CVA - Moving On

[Nomopo]

Fantastic points Kat!!!

Thanks for sharing. Having done (been doing?) the dating thing for several months, I can confirm its clouds things without a doubt. Not saying there aren't positives in dating. It speeds some things up, and feels damn good. But it is very complicated. Period.

Nomo

[Not Much Left]

Yep, in today's bad english, I "totally" thought about that yesterday.

I wondered if I am going to be strong enough emotionally to not just try and "replace" my W with the next thing that comes along that "fits the bill" if ya know what I mean. What was weird about meeting WC (wife's clone) was I did not try, it just happened, then I wanted to see if I still "had it", whatever "it" is and I think I have convinced myself that I still do which has helped (with the help of some friends here!).

I can certainly be alone, but it is more fun with someone else, so the question is how one will know when you are not tryiñg to fill the void left by all this, 1 year, 2 yrs??? Wow, that is a sobering thought. Thanks Kat and Nomo.

C

[Nomopo]

My guesstimate - one year is close to a minimum. Two years probably about right. Could be more.

It is what it is.

Nomo

[Heimlich]

A question: When does that timeline start? I mean, my W has been saying I don't want you in my life since April, 8 months. I've been detached in the sense of ready to move on while still being open to reconciling for a little over a month.

8 months without any affection has been, for me, an eternity after 16 years of it. To we start the countdown from the bomb or from the time we feel ready to move on?

Jesus, did that make any sense?

BD

[Nomopo]

A question: When does that timeline start? I mean, my W has been saying I don't want you in my life since April, 8 months.

Your guess is as good as mine, but the timeline for healing from a failed marriage starts in my mind when you have accepted that it is indeed a failed marriage (that is, over), and you are moving on so to speak. Not from the bomb.

I've been detached in the sense of ready to move on while still being open to reconciling for a little over a month.

Ready to move on? Accepted that you must and will move on? Open to reconcile or hoping to reconcile?

8 months without any affection has been, for me, an eternity after 16 years of it.

This is a different issue. It's a personal decision we must each make, but frankly, you can go get affection, intimacy, compassion, sex, whatever you want, regardless of whether the healing timeline has started. And regardless of whether you or moving on. That's just a personal question of if it is ok for you.

Just my 2 cents,
Nomo

[Not Much Left]

Sounds like what everyone gets confused about is leaving the door open for reconciliation and does that imply you are still in love with that person or just knowing feelings can change OR that you would still do anything to get your spouse back.

In my case, have resolved myself to the idea we are getting divorced, if anything happens otherwise it will definitely be a suprise to me. SO, if that is true, I am going to be setting up my life to be without my W. Very hard to do without a proper place to live and as you all know, that is a hunt I have been struggling with.

WOuld I still want to reconcile, for many reasons yes. Would I want it to be the same, of course not, it would not work, we would (I would) be back here again in a year or two. Bleh. I dont want that, who would?

I can see now that it takes time to heal, whatever that means. It is just this sense of peace one has to have to move on without "too much" anomosity toward the WAS. In my mind, you are fooling yourself if you think you can walk away too and be fine with everything...that is stuffing your feelings. THis stuff is too painful to just one day wake up and go, "oh, I'm good with it, I'm good with seeing my spouse with someone else, dating, getting married, having my kids rasied by someone I dont know that could damage them"....toooooo much not to still have strong feelings about.

So having said all that, my personal timeline is to get this darn house thing done, keep myself busy with that and work and kids, COMPLETELY detach from W to the extent I can given the factors above, and not waste what could be the rest of my life.

I will go out with women to the extent I meet them naturally, not at bars or whatever but kinda of like I did with WC, if it works out great, if it doesnt and starts feeling wrong on either side, try and be mature enough to break things off early enough where pain is minimized on both sides. What a perfect scenario eh? I am sure it wont go all like that, but at least its a plan. I am good at planning and really have failed at it for the last 9 months.

So, pick er up CVA dust myself off and start the process.

Now if one of you hot women would just come to Texas and help me kick off a "random" meeting, that would help

C

[Nomopo]

Sounds like what everyone gets confused about is leaving the door open for reconciliation and does that imply you are still in love with that person or just knowing feelings can change OR that you would still do anything to get your spouse back.

I think the key distinction is (1) the door being open to reconciliation vs (2) hoping to reconcile. And when you think you are past the hoping for part, give yourself a few more months to see if the hope comes back. It can. Basically, before trusting any emotion, give if time.

In my case, have resolved myself to the idea we are getting divorced, if anything happens otherwise it will definitely be a suprise to me. SO, if that is true, I am going to be setting up my life to be without my W.

Well, do YOU want a D? If still not, that is an important fact/distinction.

WOuld I still want to reconcile, for many reasons yes.

Oh, you answered it. So, you need to accept that D may be a reality, and prepare yourself mentally for it, but you also need to just take time to be, to heal, etc. And as far as "setting up your life to be without W," you really don't need to do ANYTHING to bring a D about. Don't fight it, but don't make it happen either. That may be the pusher in you coming out. It was in me, until Sunny made me understand that. It's ok to stand still for awhile.

I can see now that it takes time to heal, whatever that means.

I think we will all know once we are on the "healed" side. But I believe it means something. It is real, not just words.

In my mind, you are fooling yourself if you think you can walk away too and be fine with everything...that is stuffing your feelings. THis stuff is too painful to just one day wake up and go, "oh, I'm good with it, I'm good with seeing my spouse with someone else, dating, getting married, having my kids rasied by someone I dont know that could damage them"....toooooo much not to still have strong feelings about.

Two points - there's a difference between fine and good (you used both words). I think you can be "fine," or in other words accept what has happened, but may never like it. You do become less angry, hurt, etc. over time. You become more indifferent. Second, you don't just "one day wake up." That's what is meant by taking time. So, over the course of time (many months, maybe years) you will almost certainly be "fine" with what happens.

COMPLETELY detach from W to the extent I can given the factors above, and not waste what could be the rest of my life.

That's fine, but just be awaring of things you think, say, do that advance the D (which you admittedly don't want). Don't push. Stand down. Stand still for a bit. It's ok. Just be.

not at bars or whatever

Lots of people our age do meet out at bars, these days. Just an FYI.

I am good at planning

Andy pushing?

and really have failed at it for the last 9 months.

I don't see that.

Nomo

[Not Much Left]

Breakin it down Nomo style. I love it....Thanks Big Noise!

[L21959]

Okay you guys...

Andy pushing?

Nomo, can you say "freudian slip" ????!!!!!????

I read it twice, and it's made my day!!!

L2

[Nomopo]

Ooops. I meant "And pushing." Simple typo. That's all.