL complained that her H talks too much. I said, well, at least you know what he is feeling. Both SIL then said my H is always very closed, nothing said other than "I am fine." We all agreed that something in the middle would be nice, ha ha.
I will be visiting H in a few days at the town where he works. Hopefully my negative feeling will pass and we can have a good time. Now I'd better get off this computer and go study :-)
Hang in there OC - just keep remebering your thoughts are just thoughts. Don't over analyze - you will drive yourself crazy!! Make the visit with H VERY POSITIVE - make him wanting more!!!
Take care of YOU!!!
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
I am going to meet H at where we be moving to, a house hunting trip. Wish me luck. I am trying to keep my PMA, and I will need a lot of that!!! Have been having second thoughts as to why I am moving as I feel like I am giving up a lot (my career, my education, families/friends whom I come to miss a lot after moving back to the home town).
I was talking to a friend. I told her that H is coming back to help me pack, probably because he does not think I am capable of doint it alone so wants to help (it is a major move so LOTS of things to do). And our whole family is also moving early because H wants to fly with us but his work needs him back quick. So we will be leaving earlier than the new year. My friend said, may be H wants to do all these because he wants to make sure I DO MOVE!!! Ha, never thought of it that way. I think it's kinda funny.
My exams are DONE, YEAH!!!! Yesterday after final, we were all relieved so our class team went for a drink. We were chatting and I commented how I got my master degree 10 years ago when my belly was huge, ready to give birth any minute. They looked at me funny and asked how old I am. I said 39. (most of these MBA students are early 30's). The guy next to me said he always thought I am in my early 30's and they all agreed. I was so flattered and happy. Makes my day. I will miss going to school. Calls me weird, I like school life and studying.
Gotta go pack for my trip. May not be online soon. I will miss you all for a while. Chat later
Update on me. I am here now, far far away from my home town, house hunting for a new place to live. Well, we found a place that we like, so that's great. Anyway it's only rental so I am not very picky. I have been trying very hard to keep up PMA while I am with H. So far I am mostly OK. On the second day I was here, I was researching the possiblity of transfering my studies here and I found out it's not that easy. Thoughts about why I am giving up my future career, education, friends, family all struck me again and I lost it with H. We did not really have a R talk but I got teary and that pissed H off. It was not a really good night. We just both went to bed. I guess we were both tired. But other than that night, it was great. H is very busy with work so he always come home tired. But he still comes home as early as possible to have dinner with me and stay with me. We went out on the weekend and had a great time. I can see H coming back slowly. I asked him if he is sick of me being here now (he was here alone for a few weeks already) and he said how would I be bored with you? We've been together so many years and he is still not bored. That is such a different tone than a year ago when he said he had to leave. Still no mention of whether he is contacting OW or not. I think he is but I am telling myself to be super patient now. Very hard to do but I only have to keep it up for a few more days before I leave for home to pack. There is one funny thing to share. Last month, I was still deciding if I should move with him while there is still contact with OW (orginally I said I would not unless he cut off ALL contact). I eventually decided that I would move (because I saw signs of him really working on cutting off contact but still not able to do it completely and I decided to give him a bit more time). When I told him, my speech was too long and got into how I am moving because of him and how I was giving up my career, family, friends, etc, blah blah blah. H got upset and said he did not want anyone to sacrifice for him and if I move, it cannot be a sacrifice. I said fine, it's not a sacrifice (to be honest, it is part sacrifice, part for my committment but 100% my decision, I have grown on this board to know that it is my choice). Fast forward to yesterday. We were having a drink with some of his hotel buddies. There are many men here who moved here to work but the wives refused to leave (boring place, family committment, etc.) These two guys were telling me that there are so many single-married men here (them included) and they are complaining about how their wives wouldn't move. One guy said I am making this great sacrifice for my H. I said my H won't allow me to say it's a sacrifice so it has to be me being selfish. (the guys of course, didn't get it). They kept on complaining and said how they respected me for willing to move the family here. H chimed in and said he also respected me. I hope all that sink in to his mind. I think by having his friends said all those things are 1000 times more effective than me saying how I am doing all these things for our family and our M. H always think what I do is trivial and anybody can do it in a heartbeat (including allowing A to happen and still stay married, moving all over the place with H, etc.) I think he is now starting to realize that not everybody is willing to put up with that, by hearing it from his colleagues. So all in all, it's been pretty good. Thoughts of H calling/emailing OW still gets me everyday but I only dwell on it when H is not home. My goal for now is still to get myself to be a better person, work on myself. It is H's choice to cut off contact or to keep it forever. It will be my choice in the future to leave. I am just being patient now (thanks for this board, esp. the ones in the MLC side).
Congrats and good luck!