Maybe not too complicated to understand

[Michael Mc C]

So I've been distant from my wife these past couple of days. Today I broke down a little and asked her what he was risking for this crap they're doing. She said he's risking the same as she is. He has a family, a job, and... I guess nothing else. I don't know for sure what his plans are but his estranged wife has his kid most of the time.

I asked if she was willing to move down there.

"No, he already knows that."

"So in order for this to go anywhere, he'd have to move up here?"

"Yes. It's his choice."

Okay, so I guess my wife throws away everything she has just so she can go "meet" him. He gets what he wants that weekend and she comes back 'home' to the aftermath. If he then decides that she's not worth the effort of moving up here, he has lost NOTHING.

He won't leave his kid, from what I've heard and I can't imagine him packing up his estranged wife and bringing her up here so they can remain a close broken family.

From what I've heard about his wife, she would refuse to move just to spite him anyway - you go girl!

No effort put in by him. No real stakes in the game. They could continue this long distance thing for months, maybe even years. I'm sure at this point she's thinking that's a feasible plan. Who knows, maybe it will work out for them. This is true love after all. I'm sure they complete each other. <queue the 'bitter' music>

Call me stupid but where's that logical, sensible woman I married and had children with?

One more thing I've been thinking about. I would love to find OM's home phone number and call to let his MOTHER (he's 28-ish) know that the woman he's bringing home next week is a married 37 year old with 3 children.

[Hurtin4certain]

Michael... my W is involved in the long distance thing too. It makes no sense to me how they think everything is going to work out.

The age difference alone blows my mind... are they living in some stupid game fantasy? Obviously a 28 year old man courting a 37 year old woman with 3 kids is desperate and cant find someone to begin a real relationship. He's a game dork.

[Michael Mc C]

Things have taken a turn for the worse and I am beside myself on this one. I knew there was a chance, a very likely chance, of a sexual encounter when she goes to meet him. I was not OK with this but I have been told that they are taking things slowly, she will be staying at his mother's and that, while sex was a possibility, it was not the intention.

What I learned last night has shaken me.

He will be getting a hotel room for her, they are going to get a load of DVD's and they are going to engage in some fairly deviant behavior.

I'm actually embarrassed to be posting this.

My God. I keep telling myself this is her mess. It is, but she's just not thinking clearly. She doesn't know this guy. She is risking so much more than her family, her standard of living and her education. On top of that, this man has had sex with other men.

What can I do? Is there anything? I keep thinking intervention. This would be for her own good. But how? At this point I don't care if she leaves me, my concern is for her.

How can I stop this? How can she be convinced that she is making a disastrous and dangerous decision? I can stop her from going next weekend but what about the next week, or month, or whatever? At this point I am worried to the point of feeling sick.

[Hurtin4certain]

Michael... Im in the same boat as you. I recently found out that my W had sex with OM. It literally made me sick.

I dont know if you can truly do anything to be honest. You cant make her think differently, believe me, I just tried that with my W this morning. Got me no where.

I know how excruciating this is for you. You want to talk some sense into her or chain her up in the attic but the fact of the matter is, she is willing to risk EVERYTHING to be with this guy, EVERYTHING. All you can do is let go.

I know how hard this is... Ive been in panic mode all morning as my W is already planning to spend Xmas with OM and she told me she has moved on from our R. So cruel.

[SingleAgain]

She sure is comfortable with everything. Will you survive two years of this nonsense while she rides your coat tails?

[Yoyowife]

Michael,
I'm so sorry that your wife's sense of morals as well as her mind have flown out the window. You know the answer to you question. There is nothing you can do to stop her path of destruction. You just have to hope she will catch her ownself before she falls. It appears to be a lony drop.

Hugs to you. We are here for you friend.

[Michael Mc C]

I guess you're right from a DB'ing perspective. Maybe even just a human perspective. Unless she was somehow absolutely convinced that doing this was a mistake, nothing will keep her from going there for long.

But she can't be convinced.

It's just that this is so reckless and dangerous. We have 3 children that need their mom. She is putting so much more on the line with this than was originally imagined. I guess that's what they all do to some degree. They don't see any negatives in what they do. To them this is salvation.

[Yoyowife]

Michael,
Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson? This book may give you some tough love suggestions that you are looking for. I think it would be a very beneficial book for you to read.

[fightingirish]

Michael,

OMG.. im so so sorry for you. did I get that right.. he's had sex with other MEN?? .but he sounds like a big time loser... Sick sick sick and your W must be in la la land to except all of this.. especially taking a sexual risk.. there are so many diseases out there.. She is really clouded.

I don't know how you found out about this encounter, but if I were you, you really should think about what this is going to do to you and how will you be able to go on after this. Are you talking to a C?

My god she has children to consider. I don't know what to say, but im sorry and we all are here for you.

(((hugs)))

tal

[Michael Mc C]

Had some ups and downs this weekend. We went to W's brother's house for a holiday dinner and ended up leaving instead of spending the night. Things were getting a bit dicey so it was thought to be for the best.

After we got home and got the kids into bed she went out to my car (hers was left at BIL's house) to make a call. We were in the middle of conversation, however, so I followed her out.

Although she was annoyed she "let" me have my say. I told her, speaking not as her husband but as her friend, that the plan she had made seemed very risky. The fact that she was drivig down there, had never met him before, etc. It took some discussing but she agreed that it would be best, for everyone ELSE, for him to come up here. She has absolutely no doubts about this but asked him to come up to appease everyone's concerns. Of course as far as concerns go, that's just the start of it.

Anyway, so I told her that if she goes forward with the plan to meet him, I don't think I'd be able to share the house any longer. I asked her, for the preservation of the holidays for the kids, to postpone the meeting until after the first of the year.

She said if the plans weren't already made then she would but that it isn't fair to ask for them to change now. So, here we are a few days away from when he's supposed to come up this way. She knows that she'll be moving to her mother's after this weekend, the problem is, the kids do not...

So I have to ask myself what is the best way to handle this. Since they will refuse to take any real responsibility with what they're doing, they won't change their plans. Do I continue with having her leave, telling the kids (together) on Tuesday or do I suck it up and have her return after the weekend so we give the kids more time?

I don't want her in the house after this. Our house isn't large enough for us to stay out of each other's hair. I guess this all should have been thought out a little better. I don't want to impact the kids too much but God, I'm not sure how I can handle having her here as if nothing has happened.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.