I thought things were going to be okay after I had that long talk with my husband on Tuesday evening. I was wrong.
Things had been picking at my brain since then and I had to know if he was telling the truth. So I told him that if he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't mind me logging onto his email and IM accounts to check things out. And I did just that. He gave up the passwords...
I was devastated!!! There were emails from at least three different women that he sent YESTERDAY! Two days after "our talk"...he sent them a picture of himself that was taken when he "was in Disney with friends". Not so bad you might think, but that picture was taken when we went to Disney to GET MARRIED! That picture was taken less than a week after our wedding!!! So much for the fairy tale.
I keep checking emails and I notice emails from singles sites. FROM DATING SITES!!! So I log in to them to find he had been talking to multiple women from these sites YESTERDAY!!!
So after all this, I remained unbelievably calm. I really don't know how I did it. He, on the other hand, is a basket case. Really...to the point that I thought he was going to be sick. I am actually very concerned for his well-being right now. He can't stop shaking and seems like he's lost everything. I know I made a mistake last night by reassuring him that we can fix this.
Another mistake is that I involved another couple that I would have preferred didn't know about our problems. But it was one of those irrational, spur-of-the-moment things.
I sent emails to all the women he was talking to (using his account) and let them know he was married. One responded and I thanked her for her honesty. I cancelled all the singles site memberships and am monitoring his email account. He says he's never turning the computer on again.
He admitted he was wrong, he apologized (after I told him he hadn't yet), and he talked about how bored and useless he felt. Again, I tried to reassure him...
I simply can't wait to see the counselor next week. He's a mess and I'm holding it together (I have no idea how)...but I want my husband back!
He's bored because he doesn't work. He is a "house husband" (his words, not mine) and he feels like he doesn't do anything important. We both know this is something he has to fix...but I believe there are a lot of other emotional/psychological issues that are preventing him from getting a job...yet another thing I'm hoping the counselor (or a counselor) can help with.
Reading your post felt like me going back in March, April, ... until September this year. When I first found things out I thought he was doing this from March on to be surprised it was from November last year on. He was in several date sites and cyber porn sites. We had several conversations just for me to find out kept doing it. He stopped the online thing after I found about the cyber sex as things got ugly just like it is for you now but then went straight to a PA.
First thing I can tell you. Stop monitoring him immediately. If he has done it yesterday it's most likely he will do it in another way or different emails. Don't cancel yourself his accounts. Let him do it when he feels like doing it. Don't take the full responsibility to end his cheating. It's his responsibility.
Right now he's upset to see you suffer but I will be straight and dry. He is not sorry for what he's done. He is testing you to see how much you can take.
This is not the point where you need to reassure him. You need to reassure YOUR feelings to him. Made that mistake of reassuring him while he was doing these things and I assume it only made things worse because he put himself in a victim's role like: Poor me! What you do about his validation issues and his cheating are two different actions and moments.
Now it's the time for you to read DB and put it to good use as soon as possible. I am sure if I had done it before my H PA and not after, things might have been different.
What you need to do now it's very, very hard. But if you want your H back there's no other road.
I know I made mistakes last night...but it was hard not to make them. Some of it is because I didn't know what else to do, some of it is because I was weak, I guess.
I kinda already cancelled the accounts (another mistake).
The reassuring was that we can fix this problem, but I made it very clear this activity was NOT acceptable!
Should have bought that book the other night...but ignored the advice I got. I won't make THAT mistake again.
Just one more thing. Have you considered he is doing this unconsciously out of revenge as he might blame you that he feels bored?
So whatever you do to control him now will only worsen the situation. Let him be and just state your boundaries.
No, I don't get that it's revenge. He said that he knows that I can't get a job for him, that I can't make him not be bored. Everyone here was on the right track the other day with the self-validation issues and feeling like he doesn't contribute. I told him that I could fill his head with all kinds of fluff, but it wouldn't do any good because HE has to feel it.
I don't even know what my boundaries are to tell him.
My husband is like a big kid. Control for him is almost like a comfort zone (military parents, former military himself)...I think he likes to have that structure and control when he feels uncomfortable. He knows that ultimately it is up to him not to keep contacting other women and not signing up on these sites, that I can't control all of it. His response is to just avoid it, ignore it.
Yes, we can be a hurricane in the middle of the mess.
Of what happened, I don't feel that you made a mistake going through his things with his permission. The downside it's still snooping but the upside is that you could figure the depth of the issue.
Just remember this, because I made this mistake too. Don't expect that things will be better whenever he promises you some change. People who does the cheating wants the problem to go away overnight. And that's why they fall back right in again. It takes sometime until the "drug" effect fades so they can say things that they don't really feel or compromise to things that they will repeat the next day. Because it makes them feel good and they need the next "shot".
That's why you need to DB. Learn the 48 hour rule, how to go dark, the 180, etc. The C is very important here too. Only through our behavior we are able to change their.
Mostly important, take care and focus on yourself now.
Okay, so I know the snooping thing is addictive, and I know I need to stop...
But one of his "contacts" just sent him an email asking about one of the accounts on a dating site. A message was sent to her there saying "I'm married". She sends an email today saying "I noticed you cancelled your account. Thanks for the heads up about you being married. Let's chat before we meet"
I SOOOOO want to respond with:
"Not the brightest bulb in the box now are we? Why would you still be pursuing a MARRIED man you slut."
If you go through these sites you will notice that lots of people say they are married in their profile. There are some that has the nerve to state they will be "discreet".
Don't send her any messages. It's not her fault.
Eventually you will go weary of snooping but try to avoid it. It will bring you more pain and will not change things.
