I'm not turned on by my xH either and I was the LD there but I was also the HD at times (mostly the beginning) there. HD/LD is only a permanent state of affairs where there is some real physical dysfunction involved (and i don't mean just a mild physical dysfunction). I have never been stupid enough to believe that my H is LD as a permanent condition nor even that he is necessarily LD at all. He is certainly LD relative to me but that is really the least of the issue isn't it???
Should I be crazy to think that S is just a normal need as eating and other physical needs?
Isn't it unhealthy to eat too much or too little? Shouldn't we respect our individual biological needs if there are no underlying issues messing with them?
A related question - would these affection-starved men (for I haven't heard of a sex-starved spouse that regularly gets lovingly touched or embraced by his partner) be noticeably less reluctant to move on if they could take their children with them?
It's unfortunate that (a) women are turned on by dominant men while (b) men are less apt to act that way around someone who can take his children away any time she feels like it.
Good point. GP fought for and won full custody of both his sons (different mothers). He had one lawyer who told him "Just give her the kid and I'll get you a good deal." and he fired him. First kid cost him $5000 in lawyer fees. Second kid cost him $20,000 in lawyer fees. GP is livid on the topic of the courts favoring mothers in custody. Of course, both his kids were male and age 8 at the time he won custody so he was able to just raise them in some modern urban version of Spartan society with McDonalds and video games thrown in the mix.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Thank you. Here's what I mean by HD/LD not being relative but rather a matter of perspective. The second or third time my 2bx tried to sexually hit on me after we separated he said "Why not? The sex was always great, wasn't it?" At the time, this just made me angry for obvious reasons. However, now that I've backed away from the relationship and gained perspective I realize that it was a perfectly reasonable thing for him to say. HE never had a problem with sex in our marriage. He got sex any time he wanted it and mostly it was fantastic. If he didn't want sex and I was being a pest all he had to do was imply that I was unattractive and my hurt bunny would hop away with my monkey or signal that he was sick/sad and my cow would shoo away my monkey. HIS problem with our marriage was that I had the crazy notion that he ought to work to support his children without too much complaint. OUR problem with our marriage was that our communication was so poor that I was shocked when he financially abandoned his children and he was shocked when I started dating/mating other men. We both believed that the other should have recognized the REAL problem. The truth was neither of us did.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
You don't believe that people have wildly different sex drives? I personally think it's much more of a "bell curve" than a binary "you're either HD-or-LD" thing, but when all of our Schnarch, monkeys-and-bunnies, and other gobbledegook is all said and done, the people on this planet definitely have very different sexual drives, in my opinion and experience -- and it's inherent.
And let me add to choc's statement by reciting the usual "HD and LD are relative and depend upon the relationship more than the individuals" language that we have all discussed on here before.
You don't believe that people have wildly different sex drives?
Genetically and biologically speaking, yes. Just like some people are taller or shorter, blue eyed or brown, etc. But we have sex for reasons other than procreation. No other animal on the planet does that.
That's where I think HD/LD comes into the mix. I think Mojo is spot on with that one... both states come into being because both are unwilling to OWN responsibility for their own SD. That is why HDs chase the LDs around the house. (Beyond true physical problems causing such states).
I know I end my LDness when I take charge of my own desire. YOU know that you take charge of your HDness when you say you will not live in a sexless marriage... and that is also taking charge of your own desire.
There are a LOT of dynamics that create the whole... endless loop of frustration for both people. I suppose in the way NOP has taken an interest in researching affairs, I have taken the same interest in the HD/LD dynamic... the Passion Trap... whatever it is you want to call it. I'm doing that because I don't ever want to live like that again. It's gonna happen... no matter who I am with... but it doesn't have to stay there, if both people are 'aware.'
Finding the person who is aware, who is willing to regard the dynamic with equal seriousness, is the trick. For people who are already married... and even single people like me... the ONLY way I know how to move forward is with radical honesty. Otherwise, the other person can mire you in misunderstanding, avoidance, and all other manner of negative behaviors. It is very disrespectful. If you allow it to continue, then YOU are as much to blame as the other.
It's hard to be honest, with yourself and other people. I will laugh in the face of anyone who says it's easy. Just like when I ask... what's your passion? What is YOUR purpose? If you don't know, and you give that question honest consideration, it will stop you cold.
}