I really appreciate you all for being here and really listening to what I have to say -- the stark contrast to the way my WAW fails to hear me makes her "fog" so glaring.
Trying, I have considered some of what you have said. I just don't know. My W might have some schizophrenic part of her that wants us to get back together. In fact, in one of her recent emails she said something that made me wonder, "I feel peaceful now except when I make myself consider getting back together with you." -- which tells me that she is at least considering it. I thought briefly about mentioning this to W, but I know the most she'd ever admit would be that she was only thinking of our sons' well being -- she'd say she would never consider getting back together for any other reason.
I think the main thing with W is that she feels she must always keep me on the defensive. She's still in adversarial mode, but she wants to encourage me to communicate with her. Why? I have to ask. It's not like she fully reciprocates with me. I express my thoughts, my opinions, my feelings on philosophical and spiritual levels. I have even reiterated to her my position on D, our M and that I want her back, in every way -- of course, while also telling her I don't want our old marriage back and being prepared to move on, with or without her.
Her response? If she ignores what I say entirely and does not respond at all, then she rehashes her old beefs with me and replays the whole MLC/WAW litany. I never hear what her hopes and goals are, what she feels (other than contempt for me or remorse for what I have done to our marriage), what she values, nothing other than what she's framed in her precious Separation Agreement. I certainly have seen nothing that would indicate she's wanting to search her soul, to grow and put her own problems behind her -- except where she considers me to be the only problem. She gives me the terse responses that rehash everything she's said to me, by voice or in writing.
I admit that I have the dreaded "male disease" of being poor at expressing my feelings. But with her, in earlier times, I had no such problems -- I could and did bear everything with her. Unfortunately, as the years weared on and as my depression set in, I became more withdrawn. With us failing to spend adequate quality time with each other, as the demands of children and work grew and kept us apart, our intimacy has waned. I did begin to neglect her and our relationship at the same time I was neglecting my own needs. I couldn't see it then, but I do now and I take ownership for my sins in that. So, yes, the lack of communication that built up over time is something she continually draws upon.
But now, she is guilty of the same (and so much more). She's the one who's withdrawn and non-communicative, and even (in her own words) "cold and unloving".
It makes me wonder, yet again, whether the two of us have flipped 180 degrees out of phase with each other -- switching roles in this R.
Trying, talking about your sitch is very much helpful to you, me and us all. It's very much in context and gives us points to consider in our own predicaments. Your description of your H is pretty much how I was to my W in the months and years leading up to the bomb. The thing is the changes and the talks cannot be a temporary thing. They have to be made a part of one's life and ingrained in one's soul. That is a tall order for any of us, because it means sacrificing things that we thought gave us comfort. It's far from easy and takes time to find our way, but we have to try. Perhaps your H really needs to seek regular C to help him in this -- I don't recall where you said he is in his head right now. Are you in MC?
