Get Me On A Smoother Ride....Need Advice #7

[SueS]

Good morning-

Well, I want to try to respond to everyone's comments.

D3's health. Yeah, it bothers me that H is the way he is about this. Not that he's not concerned, but I've typically been the one that steps up and handles this. I tried to call him after her appointment this morning when I thought he'd be on his way to work. Got his vm. I emailed him and he called me back. He had gone in to work early. Just told him about what the Dr. said and that was it.

My C. Yeah, she's great. She's really been trying to help me realize that I'll be okay and that this mess isn't mine. She said....You already know that you're not perfect and that everyone, including yourself, makes mistakes, BUT, this is a time that you need to focus on you and your D3. It was awesome to hear her say.....Sue, I will help you get through this and help you grow through this.

Me. I still have my bouts of crying, but as I said, it's turning more to anger. I'm trying not to snap at H or as much as I'd like to, take it out on him. That's been a little difficult the past day or so though. H was so good there for a few days, but I've found the past few days that H's actions are making it easier for me to step away and detach. I've been to a point a few times the past few days that I've shed a few tears and then said.....it's okay, you can do this, you'll be just fine! I think I know what H has been up to the past few days, but I have found that I'm not really obsessing over it. To me it's pathetic and beneath me.

Last night H got home from work and D3 was still awake. She was in her bed, but still awake. I was in her room with her. She finally fell asleep & H left to "workout". Before he left, he was digging around in the CD's. I just calmly asked....Whatcha doin? He kind of stumbled and said.....Oh, I thought about taking the van (my vehicle) to go workout. His CD player isn't working, but mine is. Then he quickly put the CD's back down and walked out the door. That was about 10:15 I checked and he'd taken his car afterall. His trip to workout is all of about 7 minutes. Not much time to listen to 2-3 cds. I woke up at midnight to help D3 and H wasn't home yet. Woke up around 4:30 and he was on the couch with the tv on. He was awake. I asked if he'd slept. He said no. I pushed and asked....what time did you get home? 2:00 am. Where were you? Just out. With who? No one. I went back to bed. Oh, let's add that H had a few drinks when he got home last night. He's been doing a lot more self-medicating the past few weeks. The guilt and confusion harder to handle lately?

This morning when D3 and I were getting ready to leave, H said that D3 would probably be asleep before he got home. I asked what he was doing tonight. He plans on going to a concert. So, that really topped things off for me. Don't get me wrong. I still truly love him. I do. But, his lack of concern lately, his denials, his doing what he wants to do....etc. is really pushing me away. I know that's what he wants and it's working. It's pushing me toward making sure that D3 and I are okay, that we're covered and okay if/when he leaves.

I try not to dwell on OW, but I think things are getting to a peak with the two of them. Not that I expect them to fall anytime soon, but I think they're spending more time together. It makes me wonder what's going on with her and her H. Are they still together? Just don't know and I'm trying like heck not to worry about her. Again, it's pathetic to me that two people who are married with children can risk so much and hurt the people closest to them.

Well, thanks to everyone for stopping by. I do appreciate it.

Have a great day.

SueS