Thanks, everyone. It sucks. But not totally unexpected.
I'm thinking of advising my attorney to just sit on the "acknowledgement" for a couple days. Then we'll proceed. I'm going to resist passively, I think. Which means, I'm not going to obstruct progress, but I'm not going to hurry it along either. I'll take my time through this process.
The longer it goes the longer I have to show I'm happy and cheerful. Also there will be some serious reckoning, like on the issue of child custody. I'm thinking I Want to co-parent, which I'm guessing will surprise her. I was a very involved Dad, although since I worked she was the primary care-giver. But I don't intend to fade away on the issue of custody. And other reckoning. Anyway, it is movement, which is better than stuck (for me).
Who knows? The financial realities and other reckoning may make a difference. We've got some savings, though, so if we split the assets, she'll even be able to stay in the house longer, if she wants to. Although, this would mean spending her half of the savings down. That's money we were saving for college for 4 bright kids!
For now, I'm going to get an apartment or house, see if I can get the rest of my stuff, get a cellphone for my kids, and basically move onward on the assumption I will be divorced.
I met with my IC for the first time in a while last night. She is a good influence. No DBer, though she is familiar with the book. I wept in her office. (I weep pretty much every day, and it is affecting my work and sleep.) She is advising me to get my ducks in a row, which I think is right. Begin moving on. Get on SSRIs. Join a support group. I can still DB while doing that.
Any other advice?
W is trying to make some money for herself, which is great. She asked me to take the kids for the weekend while she holds her jewelry party, etc. I'm inclined to do it, cheerfully.
I spoke again to W's father. Told him I love his daughter, I love my kids, I think our problems are solvable and I'd like to reconcile with her. He said "Why don't you tell HER that?" Ha. I've told her that many times, she doesn't need to hear it again.
I asked to meet with him in person. He is hesitant to do so. Doesn't want to alienate his daughter I guess. Said he is going to check with her first, before agreeing to meet with me. Strange because he always takes my telephone calls. Not sure why an in-person meeting is different. He said he "doesn't want to make the situation worse." What could be worse? We're in the process of divorcing! Of course if he thinks I really am abusive, then he'd want to protect his daughter from me, naturally... I can understand that.
Is it just more pressure from me? Only indirectly applied? My purpose here is to show him a paper I saw on our desk. She had left the sheet on the desk, after we were S but before she barred me from the house. She attended a support group at her church for women in abusive relationships. The paper is a checklist of 20 questions to determine if you are in an abusive R. 7 or more yesses means abuse. She answered yes to 16 of em (according to her markup on the page). The thing is, I don't agree with the answers. I can post more later on this. Some of them are just nonsense. I want to show F-i-L the thinking she has. Is it just more pressure from me? Do I need to detach more?
I also spoke with the priest who married us. Did I tell you this? He is of course willing to meet with one or the other or both of us. I want to extend an invitation to W to meet with him. The Priest and I have been speaking over the past 5 months. He said he wouldn't try convincing her of anything, but that it would be valuable to hear her side of the story, in his role as counselor to me. Really he is helping me, though of course I still harbor a strong desire to reconcile. Should I ask my W to meet with this priest? Is this just manipulative and underhanded, given my ongoing desire to reconcile?
This turned out to be pretty long, so maybe let me summarize my questions to you guys (and thank you all for being here for me, really REALLY):
Should I extend an invitation to W to meet with our priest?
Should I pursue my idea to meet in person with my F-i-L?
I reserved a slot at Retrouvaille in January. I already told her about this, the morning she signed the papers, but before I knew she signed the papers. My thinking on this is to just keep the reservations and don't mention it further. She knows it's there.
I have more questions on Christmas, upcoming S10 bday, and others. I'll ask later.
All of you, thanks for the support, I Really REALLY appreciate your help. I'm going to be fine whatever happens, but I do prefer to preserve my family intact and rebuild it, and I thank you for helping me on that path.
Thank you all. Stay well.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
