Jak and Matilda, My W wrote me an email talking about our recent conflicts and problems. It was helpful for me to read to understand what she's struggling with. It had a harsh tone to it. She doesn't seem to trust that that I care about her concerns. At least it allows us to discuss difficult topics. In person, she gets too emotional and it turns into complaining and blaming.
During some conflict yesterday, she told me that I "muddle thru life." I was insulted by this and told her so. She did say that she was sorry in an email, but qualified that I get what I give. I'll have to expect that all I can do for now is tell her when I've been insulted, but not expect an apology.
The other recent conflict happened weeks ago, when we walked out without paying for an item, and set-off the alarm. My W was furious, and blamed me for it. She won't let it go, saying that I haven't adequately apologized. My feeling is that it was an accident, and doesn't warrant an apology. I wrote in the email today, that I was sorry for the embarrassment it caused her, but I still feel like it was an honest mistake, and not an act of incompetence, like she contends.
Last week, in the parking lot at the dance venue, I went to put my W's purse in the trunk. It was a windy day, and as soon as I opened the trunk lid, her work papers started flying all over the parking lot. I walked the lot trying to retrieve the papers that I saw.
My W was furious with me, and blamed me for it. Her trunk was full, and I did put her binder in facing outward.
She made an attempt to quit smoking, which lasted six hours. I praised her on her good start. She joined me this weekend for a yoga class. She has increased the amount of time she spends on the treadmill, and has begun doing Pilates exercises at home.
My book on conflict management says to think of dealing with conflict like exercise, or something else in our life that we do that isn't easy, but reaps positive benefits. He said that for those things we already practice, we think in terms of the benefits to be gained. We should think of dealing with conflict the same way. Instead, we focus on the negatives and then avoid it. In other words, transfer skills we already possess to our relationships.
Even as I practice getting more brave in facing conflict, I need to have realistic expectations. I can only do what I can to resolve or address problems areas. I have no control over what my W ultimately thinks about me or how she views events or actions. I'm going to have to accept that not everything can be resolved, or that we're going to not see some things the same way, or she may hold onto negative judgments or opinions that aren't true.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, My W and I had a good phone conversation today, after some turbulence last night. She went to bed early, and I've been sleeping in the guest room, as I've been feeling distant as she's been frequently angry with me this past week.
She wanted to know why I haven't been talking to her as much lately. She seems to not be aware of how her anger affects me and the M.
We talked about her stressors--job she hates, financial, smoking cessation. I tried to help her see the positives in each situation. She said that she's willing to tolerate her job for now to help with things financially. We joke that her mantra is IT PAYS THE RENT.
I again pointed-out how I thought her start at smoking cessation was positive. She only sees that she's still smoking. She said that she gets a tear in her eye, when I praise her on her smoking efforts.
I told her that we're in much better financial shape than we were last year. This year we have the cash to cover the things she feels like she needs to buy. She's buying mostly items for the home. We laughed that it's like we're moving into our home all over again.
I helped her to see that a job with a consistent schedule would be in her best interest, so that she can have some boundaries between her personal and work life. She creates her own schedule now, and sometimes has very long days, and loses balance in her life.
We problem-solved around her concern of disorganization in the cabinests, and difficulty finding her containers and lids. This caused the turbulence last night. We're going to keep the containers in a separate bag for now.
We also problem-solved around the issue of how having her BIL pick-up the food on Sunday creates a deadline and stress for each of us. I told her that I don't operate well under tight deadlines. It would be better for me to drop-off the food on my own, to avoid conflict between us.
She apologized for her outburst last night, without being asked. I didn't ask for one, because she didn't say anything inappropriate.
The conflict management book continues to be helpful. I like the idea of approaching conflict like exercise, or anything else that is healthy. You make it a daily practice, in order to reap its rewards, versus avoid it because it creates fear and discomfort.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Ime happy for you and your W at your problem solving. Hope you continue to work on your conflict dealing skills as i know I will learn from what you have, (a little selfish there) but i do wish you the best at solving conflict.
I am looking forward to getting the bokks you mentioned but have not been to the city yet.
I have been trying to work on this and ime getting better.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Matilda, I now go to dance venues once during the week and continue with the Friday nights, with or without my W. She is fine with this.
She's been recently including me in her private dance lessons. I learned something called a "sway dip".
I'm starting to feel more connected to the dance community, since I've started attending regularly during the week. I can now show-up at a venue, and be assured that I will have some friends to sit and chat with. People are noticing that I'm dancing more than my W these days.
I continue with my daily writing practice, and although haven't been attending the writer's group due to it conflicting with dance lessons, want to maintain a relationship with the writing center and community. It's probably premature for me to be in a writing group anyway, as I haven't yet written a story. I'm probably a year away from when I will be able to give and take from a writing group. I do want to have at least a presence in the writing community, and plan to attend as many events as possible, and keep up my membership.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, I've been trying to be brave in speaking-up during conflict. I expressed my displeasure to my W, when it appeared that she was making decisions about remodeling the bathroom without my input.
She became angry with me during a lengthy phone conversation, but I hung in there with her, expressing that I wanted to have input into the project. She felt that there had to be one appointed project manager, and that her personality was better suited for that.
I agreed to let her be the project manager, and liaison with the handyman and interior designer in choosing colors and cabinets. She asked me to trust her in keeping to our budget.
She has been quite nice to me since that conversation, I guess appreciating my vote of confidence. She's been keeping me posted on the progress. I saw the drafts and the bathroom is going to look great.
The bathroom is an unplanned project. The original plan was for the handyman to glaze the sink, but in the process it fell apart. The next option was to replace the cabinets.
We worked well together at her cooking job on Sunday. There was no conflict regarding my assistance. She was appreciative of my efforts.
My W has commented on my personal growth this past year--dancing, writing.
We're sleeping in separate bedrooms due to the past episodes of turbulence. I prefer to stay there for now, even though we're getting along. She call the rooms her room and my room.
I'm nursing a cold this week. My W cooked chicken soup for me last night.
She slept elsewhere on Saturday night.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
(a little selfish there) but i do wish you the best at solving conflict.