I am you. I am 47, wife also 47, and we have four children (altho slightly younger -- D20, D18, S14 and S11; two sons still living at home). I have been in an affection-starved, sex-starved marriage for most of the past 20 years, after the early years of our marriage were full of sexual bliss.
I argued about it, fought about it, begged about it and pleaded about it, but the ONLY success I've had over the years were the three times when I threatened separation, threatened divorce, and actually FILED for divorce.
When my wife saw that I was serious, she became serious.
This is sad, that it takes this, but it's a VERY common story on these message boards. You need to sit your wife down one more time, hold her hands and look her straight in the eyes, and say "Listen to me." Then tell her in your own words how much you love her, and how much her rejection hurts you, and that you -- after much thought (and prayer, if you're so inclined) -- have decided that you are no longer willing to live in a sexless marriage. Pick a date -- an anniversary date, New Year's, whatever -- but have a deadline.
Only do this if you mean it.
When she sees that you are serious, she will respond. Whether her response "sticks," I am still a skeptic on that, but it WILL work.
She will take the subject of your needs seriously when YOU begin to.
I wish you luck. I know exactly how you feel, and it hurts.
Do NOT assume that your wife is not having an affair. I made that mistake too; "after all, this is an asexual woman, right?"
Wrong. She had an affair with her 29 year old personal trainer.
It is a paradox of life that a woman can be at the same time cold and distant, and yet starving for attention and even affection. She may be finding it elsewhere. You at LEAST need to look her in the eye and ask her if there's someone else.
Have you talked to your wife's sister's H about it in much detail. Can he give you any pointers. Would he get his W to talk to yours?
Some women do get very badly affected by the menopause and so drawing lines and threatening ultimatums might not help. Some women find it very hard to seek medical help and the changes in their bodies frighten them. Is your W getting any sort of HRT treatment? Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I'm not recommending "threatening ultimatums," only that LDs have historically reported that even when their HD husbands brought up the sex topic repeatedly, they still somehow never "got it" until they conveyed a seriousness to it, and put a "I'm no longer willing to . . . " to it.
If there are legitimate medical reasons for his wife's LD, then she should communicate that to her husband as the reason she is unable to meet his needs right now, and she should get it checked out.
I agree she should get it checked out if there are medical problems. The only thing about that is that often you come across medical people whose attitude is "Oh your poor husband" and once you have come across that it is even harder to go back another time and seek help. That happened to me twice after I had problems following childbirth and one of the MD's was female and the second was male.
Seeking help for such personal issues can be very hard and discussing them with your S when you feel guilty is also very hard. Guilty because you can't show then the love they crave in the way they need it - not because you are off having an A with someone else.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Totally unrelated question and not being mean....Registered on June 18th, 2007 a total of 3436 posts for an average of 20.6987951807 posts per day (I'm a numbers guy so please forgive me ) How in the hell do you find time to eat & sleep ?
oh wait a minute...forgot you're on the metric system so that would be........hmmmmm still 20.6987951807 posts per day
Have a wonderful rest of your day...or is it approaching night time over there? (please forgive me, I'm not a time zone guy )
Well, I have to say, this message board thing is awesome. I was a little skeptical at first, but I'm also a little overwhelmed by how much better it feels to "talk" to other people. Here's an update. I talked to my DB coach yesterday (Jodi) and she calmed me down a lot. Bottom line: I've made a lot of progress in the last six weeks, a lot more than I realize, and this is just going to take more time. We both agreed that menopause is probably the issue, and Saffie, you could be my DB counselor because you told me the same thing she did. Funny story: I called my mom and dad because I remember about 20 years ago they went through a real rough spot (hmmm...they were about the same age as I am now...). I told my dad what was going on and that I though it was menopause. He was hilarious. He says: "Son...I got one word for you. Pornography." I almost died laughing. Then it got serious. My dad had an affair, and he said that the thing that hurt the worst is that mom didn't really care. Then mom got on the line and admitted that dad could have probably brought the woman home and she could've cared less. Mom said to please be patient and don't do anything dumb right now.
Chocolateeyes, I hear what you're saying, and hopefully you're wrong. I'm just not the least bit suspicious of an affair. And I'm not up to making any big ultimatums. I've decided I'm just going to have to build on the friendship thing for now, and hope that before too long I can get back into her arms.
Right now, I just want to be able to talk to you guys like I am now, because this morning was f___cking hard. I woke up and remembered how we used to both wake up in bed and start the day by making love, and it's been over a year since a day started like that, and I just cried in my damn pillow...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
B50, Your parents sound awesome...what a great source of support for you.
My H has reminded me, that in my most LD days, I did say to him that he should just leave me alone and have an affair. Just shows you what kind of mind set you can fall into. You obviously have a lot of compassion for her...what a difficult situation. I hate the fact that sometimes I just have nothing helpful to say, only to send some positive wishes.
) How in the hell do you find time to eat & sleep ? 